(no subject)
after 2 hours of crying, a shower (i'm SO clean these days) and 4 ativans later, i'm finally calm and peaceful. we've run out of stillnox which is prolly good.
maybe i should go see a doctor and ask for some anxiety things. or something. anything to make me be half human. i was in the shower crying and chanting the same pathetic "not agains" i used to chant when i was 20. i don't have a doctor and most random doctors aren't dying to prescribe drugs to patients they've never seen before. i could go back to whatever lady i saw years ago in croydon to ask about the cervical cancer vaccine. she told me my high blood pressure was too high and i should stop drinking. she asked when she was taking my blood pressrue when the last time i drank was. i said a few days ago (aka before i walked into her office for some dutch courage of course lol). i could go back to her and tell her that i successfully quit drinking, took up sprinkling instead, and am now taking a sabatical from that too (20kgs seems like such a long way away considering i've lost like 200g of liquid so far lol) and those razors in the shower are looking shiner each time i shower lol
i cracked tonight and called hella cos abs is bloody thailand (hmmm) and as usual hella jumped on it. then i cancelled cos kim told me she's disappointed in me. how dare people be disappointed lol.
my new form of therapy is being bitchy to random people who post on various lesbian groups i'm a member of. excellent therapy lol
i have this annoying 'friend' on facebook who makes me want to send her a packet of burning poo to her doorstep. she was a very close friend when i was growing up in that communist country in europe (so close she stole my best friend at the time and then we became a threesome and you know what they say about threesomes lol). she has since moved to la, is engaged to some dude in la who does something to do with some movies and now all she does is put sickening updates. she can't just say she went to a cool restaurnt, she has to put a link to the bloody thing.
Her last update said "lana likic lives in paradise".
it's america - how paradisic can it be?
yes, other people's happiness does not at all make me bitter at times like this.
ah good. Dudes has finished humping Whity McSnow and he is finally ready to come and snuggle me. puppy snuggles cannot replace sprinkles or 4 ativan but they keep me going. Dudles has even taken on some of my habits. he gags and chokes and half chucks after drinking water. i think it goes down the wrong way lol.
anyway. i'll go guilt (ask) kim into taking me to the scary doctor person so that hte scary doctor person can do something to stop this insanity. i am sure that she won't point out that when she tried to take me to scary pap smear doctors, we gave up after i made us run away from all three just before it was time to walk into the room lol hey i still get my periods and apparently lesbians who don't use toys or too many fingers are at less risk of cervical cancer because most cervical cancer is caused by penetration or something. so i've only got ovarian to worry about and i'm sure i'll be right. so no need for a pap smear :))))))))
in my defence one of the doctros i made us run away from was an OLD toothless indian doctor. i think she was the original medicine woman lol
interestingly since i stopped drinking i've also stopped bleeding between periods lol