The Secret Of My Success
I had a wonderful dinner last night with 
Abi, and on the way home we got to theorizing about ambition, desire, life changes, and motivation. I wish we'd gotten to continue that conversation, because we had a lot of similar insights.
What follows can be interpreted as meaningful internal examination or a lot of self-indulgent whining and navel-gazing, so I'm cutting it for those who aren't interested. This is going to be rambling and incoherent as well. :)
I've been confronted with the desire to change my life of late. I want more. I want to be the mover, the shaker, the player, the guy who is making the news instead of just reporting on it. I know I can wring so much more potential out of myself than what I'm doing now, and I've been frustrated with the fact that I can't focus it. Do I go back to school and get a Master's? In what? Economics? Communications? Public policy? If I'm going to put myself into five-figure debt, it had best be for a good reason.
Or is it that I got so used to sudden success and meteoric rises that I can't handle a slower, more gradual ascent?
Every job I want--jobs I KNOW I can do--requires five years' experience and specialized training. It's so frustrating to read job descriptions that match my skills perfectly but are blocked from me because I'm just not "experienced" enough.
Perhaps my problem is that I am afraid to face the fact that I like my life as it is. True, there're things I dislike about my job, but it's ultimately low-stress and enables me the freedom to do what I want to do while paying the bills. Am I sacrificing ambition for convenience?
Do I ask too much of myself? I do Google searches for my name and am astonished at how much I get back. Why can't I content myself with the success I achieved and learn to enjoy it?
Maybe I try too hard. Instead of constantly forcing change and pushing for continual ascension, I need to relax and let opportunities come for me. I've earned it.
Or am I not trying hard enough? I'm too old to be a slacker. 40 may be the new 30, but that doesn't mean I want to spend my 30's not achieving my fullest. I could die anytime. I would not want to die thinking my life didn't count for anything.
What's the point of striving all your life for success and being too old to enjoy the fruits of your labor?
Abi said that she felt big things were around the corner, and I agreed. I know my time is coming soon--or maybe it's that it's come already and I just don't see it.
There are worse things to be known as than a great writer. I am read the world over, yet I can walk down a street and no one knows who I am. That's the best of both worlds.
If this is what I am meant to do, I can accept that. I just wish I didn't constantly have this frustrating, gnawing, ever-present sensation that I should be doing something more.
And I wish I knew where to start with that.
Ultimately, my life is good. I fought too hard to rebuild it just to throw it away. I just have to trust myself and love what I have, and not be afraid of change or challenge. These are not dichotomous viewpoints.
I can have all that I want. But I need to know what that is first.
Abi, and on the way home we got to theorizing about ambition, desire, life changes, and motivation. I wish we'd gotten to continue that conversation, because we had a lot of similar insights.
What follows can be interpreted as meaningful internal examination or a lot of self-indulgent whining and navel-gazing, so I'm cutting it for those who aren't interested. This is going to be rambling and incoherent as well. :)
I've been confronted with the desire to change my life of late. I want more. I want to be the mover, the shaker, the player, the guy who is making the news instead of just reporting on it. I know I can wring so much more potential out of myself than what I'm doing now, and I've been frustrated with the fact that I can't focus it. Do I go back to school and get a Master's? In what? Economics? Communications? Public policy? If I'm going to put myself into five-figure debt, it had best be for a good reason.
Or is it that I got so used to sudden success and meteoric rises that I can't handle a slower, more gradual ascent?
Every job I want--jobs I KNOW I can do--requires five years' experience and specialized training. It's so frustrating to read job descriptions that match my skills perfectly but are blocked from me because I'm just not "experienced" enough.
Perhaps my problem is that I am afraid to face the fact that I like my life as it is. True, there're things I dislike about my job, but it's ultimately low-stress and enables me the freedom to do what I want to do while paying the bills. Am I sacrificing ambition for convenience?
Do I ask too much of myself? I do Google searches for my name and am astonished at how much I get back. Why can't I content myself with the success I achieved and learn to enjoy it?
Maybe I try too hard. Instead of constantly forcing change and pushing for continual ascension, I need to relax and let opportunities come for me. I've earned it.
Or am I not trying hard enough? I'm too old to be a slacker. 40 may be the new 30, but that doesn't mean I want to spend my 30's not achieving my fullest. I could die anytime. I would not want to die thinking my life didn't count for anything.
What's the point of striving all your life for success and being too old to enjoy the fruits of your labor?
Abi said that she felt big things were around the corner, and I agreed. I know my time is coming soon--or maybe it's that it's come already and I just don't see it.
There are worse things to be known as than a great writer. I am read the world over, yet I can walk down a street and no one knows who I am. That's the best of both worlds.
If this is what I am meant to do, I can accept that. I just wish I didn't constantly have this frustrating, gnawing, ever-present sensation that I should be doing something more.
And I wish I knew where to start with that.
Ultimately, my life is good. I fought too hard to rebuild it just to throw it away. I just have to trust myself and love what I have, and not be afraid of change or challenge. These are not dichotomous viewpoints.
I can have all that I want. But I need to know what that is first.