The Accident - GGAU #5
I had to buckle down and force myself to finish this since I won't have internet access til Tuesday night at the earliest, but I finally got it done. The last part was a bitch to write.
Title: The Accident
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~5800
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or it's characters. Don't own Gossip Girl either Never will either.
Summary: Gossip Girl AU. Len wakes up, in more ways than one.
Warnings: Amazingly, none.
Notes: This is not over. I've got a lot more planned for this verse, although not all of it is going to be Kirk/McCoy. I at least want to tackle Helene's story, and a few others. So stay tuned!
Len wakes up several times over the next few days, but drifts off again almost immediately. When he wakes up for good, he hears the sound of his mother’s voice in the corner.
“Yes. Next Friday. Surely you can pull yourself away from your poolside long enough to attend.” The world comes into slightly better focus and he can see Helene’s back to him. “Mother, I am not going to argue about this with you. Not tonight.” She listens for a few more seconds and her body tenses. “I don’t have the time for this. You are coming, I don’t care if I have to send someone to collect you. You are going to come and you are going to be here for me for once in my life.” She viciously clicks the end call button on her cell phone and drops her forehead to her other hand, suddenly sagging.
“Mom?” Len finally has the strength to croak.
She whirls around, and she’s at his side in an instant. “Leonard. Oh thank goodness, darling, I was so scared.” Len can’t reply. He can barely even breathe.
Her eyes are red.
In his entire life, he has seen his mother cry twice. Once when her father’s home in Paris had burned to the ground and she had gone for hours not knowing if he had made it out. And once when Spock’s mother, her childhood best friend, had collapsed at a party and had later been diagnosed by Len’s own father with cancer.
Before he can say anything, a doctor strides in. He examines Len quickly and efficiently before nodding respectfully at his mother.
“It was touch and go for a while there, but he’ll be fine, Mrs. McCoy. He’s a lucky boy - a little further over and he might have suffered brain damage. As it is, he should make a full recovery. Plenty of time before next Friday.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” she says softly, not looking at him. He nods again, then slips from the room, leaving Len more confused than ever.
“Mom, what’s Friday?”
She opens her mouth, but only a hitched sob comes out. Len can practically hear his world crashing about his ears.
It takes her a while to get the story out, mainly so she can compose herself enough to speak. But the story slowly emerges: how Nyota had seen Joanna kick him and had ridden in the ambulance with him to the hospital, frantically trying to reach his mother but only getting her voicemail. How she’d finally called his father as a last resort, knowing that he had been in Los Angeles but needing one of his parents there. How his father had jumped on the Lear jet without going through the proper safety protocols, desperate to reach his son.
How the jet had gone down in an empty field halfway to New York.
He sits, numb, watching fresh tears spring to his mother’s eyes. His father is dead. It sounds wrong. He had seen him the other morning as he was leaving for his trip. He had stolen Len’s toast as he walked out the door to catch his plane.
His mother sits with him for a while longer, gently stroking his hair, until she absolutely has to go. “I have to… make arrangements,” she says. “Your friends should be arriving soon. I won’t keep you from them.” She kisses his cheek as lightly as she can. “I love you.”
Gaila is the first to arrive, her curls soaked from the rain and tear tracks down her cheeks. She laces her fingers through his and sits silently with him until Spock and Nyota arrive, squeezing first Len’s hand, then Nyota’s, before leaving as well.
Spock is stoic as ever but Nyota is far from it. It’s a shock to see the one girl at Constance Billard who never loses her composure so hysterical. It takes nearly ten minutes to finally get her to start believing that the blame doesn’t lie with her. When she calms down sufficiently, she bids a quick adieu to Len before rushing off to the ladies’ room, covering her face with her hand. Spock stands awkwardly at the foot of Len’s bed, staring at him for a moment before speaking.
“Thank you. For not letting her take the blame.”
Len looks down at his lap. “It’s not her fault. Not in the slightest.”
“Be that as it may.” Spock takes a breath. “I know how easy it can be to… assign blame upon the death of a loved one. I myself blamed your father when my mother passed. It took a long time to accept it was the disease, not her doctor, who killed her.” Len looks up at the boy in shock. “Allow me to express my deepest condolences, Len. Your father was a good man. Far better than most. If you ever need to, do not hesitate to visit me. Sometimes we need a shoulder less than we need peace.”
Len has to swallow before he can speak. “Thank you.”
Spock nods, then turns on his heel and walks out stiffly. Not two minutes later, Jim appears, out of breath, and is immediately at his side. “Oh God, Bones,” he says, trying to find a chair with his foot so he doesn’t have to look away from his best friend’s face. “Oh, God. I was so scared. Jesus, Bones, there’s a reason why I’m the one who always gets hurt, I can’t handle this shit.”
“Jim,” Len says hoarsely. Jim immediately falls silent, just looking at him in anticipation. Len can feel a lump rising in his throat. “Jim, my dad’s dead.”
Jim’s mouth tightens. “I know.”
A second later, Jim climbs up into Len’s hospital bed and is holding Len’s head to his chest as he cries his eyes out. Every time he thinks he’s calming down, Jim strokes a hand through his hair or over his back and he’s set off again. It’s a while before he can regain his composure. When he does, Jim still doesn’t leave the bed.
“Bones,” he says softly. “Promise me you’re not going to blame yourself for this.”
Not for the first time, Len is floored by how well Jim knows him. How he knew that, after the shock of losing his father sank in, the first thing Len would do is blame himself.
“It is my fault, though,” he says miserably. “I’m the one that was acting like a jackass and throwing things around, I was the one who scared Jo.”
“Yeah, okay. It’s your fault you got kicked,” Jim admits. “But it’s not your fault that David’s plane crashed.”
“If I hadn’t gotten my dumb ass hurt, he would have never-”
“Bones,” Jim cuts him off, looking pained. “Believe me. It’s not your fault. Don’t go down that path, Bones, because believe me, you won’t come back if you do.” And Len can only stare at Jim, the boy who blamed himself for his father’s death since he was able to understand that his birthday and the date on the tombstone were the same. Len’s heard him talk about it a few times, when Jim is drunk and lonely, and he had been there the day Jim had come home to find Sam gone-
And now he feels like the biggest shit in the universe. Especially since Jim is still talking.
“He would have done that if any of us had gotten hurt, you know? Remember that time in fourth grade when I tried to do a backflip off the swings and I broke in my arm? And my mom was in Prague and Sam refused to miss any school so your dad got out of the taxi and ran seven blocks to the hospital because he didn’t want to wait for traffic. And I wasn’t even his son, Bones.” Jim squeezes his shoulder, and Len leans into his touch. “Don’t blame yourself because your father was the best man on the Upper East Side, Bones,” Jim finishes softly.
Jim stays for hours, sometimes talking, sometimes silent, but his presence is all Len could ask for. Finally a nurse comes in and shoos him out, but before he leaves, he levels his gaze with Len’s.
“I mean it, Bones. No blaming yourself. You start to feel that way again, call me. I’ll talk you out of it.” He waits for Len to nod before patting his leg and half-heartedly leering at the nurse on the way out.
Then he’s all alone, but the scent of Jim still clings to the sheets. He breathes it in until he falls asleep.
**
Jim finds Bones’ mother waiting outside the elevator. He nods respectfully at her. “Mrs. McCoy.”
She gives him a tight smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “Please, Jim. You’ve been my son’s best friend for over ten years. It’s Helene.”
“Helene,” Jim repeats. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
She considers him for several long moments, and Jim has to fight the urge to fidget under the hazel eyes that look so much like her son’s. “Thank you, Jim. Would you mind accompanying me downstairs?”
Jim’s confused, but he’s careful not to let it show. Instead, he hits the elevator call button and waits for her to speak once the doors slide shut. When she does, it’s halting and careful, a far cry from the strong woman he’s seen striding about on Fifth Avenue. “Jim, I don’t have to tell you that my husband is - was - very fond of you,” she begins. “I want you to know that while you and I have never been as close as you were to David, I feel the same way. You’re part of our family, Jim, and I don’t want you to feel that because my husband is gone you are no longer welcome in our home. I know that you’re probably going to try to be there as much as you can for Leonard, but I don’t want you to neglect yourself. Let yourself have a chance to mourn as well.”
Jim’s mouth is dry. “Thank you.”
She looks down at her hands as they walk into the lobby. “Yes, well, it’s the least I can do. You’ve done so much for Leonard over the years. And we’ve always considered you to be like a son.” They stop under the overhang outside the hospital to take shelter while waiting for their rides. “I would like for you to sit with the family for the funeral next Friday. The doctors say that Leonard should be out by then, and I’m sure he’ll want you next to him.”
“Of course,” Jim responds automatically. She smiles, a bit warmer this time, though still sad.
“I’m so glad he has you, Jim.”
He ducks his head, willing his cheeks to keep from flushing but failing miserably. “He’s got a lot of friends who would go to bat for him. I’ve just been friends with him for the longest.”
She shakes her head. “I think we both know it goes further than that.” Jim’s eyes shoot up to meet hers, and she squeezes his arm knowingly. “He’ll come around eventually. Hang in there.” Before Jim can ask her anything, her towncar pulls up. “Thank you, Jim. For everything.” She slides into the backseat of the car and he watches the taillights disappear into the night, feeling lost and miserable and a little dumbstruck at the revelation that his secret may not be his best-kept one after all.
When he gets home, Nyota is still awake, curled up on the couch in the sitting room, looking lost. He sits down beside her and she immediately leans into him.
“Jim?” she says softly, her voice wobbling. “This - this -”
And something about the way that she, of all people, is lost for words brings the magnitude of the situation down on him. He feels tears prickle at his own eyes for the first time and he wraps an arm around her shoulders, pressing his head against hers. “I know,” he says. “This sucks.”
**
The thing about hospitals is, when your name is on the hospital ward, they can’t exactly kick you out. Helene puts her foot down and determines that Len will be staying for observation until he absolutely has to leave for the funeral, and his doctors can only meekly agree.
Over the next week, Jim comes to visit Len every day. He says nothing about the fact that he’s skipping school, and Len doesn’t have the heart to point it out, because he really needs him there. He does, however, bring up the subject of his “birthday” party.
“I really don’t think I’ll be able to go, Jim,” he says tiredly.
“Oh, the party’s off,” Jim replies. “I’m not exactly in the mood to celebrate much of anything.”
Len’s grateful for two reasons. One he freely admits to is the fact that he can’t exactly stomach a celebration right now either. The second, one he is more than slightly ashamed of, is that now he won’t have to watch Jim drag a couple of girls into a side room halfway into the night.
Nyota is not so willing to skip school, but every day, at three-thirty on the nose, she and Gaila arrive in his room and perch on the end of his bed until they absolutely have to leave. They bring the boys’ homework and news from the school, and a couple of days, Spock.
Len is released from the hospital the day before the funeral, but as soon as he walks into the entryway of his home, he feels slightly sick. The situation is not remedied by his grandmother’s arrival, who brushes her dry lips across his cheek before immediately heading for the wine. He catches the pained look on his mother’s face and decides against running out the door. He does, however, call Jim, who arrives within ten minutes and whisks Len upstairs so he doesn’t have to keep hearing his grandmother loudly complain about the lack of gin.
The funeral is… awful. There is no other way to describe it. Len can only stare at his lap the entire time, squeezed between his mother and Jim, and Jim has to call his name five times before he realizes it’s time to leave the church. After it’s all over, Len lingers, not wanting to go home and leave Jim’s side. His mother solves this predicament for him by wrapping him in her arms and practically ordering him to go home with Jim and Nyota. Gaila and Spock join them as well, and all five of them troop into Jim’s room. Len falls asleep on Jim’s bed sandwiched between the two girls while Spock leafs through one of Jim’s books and Jim sits lost in his own thoughts.
A week after the funeral, Len’s mother announces that she has to go to London. Len doesn’t even realize that he’s hyperventilating until his mother shouts at him to calm down.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this,” he yells at her. “One problem, one tiny engine error, and you’re going down over the Atlantic.”
“Leonard, I will make sure they double check everything before we take off,” she says soothingly. “I’ll call you the second we touch down. I’ll be fine, trust me.”
Len doesn’t trust her. It’s why he ends up sprawled out on Jim’s bed that night, staring at his phone until his mother’s name flashes across the screen. After that, he just sort of… stays.
**
Having Bones in his home is a mixed bag. On the one hand, Jim and Nyota can keep a better eye on him while he stays in the guest room. On the other hand, Bones is in his house. Using his shower. Wandering into Jim’s room shirtless to inquire about the whereabouts of his uniform jacket. Stretching out on the couch so that his bare feet brush Jim’s leg.
Jim is pretty sure thou shalt not jerk off over your depressed best friend isn't one of the Ten Commandments, but he’s probably going to hell anyway.
He endures it, though, because Bones would do the same for him. And at the end of the day, he hoards those moments that make his mouth go dry in his memory, because he can never really regret being able to touch Bones. That doesn’t stop him from feeling selfish, however.
He says as much to Nyota one Saturday in April while Bones is back with his mother and Spock had to cancel their plans to have dinner with his father. She takes one look at his dejected form and rolls her eyes, commanding: “Get up. We’re going to Bendel’s.”
Nyota browses through the store while Jim follows behind, chatting quietly so as to not be picked up by any eavesdroppers.
“It’s just… really hard sometimes,” he confesses, rubbing a hand over his face. “I mean, I would much prefer him to be with us than to be alone, but-” He searches for the words for a moment, then gives up, shrugging. “It’s hard,” he finishes lamely.
Nyota looks up at him sharply. It’s the first time he’s spoken openly about his feelings for Bones, even though he knows that she’s been aware of them since at least Halloween. “You need to tell him, you know.”
“I can’t,” Jim sags. “I can’t do that to our friendship. God, Nyota, he’s my best friend. He was the closest thing I had to family for years. I can’t risk that, especially when I know that he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“People change, you know,” she points out.
“Bones doesn’t,” Jim laughs. “Trust me, N. I’ll be fine. I’ve kept from telling him for like five years now. I’m used to it.”
She gives him the sad eyes again and slides her arm through his. “You know, Kirk,” she says softly. “You aren’t half bad, you know.”
He grins down at her. “You aren’t so bad yourself, Uhura.”
Sometimes Jim truly can’t believe how amazing his new family is. Sometimes he wonders what he’s done to deserve them. Most of the time he’s just grateful for them.
**
Over the months, Len gradually starts to come to terms with his father’s death. It still catches him off-guard, sometimes, when he thinks of a funny story to tell or a question to ask him about a new medical development, only to realize he can’t. But gradually the pangs that accompany these moments become easier to endure. It’s due in no small part to Jim. Every time he sees a look start to pass over Len’s face, he’s there, talking him through it. He tells stories and relives shared memories, or just listens to Len talk, his blue eyes large and serious. He’s so goddamn perfect that it hurts, and with every day that passes, Len feels himself falling harder and harder for him.
He can’t pinpoint the moment that it became more than a crush, but at the beginning of June, he wakes up to the realization that he’s in love with Jim.
It’s different than when he was in love with Jocelyn. Jocelyn was beautiful and smart and he could hardly believe that she had looked twice at him, much less wanted to date him. His love for Jocelyn was one of disbelief.
Loving Jim, on the other hand, feels like coming home. Jim is just as gorgeous as Jocelyn and he’s even smarter, but Len almost never feels intimidated by this because Jim is always the one who looks like he can hardly believe Len is at his side. And whereas getting to know Jocelyn had been an adventure (right up to the point where he learned she was a cheating bitch, anyway), he and Jim know each other inside and out.
Loving Jim feels like a natural progression, one that was impossible to avoid since he kissed Jim on Halloween. Probably even before that.
This revelation comes with a wave of dread. Nyota had basically told him that Jim had no sexual feelings for him, and even if she hadn’t, it didn’t take a blind man to notice. Jim is certainly a tactile person, to be sure, but his touches aren’t lingering or longing. It’s usually merely a casual arm thrown around his shoulder, or a comforting squeeze of his arm. Even if he was attracted to Len, however, there remained the simple fact that Jim is not the commitment type. He had never dated anyone as far as Len knew, and if the clench of his stomach that accompanied the sight of Jim with a girl is any indication, he would not be happy with anything short of monogamy.
So he keeps silent.
He can’t help but be a little selfish, however, and slide onto the same couch as Jim even when there’s an empty armchair right next to him, or barge into his room without knocking in the hopes of catching a glimpse of bare skin.
He’s probably the worst excuse for a human being he knows.
But when he and Jim start discussing their summer plans, Jim makes ignoring anything impossible. “So I was thinking we could just crash in the Hamptons for a while,” he suggests. “If we get bored we can get a car or something. Drive down to Miami so we can laugh at the orange people and you can watch me get sunburnt.”
He doesn’t suggest a single destination that includes flying. Len realizes that he’s past the point of no return. Something has to be done.
He just has to figure out what.
**
Jim looks up in surprise when Bones barges in. “Hey. I thought you weren’t going to stay here while your mom was in town.”
“Oh, I’m not staying.” Bones looks slightly flustered. “Is Nyota here?”
Jim feels a slight sting as he waves a hand in the direction of her room and Bones goes barreling down the hall, and forces himself not to think about what Bones could possibly tell her that he couldn’t tell Jim.
**
“I’m in love with Jim,” Len blurts out as soon as the door clicks shut. “I need your help.”
To her credit, Nyota keeps her composure for a good five seconds. Then her face breaks into a wide smile and she launches herself out of her bed toward Len. He’s struck, as usual, by how much smaller she is when she’s not wearing towering stilettos.
“Really?” she asks when she pulls away, pressing her hands to her mouth. When he nods, she squeals and hugs him again. She calms down slightly, enough for her to scowl and punch him in the arm. “It took you long enough!”
“Ow,” he complains. “Wait, what?”
She rolls her eyes so hard it must hurt. “You are so slow, Len,” she gripes, sitting back on her bed. “G and I have been trying to get it through your thick skull for months now.”
His jaw drops. “What? You knew? Does everyone know?”
Nyota shrugs. “There haven’t been any mentions of it on Gossip Girl, so I’m going to say no. But of course Gaila and I know, who do you think we are?” She bounces slightly. “Have you told him yet?”
“Uh, no,” he scoffs. She scowls at him again.
“Why not?”
“Let’s see,” he says. “The last time I tried anything with him, he shoved me off and told me to shack up with some whore. I really don’t think he’s interested.”
She immediately assumes her patented I’m talking to an idiot face. “Len. I’m going to try to explain this in small words. Jim has been in love with you. Forever. Like, middle school.”
Something leaps in his chest. It feels a lot like hope. He squashes it quickly. “You’re joking.”
She groans. “God, L, you’re killing me here. Trust me. I live with him. I know.”
“So why hasn’t he said anything?”
She looks a little sad at this. “You’re his best friend, Len. He’d suffer in silence his whole life if it meant he got to keep you in any capacity, even if it was one he wasn’t totally satisfied with.”
Len sits down next to her. “And is he going to be satisfied if he can’t sleep with every girl that comes his way?” he challenges.
“Len, the only reason he hasn’t ever dated anyone is because the only one he was interested in wasn’t interested in him,” she points out. “You haven’t noticed? He hasn’t slept with anyone since March. He only wants to be there for you.”
“So… why did he push me off in October?”
“He wants you for real, Len,” she explains. “Not because you want to blow of steam. He wants you to want him.”
“I do.” The words slip out before he can stop them, and his cheeks burn red. Nyota’s smile returns, full force. “So what do I do?”
“You’d better make it a grand gesture, whatever it is,” she warns. “He deserves as much for waiting around five years for you. My suggestion would be the wedding. And make sure you let him know that you love him. Don’t let him think that you’re just sad over your father or something.”
“Believe me, I won’t,” he says. “God, Nyota, how am I ever going to thank you?”
She grins. “You can let me tell Gaila.”
**
Jim tries to bat Nyota’s hands away from his tie, but they return a second later anyway.
“It’s crooked,” she admonishes. “Stop being such a baby and hold still.”
“No one is going to be looking at me anyway,” he pouts.
“They will be during your toast,” she points out. “You did write one, right?”
He flashes her injured eyes. “Of course I did. I’m not going to just blow something like this off, especially when your dad is the one who asked me to do it.”
Nyota relaxes and even smiles a bit. “Hey,” she tells him. “In about three hours I’m going to be your sister.”
Jim grins at her. “Are you going to vomit?”
“No,” she laughs. “Like I said. You’re not half bad, Kirk.”
“Yeah? Well you’re amazing,” he says.
She rewards him with a warm, beautiful smile and a hug.
**
Len is going to vomit.
He fumbles with his tie for about a minute before his mother intervenes with sympathetic eyes, knotting it efficiently.
“What’s got you so nervous?” she asks, smoothing the fabric down. “You would think it’s your wedding day, not Winona's.”
He opens his mouth to deny everything, but when he looks at her, he knows he’s screwed. His mother did not become one of the most successful businesswomen in the world without developing a finely honed bullshit radar. He couldn’t fool her any more than the president of the United States could.
“I’m in love with Jim,” he blurts out. “Nyota thinks I should tell him today.”
He’s mortified. There’s no other way to describe it. However, rather than looking shocked, his mother just chuckles. “It’s about time. I was afraid you were going to drag it out for months.”
“You-” he gapes. “You knew?”
“Darling,” she admonishes. “I’m your mother. Of course I knew. I knew probably before even you did. Your father was the one who pointed it out to me, for heaven’s sake.”
“And you’re okay with this?” he asks. She looks at him sharply.
“Leonard. If you think I’m one of those mothers who are going to overlook their son’s happiness simply because he’s found it with another boy, you really don’t know me at all.” Her face softens, and she rests a hand on his cheek. “Darling. I had the happiest marriage in Manhattan for twenty years. And I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to find someone who truly cares about you on the Upper East Side. If you can have just a fraction of the joy that I experienced with your father, well, that’s all I can ask for.”
He wants to hug her, but he’s afraid of wrinkling her Valentino. He settles for squeezing her hand. “Thank you, Mom.”
“You’re welcome, Leonard. Go get him.”
**
Jim is pretty sure the day of his mother’s wedding to Zuberi Uhura is going to be the best day of his life.
The early June day is absolutely flawless. Perfect for the outdoor wedding. He and Nyota make their way down the aisle and he takes his place next to his future stepfather, clapping him on the shoulder. When his mother steps into the aisle, even he can’t keep from smiling at her. As they exchange their vows, he and Nyota sneak looks at each other from the corner of their eyes.
He tries hard to keep his eyes off Bones during the toast, but even he looks so happy that Jim keeps glancing back his way as he talks of love and family. When he sits down, the tips of his ears are burning.
He dances once with Nyota before handing her off to Spock, scanning the crowd for Bones so he can sit with his friend and watch the crowd. Instead, a hand grasps his elbow and Bones’ warm breath tickles his ear.
“Wanna get out of here?”
He’s forcibly reminded of the brunch ages ago, when Bones had dragged him into a side room to apologize for kissing him. Jim nods, mute, and Bones guides him out to the hallway and into a small room Jim had been unaware of.
Jim is inexplicably nervous. He lets out a shaky laugh as he collapses on a couch. “Kind of loud in there, huh? I hadn’t noticed until we left.”
Bones takes a seat next to him and grins. “Yeah. Nice wedding, though.”
“Perfect,” Jim agrees. He looks sideways at Bones, who appears to be contemplating him silently. He fidgets under his gaze until he can’t take it anymore, finally demanding: “What?”
Bones blushes slightly and looks down at his lap, picking at an invisible piece of lint on his pants. “Nothing, it’s just… I never thanked you. You know, for all you’ve done for me these past months.”
Jim waves him off. “It’s nothing. Really. You would have done the same for me.”
“That’s not the point,” Bones protests. “I don’t think anyone else could have done that for me. I mean, Nyota and Gaila were sympathetic, but you just knew whenever I started feeling guilty or depressed and you just… fixed me. So… thank you.”
Jim swallows. “You’re welcome, Bones.”
Bones doesn’t appear to be finished, however. Instead, he looks up and focuses on Jim’s face, looking conflicted. Finally, he bursts. “I’m sorry I took advantage of our friendship on Halloween.”
Now Jim is the one blushing. “You already apologized once, you don’t have to do it again,” he mutters.
“No, I apologized for kissing you,” Bones corrects. Jim fails to notice the difference, but Bones seems happy to oblige in explaining. “I’ve realized something since then. I am sorry for taking advantage of you. But I’m not sorry for kissing you.”
Jim’s breath catches in his throat and he looks away, grasping for any distraction. “Um…”
“Jim,” Bones’ soft voice calls, and he is helpless to do anything else but look back. “It was wrong for me to kiss you. But ever since then, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind. So I can’t be sorry for that.” He runs a hand through his hair in slight frustration and laughs. “I’ve been trying to figure out how to say this all day. Trying to find a way to make you understand that I’m serious about this, that this isn’t a mistake on my part.” He shakes his head. “Maybe I should just…” He trails off, staring at Jim, then blurts out “I’m in love with you.”
If Jim’s going to die of asphyxiation, he figures this is as good a time as any. “What?” he manages to squeak.
“I love you,” Bones repeats. “I would have told you sooner, but I’m apparently too stupid to notice. But I mean it, Jim, I mean it more than I’ve ever meant it before. Dammit, Jim, you’re it.” He looks shyly down at his hands. Jim’s pinching himself, and he’s still not waking up, but this is just too good to be real - “I guess the question is now,” Bones finishes, “Is that, if I kiss you this time, will I be taking advantage of our friendship again?”
Screw it. If this is a dream, Jim doesn’t want to wake up. “Not if I kiss you first,” Jim chokes out. Bones looks up, and Jim’s lips are on his in an instant.
He pours five years of unrequited love into the kiss, and Bones responds with equal fervor. For the first time, Jim allows himself to actually believe that Bones wants this as well, wants this even a fraction as much as he does.
Especially when they finally have to break apart to breathe, and Bones sneaks in one last chaste kiss. This simple action breaks Jim’s heart in the best possible way.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” Jim confesses against Bones’ lips. Bones frowns and kisses him again, soft and sweet.
“I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.” He brushes a thumb over Jim’s cheek. “Guess that means I have a lot more apologizing to do, huh?”
“Oh, I’m sure we can work something out,” Jim laughs, and Bones grins back. Beautiful. And for the first time, all his. He can’t resist kissing it. Finally, he manages to tear himself away with a groan. “As much as I would love for you to get started right here and now, we should probably head back to the reception,” he admits reluctantly. “It would not be hot if my mom had to come and drag us out.” Bones makes a grudging sound of agreement, and Jim kisses him again. “Hey,” he says, low and suggestive. “The newlyweds are leaving right after the reception. Nyota’s going over to Spock’s since his dad’s out of town. What do you say to starting that apologizing tonight?”
“I’d say you’re a goddamned genius, Jim Kirk,” Bones says. “But you’d better get off me right now, otherwise I’m not going to be able to stop myself.”
Jim forces himself into an upright position, then stands and straightens his tux. He sees Bones do the same out of the corner of his eye, and his heart stutters. For the first time, it’s not painful when it does.
“Hey,” Jim stops him before he can leave. “I just want you to know. I love you, too.”
Bones smiles, bright and blinding, and Jim can only return it. Bones swoops in and kisses him one last time before they walk back into the reception hall together.
It’s the best day of Jim’s life.
Title: The Accident
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~5800
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or it's characters. Don't own Gossip Girl either Never will either.
Summary: Gossip Girl AU. Len wakes up, in more ways than one.
Warnings: Amazingly, none.
Notes: This is not over. I've got a lot more planned for this verse, although not all of it is going to be Kirk/McCoy. I at least want to tackle Helene's story, and a few others. So stay tuned!
Len wakes up several times over the next few days, but drifts off again almost immediately. When he wakes up for good, he hears the sound of his mother’s voice in the corner.
“Yes. Next Friday. Surely you can pull yourself away from your poolside long enough to attend.” The world comes into slightly better focus and he can see Helene’s back to him. “Mother, I am not going to argue about this with you. Not tonight.” She listens for a few more seconds and her body tenses. “I don’t have the time for this. You are coming, I don’t care if I have to send someone to collect you. You are going to come and you are going to be here for me for once in my life.” She viciously clicks the end call button on her cell phone and drops her forehead to her other hand, suddenly sagging.
“Mom?” Len finally has the strength to croak.
She whirls around, and she’s at his side in an instant. “Leonard. Oh thank goodness, darling, I was so scared.” Len can’t reply. He can barely even breathe.
Her eyes are red.
In his entire life, he has seen his mother cry twice. Once when her father’s home in Paris had burned to the ground and she had gone for hours not knowing if he had made it out. And once when Spock’s mother, her childhood best friend, had collapsed at a party and had later been diagnosed by Len’s own father with cancer.
Before he can say anything, a doctor strides in. He examines Len quickly and efficiently before nodding respectfully at his mother.
“It was touch and go for a while there, but he’ll be fine, Mrs. McCoy. He’s a lucky boy - a little further over and he might have suffered brain damage. As it is, he should make a full recovery. Plenty of time before next Friday.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” she says softly, not looking at him. He nods again, then slips from the room, leaving Len more confused than ever.
“Mom, what’s Friday?”
She opens her mouth, but only a hitched sob comes out. Len can practically hear his world crashing about his ears.
It takes her a while to get the story out, mainly so she can compose herself enough to speak. But the story slowly emerges: how Nyota had seen Joanna kick him and had ridden in the ambulance with him to the hospital, frantically trying to reach his mother but only getting her voicemail. How she’d finally called his father as a last resort, knowing that he had been in Los Angeles but needing one of his parents there. How his father had jumped on the Lear jet without going through the proper safety protocols, desperate to reach his son.
How the jet had gone down in an empty field halfway to New York.
He sits, numb, watching fresh tears spring to his mother’s eyes. His father is dead. It sounds wrong. He had seen him the other morning as he was leaving for his trip. He had stolen Len’s toast as he walked out the door to catch his plane.
His mother sits with him for a while longer, gently stroking his hair, until she absolutely has to go. “I have to… make arrangements,” she says. “Your friends should be arriving soon. I won’t keep you from them.” She kisses his cheek as lightly as she can. “I love you.”
Gaila is the first to arrive, her curls soaked from the rain and tear tracks down her cheeks. She laces her fingers through his and sits silently with him until Spock and Nyota arrive, squeezing first Len’s hand, then Nyota’s, before leaving as well.
Spock is stoic as ever but Nyota is far from it. It’s a shock to see the one girl at Constance Billard who never loses her composure so hysterical. It takes nearly ten minutes to finally get her to start believing that the blame doesn’t lie with her. When she calms down sufficiently, she bids a quick adieu to Len before rushing off to the ladies’ room, covering her face with her hand. Spock stands awkwardly at the foot of Len’s bed, staring at him for a moment before speaking.
“Thank you. For not letting her take the blame.”
Len looks down at his lap. “It’s not her fault. Not in the slightest.”
“Be that as it may.” Spock takes a breath. “I know how easy it can be to… assign blame upon the death of a loved one. I myself blamed your father when my mother passed. It took a long time to accept it was the disease, not her doctor, who killed her.” Len looks up at the boy in shock. “Allow me to express my deepest condolences, Len. Your father was a good man. Far better than most. If you ever need to, do not hesitate to visit me. Sometimes we need a shoulder less than we need peace.”
Len has to swallow before he can speak. “Thank you.”
Spock nods, then turns on his heel and walks out stiffly. Not two minutes later, Jim appears, out of breath, and is immediately at his side. “Oh God, Bones,” he says, trying to find a chair with his foot so he doesn’t have to look away from his best friend’s face. “Oh, God. I was so scared. Jesus, Bones, there’s a reason why I’m the one who always gets hurt, I can’t handle this shit.”
“Jim,” Len says hoarsely. Jim immediately falls silent, just looking at him in anticipation. Len can feel a lump rising in his throat. “Jim, my dad’s dead.”
Jim’s mouth tightens. “I know.”
A second later, Jim climbs up into Len’s hospital bed and is holding Len’s head to his chest as he cries his eyes out. Every time he thinks he’s calming down, Jim strokes a hand through his hair or over his back and he’s set off again. It’s a while before he can regain his composure. When he does, Jim still doesn’t leave the bed.
“Bones,” he says softly. “Promise me you’re not going to blame yourself for this.”
Not for the first time, Len is floored by how well Jim knows him. How he knew that, after the shock of losing his father sank in, the first thing Len would do is blame himself.
“It is my fault, though,” he says miserably. “I’m the one that was acting like a jackass and throwing things around, I was the one who scared Jo.”
“Yeah, okay. It’s your fault you got kicked,” Jim admits. “But it’s not your fault that David’s plane crashed.”
“If I hadn’t gotten my dumb ass hurt, he would have never-”
“Bones,” Jim cuts him off, looking pained. “Believe me. It’s not your fault. Don’t go down that path, Bones, because believe me, you won’t come back if you do.” And Len can only stare at Jim, the boy who blamed himself for his father’s death since he was able to understand that his birthday and the date on the tombstone were the same. Len’s heard him talk about it a few times, when Jim is drunk and lonely, and he had been there the day Jim had come home to find Sam gone-
And now he feels like the biggest shit in the universe. Especially since Jim is still talking.
“He would have done that if any of us had gotten hurt, you know? Remember that time in fourth grade when I tried to do a backflip off the swings and I broke in my arm? And my mom was in Prague and Sam refused to miss any school so your dad got out of the taxi and ran seven blocks to the hospital because he didn’t want to wait for traffic. And I wasn’t even his son, Bones.” Jim squeezes his shoulder, and Len leans into his touch. “Don’t blame yourself because your father was the best man on the Upper East Side, Bones,” Jim finishes softly.
Jim stays for hours, sometimes talking, sometimes silent, but his presence is all Len could ask for. Finally a nurse comes in and shoos him out, but before he leaves, he levels his gaze with Len’s.
“I mean it, Bones. No blaming yourself. You start to feel that way again, call me. I’ll talk you out of it.” He waits for Len to nod before patting his leg and half-heartedly leering at the nurse on the way out.
Then he’s all alone, but the scent of Jim still clings to the sheets. He breathes it in until he falls asleep.
**
Jim finds Bones’ mother waiting outside the elevator. He nods respectfully at her. “Mrs. McCoy.”
She gives him a tight smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “Please, Jim. You’ve been my son’s best friend for over ten years. It’s Helene.”
“Helene,” Jim repeats. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
She considers him for several long moments, and Jim has to fight the urge to fidget under the hazel eyes that look so much like her son’s. “Thank you, Jim. Would you mind accompanying me downstairs?”
Jim’s confused, but he’s careful not to let it show. Instead, he hits the elevator call button and waits for her to speak once the doors slide shut. When she does, it’s halting and careful, a far cry from the strong woman he’s seen striding about on Fifth Avenue. “Jim, I don’t have to tell you that my husband is - was - very fond of you,” she begins. “I want you to know that while you and I have never been as close as you were to David, I feel the same way. You’re part of our family, Jim, and I don’t want you to feel that because my husband is gone you are no longer welcome in our home. I know that you’re probably going to try to be there as much as you can for Leonard, but I don’t want you to neglect yourself. Let yourself have a chance to mourn as well.”
Jim’s mouth is dry. “Thank you.”
She looks down at her hands as they walk into the lobby. “Yes, well, it’s the least I can do. You’ve done so much for Leonard over the years. And we’ve always considered you to be like a son.” They stop under the overhang outside the hospital to take shelter while waiting for their rides. “I would like for you to sit with the family for the funeral next Friday. The doctors say that Leonard should be out by then, and I’m sure he’ll want you next to him.”
“Of course,” Jim responds automatically. She smiles, a bit warmer this time, though still sad.
“I’m so glad he has you, Jim.”
He ducks his head, willing his cheeks to keep from flushing but failing miserably. “He’s got a lot of friends who would go to bat for him. I’ve just been friends with him for the longest.”
She shakes her head. “I think we both know it goes further than that.” Jim’s eyes shoot up to meet hers, and she squeezes his arm knowingly. “He’ll come around eventually. Hang in there.” Before Jim can ask her anything, her towncar pulls up. “Thank you, Jim. For everything.” She slides into the backseat of the car and he watches the taillights disappear into the night, feeling lost and miserable and a little dumbstruck at the revelation that his secret may not be his best-kept one after all.
When he gets home, Nyota is still awake, curled up on the couch in the sitting room, looking lost. He sits down beside her and she immediately leans into him.
“Jim?” she says softly, her voice wobbling. “This - this -”
And something about the way that she, of all people, is lost for words brings the magnitude of the situation down on him. He feels tears prickle at his own eyes for the first time and he wraps an arm around her shoulders, pressing his head against hers. “I know,” he says. “This sucks.”
**
The thing about hospitals is, when your name is on the hospital ward, they can’t exactly kick you out. Helene puts her foot down and determines that Len will be staying for observation until he absolutely has to leave for the funeral, and his doctors can only meekly agree.
Over the next week, Jim comes to visit Len every day. He says nothing about the fact that he’s skipping school, and Len doesn’t have the heart to point it out, because he really needs him there. He does, however, bring up the subject of his “birthday” party.
“I really don’t think I’ll be able to go, Jim,” he says tiredly.
“Oh, the party’s off,” Jim replies. “I’m not exactly in the mood to celebrate much of anything.”
Len’s grateful for two reasons. One he freely admits to is the fact that he can’t exactly stomach a celebration right now either. The second, one he is more than slightly ashamed of, is that now he won’t have to watch Jim drag a couple of girls into a side room halfway into the night.
Nyota is not so willing to skip school, but every day, at three-thirty on the nose, she and Gaila arrive in his room and perch on the end of his bed until they absolutely have to leave. They bring the boys’ homework and news from the school, and a couple of days, Spock.
Len is released from the hospital the day before the funeral, but as soon as he walks into the entryway of his home, he feels slightly sick. The situation is not remedied by his grandmother’s arrival, who brushes her dry lips across his cheek before immediately heading for the wine. He catches the pained look on his mother’s face and decides against running out the door. He does, however, call Jim, who arrives within ten minutes and whisks Len upstairs so he doesn’t have to keep hearing his grandmother loudly complain about the lack of gin.
The funeral is… awful. There is no other way to describe it. Len can only stare at his lap the entire time, squeezed between his mother and Jim, and Jim has to call his name five times before he realizes it’s time to leave the church. After it’s all over, Len lingers, not wanting to go home and leave Jim’s side. His mother solves this predicament for him by wrapping him in her arms and practically ordering him to go home with Jim and Nyota. Gaila and Spock join them as well, and all five of them troop into Jim’s room. Len falls asleep on Jim’s bed sandwiched between the two girls while Spock leafs through one of Jim’s books and Jim sits lost in his own thoughts.
A week after the funeral, Len’s mother announces that she has to go to London. Len doesn’t even realize that he’s hyperventilating until his mother shouts at him to calm down.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this,” he yells at her. “One problem, one tiny engine error, and you’re going down over the Atlantic.”
“Leonard, I will make sure they double check everything before we take off,” she says soothingly. “I’ll call you the second we touch down. I’ll be fine, trust me.”
Len doesn’t trust her. It’s why he ends up sprawled out on Jim’s bed that night, staring at his phone until his mother’s name flashes across the screen. After that, he just sort of… stays.
**
Having Bones in his home is a mixed bag. On the one hand, Jim and Nyota can keep a better eye on him while he stays in the guest room. On the other hand, Bones is in his house. Using his shower. Wandering into Jim’s room shirtless to inquire about the whereabouts of his uniform jacket. Stretching out on the couch so that his bare feet brush Jim’s leg.
Jim is pretty sure thou shalt not jerk off over your depressed best friend isn't one of the Ten Commandments, but he’s probably going to hell anyway.
He endures it, though, because Bones would do the same for him. And at the end of the day, he hoards those moments that make his mouth go dry in his memory, because he can never really regret being able to touch Bones. That doesn’t stop him from feeling selfish, however.
He says as much to Nyota one Saturday in April while Bones is back with his mother and Spock had to cancel their plans to have dinner with his father. She takes one look at his dejected form and rolls her eyes, commanding: “Get up. We’re going to Bendel’s.”
Nyota browses through the store while Jim follows behind, chatting quietly so as to not be picked up by any eavesdroppers.
“It’s just… really hard sometimes,” he confesses, rubbing a hand over his face. “I mean, I would much prefer him to be with us than to be alone, but-” He searches for the words for a moment, then gives up, shrugging. “It’s hard,” he finishes lamely.
Nyota looks up at him sharply. It’s the first time he’s spoken openly about his feelings for Bones, even though he knows that she’s been aware of them since at least Halloween. “You need to tell him, you know.”
“I can’t,” Jim sags. “I can’t do that to our friendship. God, Nyota, he’s my best friend. He was the closest thing I had to family for years. I can’t risk that, especially when I know that he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“People change, you know,” she points out.
“Bones doesn’t,” Jim laughs. “Trust me, N. I’ll be fine. I’ve kept from telling him for like five years now. I’m used to it.”
She gives him the sad eyes again and slides her arm through his. “You know, Kirk,” she says softly. “You aren’t half bad, you know.”
He grins down at her. “You aren’t so bad yourself, Uhura.”
Sometimes Jim truly can’t believe how amazing his new family is. Sometimes he wonders what he’s done to deserve them. Most of the time he’s just grateful for them.
**
Over the months, Len gradually starts to come to terms with his father’s death. It still catches him off-guard, sometimes, when he thinks of a funny story to tell or a question to ask him about a new medical development, only to realize he can’t. But gradually the pangs that accompany these moments become easier to endure. It’s due in no small part to Jim. Every time he sees a look start to pass over Len’s face, he’s there, talking him through it. He tells stories and relives shared memories, or just listens to Len talk, his blue eyes large and serious. He’s so goddamn perfect that it hurts, and with every day that passes, Len feels himself falling harder and harder for him.
He can’t pinpoint the moment that it became more than a crush, but at the beginning of June, he wakes up to the realization that he’s in love with Jim.
It’s different than when he was in love with Jocelyn. Jocelyn was beautiful and smart and he could hardly believe that she had looked twice at him, much less wanted to date him. His love for Jocelyn was one of disbelief.
Loving Jim, on the other hand, feels like coming home. Jim is just as gorgeous as Jocelyn and he’s even smarter, but Len almost never feels intimidated by this because Jim is always the one who looks like he can hardly believe Len is at his side. And whereas getting to know Jocelyn had been an adventure (right up to the point where he learned she was a cheating bitch, anyway), he and Jim know each other inside and out.
Loving Jim feels like a natural progression, one that was impossible to avoid since he kissed Jim on Halloween. Probably even before that.
This revelation comes with a wave of dread. Nyota had basically told him that Jim had no sexual feelings for him, and even if she hadn’t, it didn’t take a blind man to notice. Jim is certainly a tactile person, to be sure, but his touches aren’t lingering or longing. It’s usually merely a casual arm thrown around his shoulder, or a comforting squeeze of his arm. Even if he was attracted to Len, however, there remained the simple fact that Jim is not the commitment type. He had never dated anyone as far as Len knew, and if the clench of his stomach that accompanied the sight of Jim with a girl is any indication, he would not be happy with anything short of monogamy.
So he keeps silent.
He can’t help but be a little selfish, however, and slide onto the same couch as Jim even when there’s an empty armchair right next to him, or barge into his room without knocking in the hopes of catching a glimpse of bare skin.
He’s probably the worst excuse for a human being he knows.
But when he and Jim start discussing their summer plans, Jim makes ignoring anything impossible. “So I was thinking we could just crash in the Hamptons for a while,” he suggests. “If we get bored we can get a car or something. Drive down to Miami so we can laugh at the orange people and you can watch me get sunburnt.”
He doesn’t suggest a single destination that includes flying. Len realizes that he’s past the point of no return. Something has to be done.
He just has to figure out what.
**
Jim looks up in surprise when Bones barges in. “Hey. I thought you weren’t going to stay here while your mom was in town.”
“Oh, I’m not staying.” Bones looks slightly flustered. “Is Nyota here?”
Jim feels a slight sting as he waves a hand in the direction of her room and Bones goes barreling down the hall, and forces himself not to think about what Bones could possibly tell her that he couldn’t tell Jim.
**
“I’m in love with Jim,” Len blurts out as soon as the door clicks shut. “I need your help.”
To her credit, Nyota keeps her composure for a good five seconds. Then her face breaks into a wide smile and she launches herself out of her bed toward Len. He’s struck, as usual, by how much smaller she is when she’s not wearing towering stilettos.
“Really?” she asks when she pulls away, pressing her hands to her mouth. When he nods, she squeals and hugs him again. She calms down slightly, enough for her to scowl and punch him in the arm. “It took you long enough!”
“Ow,” he complains. “Wait, what?”
She rolls her eyes so hard it must hurt. “You are so slow, Len,” she gripes, sitting back on her bed. “G and I have been trying to get it through your thick skull for months now.”
His jaw drops. “What? You knew? Does everyone know?”
Nyota shrugs. “There haven’t been any mentions of it on Gossip Girl, so I’m going to say no. But of course Gaila and I know, who do you think we are?” She bounces slightly. “Have you told him yet?”
“Uh, no,” he scoffs. She scowls at him again.
“Why not?”
“Let’s see,” he says. “The last time I tried anything with him, he shoved me off and told me to shack up with some whore. I really don’t think he’s interested.”
She immediately assumes her patented I’m talking to an idiot face. “Len. I’m going to try to explain this in small words. Jim has been in love with you. Forever. Like, middle school.”
Something leaps in his chest. It feels a lot like hope. He squashes it quickly. “You’re joking.”
She groans. “God, L, you’re killing me here. Trust me. I live with him. I know.”
“So why hasn’t he said anything?”
She looks a little sad at this. “You’re his best friend, Len. He’d suffer in silence his whole life if it meant he got to keep you in any capacity, even if it was one he wasn’t totally satisfied with.”
Len sits down next to her. “And is he going to be satisfied if he can’t sleep with every girl that comes his way?” he challenges.
“Len, the only reason he hasn’t ever dated anyone is because the only one he was interested in wasn’t interested in him,” she points out. “You haven’t noticed? He hasn’t slept with anyone since March. He only wants to be there for you.”
“So… why did he push me off in October?”
“He wants you for real, Len,” she explains. “Not because you want to blow of steam. He wants you to want him.”
“I do.” The words slip out before he can stop them, and his cheeks burn red. Nyota’s smile returns, full force. “So what do I do?”
“You’d better make it a grand gesture, whatever it is,” she warns. “He deserves as much for waiting around five years for you. My suggestion would be the wedding. And make sure you let him know that you love him. Don’t let him think that you’re just sad over your father or something.”
“Believe me, I won’t,” he says. “God, Nyota, how am I ever going to thank you?”
She grins. “You can let me tell Gaila.”
**
Jim tries to bat Nyota’s hands away from his tie, but they return a second later anyway.
“It’s crooked,” she admonishes. “Stop being such a baby and hold still.”
“No one is going to be looking at me anyway,” he pouts.
“They will be during your toast,” she points out. “You did write one, right?”
He flashes her injured eyes. “Of course I did. I’m not going to just blow something like this off, especially when your dad is the one who asked me to do it.”
Nyota relaxes and even smiles a bit. “Hey,” she tells him. “In about three hours I’m going to be your sister.”
Jim grins at her. “Are you going to vomit?”
“No,” she laughs. “Like I said. You’re not half bad, Kirk.”
“Yeah? Well you’re amazing,” he says.
She rewards him with a warm, beautiful smile and a hug.
**
Len is going to vomit.
He fumbles with his tie for about a minute before his mother intervenes with sympathetic eyes, knotting it efficiently.
“What’s got you so nervous?” she asks, smoothing the fabric down. “You would think it’s your wedding day, not Winona's.”
He opens his mouth to deny everything, but when he looks at her, he knows he’s screwed. His mother did not become one of the most successful businesswomen in the world without developing a finely honed bullshit radar. He couldn’t fool her any more than the president of the United States could.
“I’m in love with Jim,” he blurts out. “Nyota thinks I should tell him today.”
He’s mortified. There’s no other way to describe it. However, rather than looking shocked, his mother just chuckles. “It’s about time. I was afraid you were going to drag it out for months.”
“You-” he gapes. “You knew?”
“Darling,” she admonishes. “I’m your mother. Of course I knew. I knew probably before even you did. Your father was the one who pointed it out to me, for heaven’s sake.”
“And you’re okay with this?” he asks. She looks at him sharply.
“Leonard. If you think I’m one of those mothers who are going to overlook their son’s happiness simply because he’s found it with another boy, you really don’t know me at all.” Her face softens, and she rests a hand on his cheek. “Darling. I had the happiest marriage in Manhattan for twenty years. And I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to find someone who truly cares about you on the Upper East Side. If you can have just a fraction of the joy that I experienced with your father, well, that’s all I can ask for.”
He wants to hug her, but he’s afraid of wrinkling her Valentino. He settles for squeezing her hand. “Thank you, Mom.”
“You’re welcome, Leonard. Go get him.”
**
Jim is pretty sure the day of his mother’s wedding to Zuberi Uhura is going to be the best day of his life.
The early June day is absolutely flawless. Perfect for the outdoor wedding. He and Nyota make their way down the aisle and he takes his place next to his future stepfather, clapping him on the shoulder. When his mother steps into the aisle, even he can’t keep from smiling at her. As they exchange their vows, he and Nyota sneak looks at each other from the corner of their eyes.
He tries hard to keep his eyes off Bones during the toast, but even he looks so happy that Jim keeps glancing back his way as he talks of love and family. When he sits down, the tips of his ears are burning.
He dances once with Nyota before handing her off to Spock, scanning the crowd for Bones so he can sit with his friend and watch the crowd. Instead, a hand grasps his elbow and Bones’ warm breath tickles his ear.
“Wanna get out of here?”
He’s forcibly reminded of the brunch ages ago, when Bones had dragged him into a side room to apologize for kissing him. Jim nods, mute, and Bones guides him out to the hallway and into a small room Jim had been unaware of.
Jim is inexplicably nervous. He lets out a shaky laugh as he collapses on a couch. “Kind of loud in there, huh? I hadn’t noticed until we left.”
Bones takes a seat next to him and grins. “Yeah. Nice wedding, though.”
“Perfect,” Jim agrees. He looks sideways at Bones, who appears to be contemplating him silently. He fidgets under his gaze until he can’t take it anymore, finally demanding: “What?”
Bones blushes slightly and looks down at his lap, picking at an invisible piece of lint on his pants. “Nothing, it’s just… I never thanked you. You know, for all you’ve done for me these past months.”
Jim waves him off. “It’s nothing. Really. You would have done the same for me.”
“That’s not the point,” Bones protests. “I don’t think anyone else could have done that for me. I mean, Nyota and Gaila were sympathetic, but you just knew whenever I started feeling guilty or depressed and you just… fixed me. So… thank you.”
Jim swallows. “You’re welcome, Bones.”
Bones doesn’t appear to be finished, however. Instead, he looks up and focuses on Jim’s face, looking conflicted. Finally, he bursts. “I’m sorry I took advantage of our friendship on Halloween.”
Now Jim is the one blushing. “You already apologized once, you don’t have to do it again,” he mutters.
“No, I apologized for kissing you,” Bones corrects. Jim fails to notice the difference, but Bones seems happy to oblige in explaining. “I’ve realized something since then. I am sorry for taking advantage of you. But I’m not sorry for kissing you.”
Jim’s breath catches in his throat and he looks away, grasping for any distraction. “Um…”
“Jim,” Bones’ soft voice calls, and he is helpless to do anything else but look back. “It was wrong for me to kiss you. But ever since then, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind. So I can’t be sorry for that.” He runs a hand through his hair in slight frustration and laughs. “I’ve been trying to figure out how to say this all day. Trying to find a way to make you understand that I’m serious about this, that this isn’t a mistake on my part.” He shakes his head. “Maybe I should just…” He trails off, staring at Jim, then blurts out “I’m in love with you.”
If Jim’s going to die of asphyxiation, he figures this is as good a time as any. “What?” he manages to squeak.
“I love you,” Bones repeats. “I would have told you sooner, but I’m apparently too stupid to notice. But I mean it, Jim, I mean it more than I’ve ever meant it before. Dammit, Jim, you’re it.” He looks shyly down at his hands. Jim’s pinching himself, and he’s still not waking up, but this is just too good to be real - “I guess the question is now,” Bones finishes, “Is that, if I kiss you this time, will I be taking advantage of our friendship again?”
Screw it. If this is a dream, Jim doesn’t want to wake up. “Not if I kiss you first,” Jim chokes out. Bones looks up, and Jim’s lips are on his in an instant.
He pours five years of unrequited love into the kiss, and Bones responds with equal fervor. For the first time, Jim allows himself to actually believe that Bones wants this as well, wants this even a fraction as much as he does.
Especially when they finally have to break apart to breathe, and Bones sneaks in one last chaste kiss. This simple action breaks Jim’s heart in the best possible way.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” Jim confesses against Bones’ lips. Bones frowns and kisses him again, soft and sweet.
“I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.” He brushes a thumb over Jim’s cheek. “Guess that means I have a lot more apologizing to do, huh?”
“Oh, I’m sure we can work something out,” Jim laughs, and Bones grins back. Beautiful. And for the first time, all his. He can’t resist kissing it. Finally, he manages to tear himself away with a groan. “As much as I would love for you to get started right here and now, we should probably head back to the reception,” he admits reluctantly. “It would not be hot if my mom had to come and drag us out.” Bones makes a grudging sound of agreement, and Jim kisses him again. “Hey,” he says, low and suggestive. “The newlyweds are leaving right after the reception. Nyota’s going over to Spock’s since his dad’s out of town. What do you say to starting that apologizing tonight?”
“I’d say you’re a goddamned genius, Jim Kirk,” Bones says. “But you’d better get off me right now, otherwise I’m not going to be able to stop myself.”
Jim forces himself into an upright position, then stands and straightens his tux. He sees Bones do the same out of the corner of his eye, and his heart stutters. For the first time, it’s not painful when it does.
“Hey,” Jim stops him before he can leave. “I just want you to know. I love you, too.”
Bones smiles, bright and blinding, and Jim can only return it. Bones swoops in and kisses him one last time before they walk back into the reception hall together.
It’s the best day of Jim’s life.