Coupla Community AUs
Here's two short commentfics I did for jim_and_bones. It's a Community AU, and if you aren't watching that show, WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU.
Anyway. Both are rated R for language.
DAY ONE
Starfleet Community College is going to suck, Jim decides.
There are a couple of good indicators of this. First off and most prominent is the name - Starfleet was clearly founded by people who were high as balls for a good period of time. Second is general feeling of depression and self-loathing that has seeped into every pore of the place. Third is the fact that he is actually expected to show up to class. Well, in theory, at any rate.
But the first day he actually goes to Spanish class, Jim looks next to him to find the hottest girl he’s seen in a week.
“Hello,” he leans over. “How would you like-”
“No,” she shuts him down mercilessly.
He blinks at her. “You didn’t even know what I was going to ask.”
“I’m going to take a wild guess and say you were going to ask me out,” she says, still not looking over at him. “In which case, I change my answer to ‘hell no.’”
“Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to study tonight,” Jim lies.
The girl finally looks over only to roll her eyes. “Yeah, you really seem like the type to study, seeing as it’s Friday and this is the first time you’ve shown up to class.”
An equally hot redhead next to her perks up and looks over at Jim. “Did you want to study?” she asks earnestly. “We were going to meet in the group study room in the library tonight. You’re welcome to join.”
The other girl turns to glare at her. “Gaila!”
“What? Was I too forward?”
Jim grins at the pair. “See you there.”
**
Professor Chris Pike is the reason why he’s even in this shithole.
“It’ll be a good experience for you,” he says, smirking over his desk. “You might even learn something.”
Jim snorts and nods at the quad of students. “Yeah, right. If I wanted to learn something, I wouldn’t have come here.”
Pike just sighs. “You’ve had a rough life, kid. Why don’t you take this as the chance that it is?”
“What, the chance to have a fifty-year-old pinch my ass in class and deal with teachers even crazier than you? Gee, thanks.”
**
Unfortunately, the group does not consist of just him and two hot girls.
There’s also an entirely too earnest high school kid, a guy with a Scottish accent so thick Jim can barely understand him, an Asian guy who looks like he’d rather be out tossing a football or something than having to study, a weird guy named Spock whose expression never changes, and the grumpiest man Jim has ever laid eyes on.
Who also happens to be pretty hot himself. In a batshit crazy way, at any rate.
“So why are you here?” Jim asks.
The guy launches into some tirade about a divorce and losing his medical license and Jim takes the opportunity to check him out. Crazy hot, indeed. “Anyway, the wife left me with nothing but my bones, so I figured there’s nothing else for me to do in the meantime but kill time here,” the guy finally winds down.
“Cool,” Jim says cheerfully. “I’m Jim Kirk.”
“McCoy. Leonard McCoy,” he grunts back. Jim decides that this whole study group thing might be even better than he thought.
Then Uhura (still the only name he’s gotten out of her) shows up and starts picking apart every interaction he has and managing to make him seem like a cross between Satan and Scrooge. Things devolve quickly into shouting after that - by the time Jim finally gets up and says he can’t take any more of this shit, Pavel is crying and Spock blinks and tells Jim that he’s the most illogical person he’s ever met.
“Oh yeah?” Jim says, control having flown out the window. “Well, you have Asperger’s.”
And then he storms out.
**
He’s sitting on the steps of the library when McCoy comes out and sits next to him. “Well, and here Uhura told me you have the ability to charm the pants off of everyone. Guess she overestimated your people skills, huh?”
“Look, you don’t have to rub salt in the fucking wound, okay? I don’t even want to be here,” Jim spits.
“Eh, none of us do,” McCoy shrugs. “You think I’d rather be here than in surgery? You think Sulu would be here if he could get in the Air Force? You think Chekov would be studying here if he wasn’t fourteen and his parents could afford to send him to some Ivy League? No.” McCoy slaps him on the shoulder and stands up. “But we’re here, kid. So we’d better make the most of it. If nothing else, it will be a lesson in humility.”
Jim looks up at McCoy. “Yeah, you’re telling me. I already fucked up with one group.”
McCoy nods back in the direction he came in. “I think you’ll find that you haven’t quite managed that yet.”
Jim turns, and sure enough, the entire study group is filtering out of the library looking sheepish. “In the light of the extenuating circumstances of your abrupt arrival here I revise my opinion that your actions were illogical,” Spock says stiffly.
“So… maybe we overreacted,” Gaila says, winding a strand of red hair around her finger. “Do-over?”
Jim smiles up at them. “Yeah, sure. I guess the only thing that can suck harder than this place is going through it alone, right?” He turns to Uhura. “And along that vein-”
“Sorry, Kirk,” Uhura says breezily. “I got plans tonight.” She smiles brightly at McCoy. “Ready?”
McCoy offers his arm to her and they start down the steps, leaving Jim dumbstruck behind them. Finally, he manages to squeak out, “What the fuck?”
McCoy turns back with a shit-eating grin. “Lesson in humility, remember?”
Jim is offended for a few seconds before he bursts out laughing. “Touché, Bones.” He stands and offers his own arm to Gaila. “Milady?”
She giggles and takes it. “Milord.”
Starfleet’s going to suck, Jim decides. But maybe not as bad as he thought it would. And if he gets to sleep with Uhura or McCoy along the way? Well, that’s just icing on the cake.
FAMILY DAY
Everything comes to a head on Family Day.
It starts out fine, of course. Jim sticks to Bones like glue because it’s not like his family would come to visit. And maybe he’s a little pissed off at first because hello, Bones has become his best friend over the past few months and suddenly he’s just now seen fit to tell him that, oh yeah, he’s got a daughter, her name is Joanna, say hi to the annoying man Jojo so we can leave now.
But then Joanna grins at him and he totally forgets to be mad at Bones.
She looks just like him, but six years old and blonde and smiley and adorable, and within minutes Jim’s calling her Oss.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asks, making a face at him.
“It’s because I call your dad Bones,” Jim explains cheerfully as he offers his seat to her. “Ossicles means ‘tiny bones,’ but that’s way too long to say. Is it okay to call you that?”
Bones grunts something about not having a choice about his damn nickname, thank you very much, but Jim ignores him in favor of basking in her bright smile.
“I like it. Ossicles sounds like icicles,” she giggles.
He gets to spend an entire glorious day with the two of them. Joanna arches a dubious eyebrow at Senor Archer and looks so much like Bones that Jim can’t help but laugh right in the middle of Spanish. Bones is an amazing father, and Jim just sits back and watches them in amazement and ignores the pang of jealousy in his chest at the thought of the childhood he was deprived of.
Not to mention the fact that Bones looks totally fucking hot in his dad role.
By the time they have to leave, Joanna isn’t the only one begging them not to go.
“I’ll see you at school on Monday,” Bones finally cuts them off firmly. “Say goodbye to Jim, Jojo.”
Joanna throws her arms around Jim’s neck and hugs him tightly. “Bye, Uncle Jim,” she says somewhat tearfully, and Jim’s heart shatters.
“Bye, Oss,” he says, squeezing her back.
Bones grips his shoulder as he stands back up and gives him a grateful look. “Jim,” he says seriously. “Thank you for today. She really had fun.”
“It was nothing,” Jim dismisses, and finds he really does mean it. Bones squeezes his shoulder and takes Joanna’s hand, and Jim waves at them until they’ve disappeared into the parking lot.
And then Uhura appears like the little angel of death that she is and fucks everything up.
“Did you have fun?” she asks.
Jim looks at her suspiciously. “You’re being nice. Why?”
“Oh, nothing,” she says innocently. “Just noticing you making eyes at Leonard all day and thought I’d ask you about it.”
“I always make eyes at Leonard,” Jim points out.
“Yeah, but he’s not usually with his daughter.” She tilts her head and looks up at him. “You know, when people are looking for casual sex, they don’t exactly get turned on by watching people with their kids. You know who does like that? People looking for relationships.” She grins, and she looks like a shark. “When exactly did you fall in love with Leonard?”
Jim’s stomach drops to the vicinity of his knees.
“What-” he gasps, but can’t say anything else. Uhura’s grin just gets wider.
“Anyway, I’m going to go out to a bar with Gaila and get laid. You just stay here have fun pining over Leonard, okay? I’ll see you Monday.”
And then she struts off gracefully, leaving Jim on the steps of the library wondering when exactly he stopped wanting a piece of Leonard McCoy’s ass and when he started wanting a relationship with all of him.
I may end up writing more of these, but who knows.
Anyway. Both are rated R for language.
DAY ONE
Starfleet Community College is going to suck, Jim decides.
There are a couple of good indicators of this. First off and most prominent is the name - Starfleet was clearly founded by people who were high as balls for a good period of time. Second is general feeling of depression and self-loathing that has seeped into every pore of the place. Third is the fact that he is actually expected to show up to class. Well, in theory, at any rate.
But the first day he actually goes to Spanish class, Jim looks next to him to find the hottest girl he’s seen in a week.
“Hello,” he leans over. “How would you like-”
“No,” she shuts him down mercilessly.
He blinks at her. “You didn’t even know what I was going to ask.”
“I’m going to take a wild guess and say you were going to ask me out,” she says, still not looking over at him. “In which case, I change my answer to ‘hell no.’”
“Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to study tonight,” Jim lies.
The girl finally looks over only to roll her eyes. “Yeah, you really seem like the type to study, seeing as it’s Friday and this is the first time you’ve shown up to class.”
An equally hot redhead next to her perks up and looks over at Jim. “Did you want to study?” she asks earnestly. “We were going to meet in the group study room in the library tonight. You’re welcome to join.”
The other girl turns to glare at her. “Gaila!”
“What? Was I too forward?”
Jim grins at the pair. “See you there.”
**
Professor Chris Pike is the reason why he’s even in this shithole.
“It’ll be a good experience for you,” he says, smirking over his desk. “You might even learn something.”
Jim snorts and nods at the quad of students. “Yeah, right. If I wanted to learn something, I wouldn’t have come here.”
Pike just sighs. “You’ve had a rough life, kid. Why don’t you take this as the chance that it is?”
“What, the chance to have a fifty-year-old pinch my ass in class and deal with teachers even crazier than you? Gee, thanks.”
**
Unfortunately, the group does not consist of just him and two hot girls.
There’s also an entirely too earnest high school kid, a guy with a Scottish accent so thick Jim can barely understand him, an Asian guy who looks like he’d rather be out tossing a football or something than having to study, a weird guy named Spock whose expression never changes, and the grumpiest man Jim has ever laid eyes on.
Who also happens to be pretty hot himself. In a batshit crazy way, at any rate.
“So why are you here?” Jim asks.
The guy launches into some tirade about a divorce and losing his medical license and Jim takes the opportunity to check him out. Crazy hot, indeed. “Anyway, the wife left me with nothing but my bones, so I figured there’s nothing else for me to do in the meantime but kill time here,” the guy finally winds down.
“Cool,” Jim says cheerfully. “I’m Jim Kirk.”
“McCoy. Leonard McCoy,” he grunts back. Jim decides that this whole study group thing might be even better than he thought.
Then Uhura (still the only name he’s gotten out of her) shows up and starts picking apart every interaction he has and managing to make him seem like a cross between Satan and Scrooge. Things devolve quickly into shouting after that - by the time Jim finally gets up and says he can’t take any more of this shit, Pavel is crying and Spock blinks and tells Jim that he’s the most illogical person he’s ever met.
“Oh yeah?” Jim says, control having flown out the window. “Well, you have Asperger’s.”
And then he storms out.
**
He’s sitting on the steps of the library when McCoy comes out and sits next to him. “Well, and here Uhura told me you have the ability to charm the pants off of everyone. Guess she overestimated your people skills, huh?”
“Look, you don’t have to rub salt in the fucking wound, okay? I don’t even want to be here,” Jim spits.
“Eh, none of us do,” McCoy shrugs. “You think I’d rather be here than in surgery? You think Sulu would be here if he could get in the Air Force? You think Chekov would be studying here if he wasn’t fourteen and his parents could afford to send him to some Ivy League? No.” McCoy slaps him on the shoulder and stands up. “But we’re here, kid. So we’d better make the most of it. If nothing else, it will be a lesson in humility.”
Jim looks up at McCoy. “Yeah, you’re telling me. I already fucked up with one group.”
McCoy nods back in the direction he came in. “I think you’ll find that you haven’t quite managed that yet.”
Jim turns, and sure enough, the entire study group is filtering out of the library looking sheepish. “In the light of the extenuating circumstances of your abrupt arrival here I revise my opinion that your actions were illogical,” Spock says stiffly.
“So… maybe we overreacted,” Gaila says, winding a strand of red hair around her finger. “Do-over?”
Jim smiles up at them. “Yeah, sure. I guess the only thing that can suck harder than this place is going through it alone, right?” He turns to Uhura. “And along that vein-”
“Sorry, Kirk,” Uhura says breezily. “I got plans tonight.” She smiles brightly at McCoy. “Ready?”
McCoy offers his arm to her and they start down the steps, leaving Jim dumbstruck behind them. Finally, he manages to squeak out, “What the fuck?”
McCoy turns back with a shit-eating grin. “Lesson in humility, remember?”
Jim is offended for a few seconds before he bursts out laughing. “Touché, Bones.” He stands and offers his own arm to Gaila. “Milady?”
She giggles and takes it. “Milord.”
Starfleet’s going to suck, Jim decides. But maybe not as bad as he thought it would. And if he gets to sleep with Uhura or McCoy along the way? Well, that’s just icing on the cake.
FAMILY DAY
Everything comes to a head on Family Day.
It starts out fine, of course. Jim sticks to Bones like glue because it’s not like his family would come to visit. And maybe he’s a little pissed off at first because hello, Bones has become his best friend over the past few months and suddenly he’s just now seen fit to tell him that, oh yeah, he’s got a daughter, her name is Joanna, say hi to the annoying man Jojo so we can leave now.
But then Joanna grins at him and he totally forgets to be mad at Bones.
She looks just like him, but six years old and blonde and smiley and adorable, and within minutes Jim’s calling her Oss.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asks, making a face at him.
“It’s because I call your dad Bones,” Jim explains cheerfully as he offers his seat to her. “Ossicles means ‘tiny bones,’ but that’s way too long to say. Is it okay to call you that?”
Bones grunts something about not having a choice about his damn nickname, thank you very much, but Jim ignores him in favor of basking in her bright smile.
“I like it. Ossicles sounds like icicles,” she giggles.
He gets to spend an entire glorious day with the two of them. Joanna arches a dubious eyebrow at Senor Archer and looks so much like Bones that Jim can’t help but laugh right in the middle of Spanish. Bones is an amazing father, and Jim just sits back and watches them in amazement and ignores the pang of jealousy in his chest at the thought of the childhood he was deprived of.
Not to mention the fact that Bones looks totally fucking hot in his dad role.
By the time they have to leave, Joanna isn’t the only one begging them not to go.
“I’ll see you at school on Monday,” Bones finally cuts them off firmly. “Say goodbye to Jim, Jojo.”
Joanna throws her arms around Jim’s neck and hugs him tightly. “Bye, Uncle Jim,” she says somewhat tearfully, and Jim’s heart shatters.
“Bye, Oss,” he says, squeezing her back.
Bones grips his shoulder as he stands back up and gives him a grateful look. “Jim,” he says seriously. “Thank you for today. She really had fun.”
“It was nothing,” Jim dismisses, and finds he really does mean it. Bones squeezes his shoulder and takes Joanna’s hand, and Jim waves at them until they’ve disappeared into the parking lot.
And then Uhura appears like the little angel of death that she is and fucks everything up.
“Did you have fun?” she asks.
Jim looks at her suspiciously. “You’re being nice. Why?”
“Oh, nothing,” she says innocently. “Just noticing you making eyes at Leonard all day and thought I’d ask you about it.”
“I always make eyes at Leonard,” Jim points out.
“Yeah, but he’s not usually with his daughter.” She tilts her head and looks up at him. “You know, when people are looking for casual sex, they don’t exactly get turned on by watching people with their kids. You know who does like that? People looking for relationships.” She grins, and she looks like a shark. “When exactly did you fall in love with Leonard?”
Jim’s stomach drops to the vicinity of his knees.
“What-” he gasps, but can’t say anything else. Uhura’s grin just gets wider.
“Anyway, I’m going to go out to a bar with Gaila and get laid. You just stay here have fun pining over Leonard, okay? I’ll see you Monday.”
And then she struts off gracefully, leaving Jim on the steps of the library wondering when exactly he stopped wanting a piece of Leonard McCoy’s ass and when he started wanting a relationship with all of him.
I may end up writing more of these, but who knows.