I think someone turned the light off.
I never thought there would ever come a day when I'd miss my dad so much that thinking of it would bring tears to my eyes. I was always that girl growing up who, when faced with that dreaded word "No" would think "Okay, I'll just ask Daddy." Now I can't believe that I haven't seen him in a year, and the most I can get out of him on the phone is "Okay, bye." Mom says he'll come around, that he loves me...but I feel as if I've already waited too long. Life is too short to waste on grudges and being angry. How much can I stress that to my friends? It's so easy to say you hate your parents because of all the terrible things they say and do to you growing up. I am guilty of hating my mom, I am guilty of blaming my dad for things beyond their control. I gave them as hard a time as they ever gave me, and now I find myself lying awake at night thinking of ways to scramble into their good graces and missing them like hell.
The thing of it is, I don't just get to miss my dad. I also get to miss my sisters. Sure, I've got a plethora, I mean, I've got five of them. But I haven't seen three in over a year now, too. The youngest is nine. Do you know how much you miss in the life if a nine year old when you don't see her in a year? One started college. I still have her high school graduation card in my car. The other I see struggle with her relationship with her mom and she so reminds me of myself. Half the time I want to rescue her, because I know the pain. The other half, I see my own relationship with my mom and I know mine got better, so I cross my fingers that hers does, too. Mostly, I encourage the hatred she gives to her mother because I am so mad at her, myself. I feel as if she affected my relationship with my dad, and as hard as I work to tear down the wall she built between him and I, she is mixing mortar to build it up again. My rational mind says it is not true, but how often is a 21 year old girl rational?
I wish I had things to give them to make them proud of me as I am of them. I see them and who they have become and it makes me smile and ache with jealousy. They have become, and are still becoming, beautiful people with blindingly bright futures and intelligence beyond measure. I am so proud of all three of them, and I wish that they had reasons to be proud of me, too. So, this is my life: crying at 4am while writing about how much I miss the family I was so dead-set against when they first came into my life. But I've grown with them, laughed with them, and loved with them. I can't imagine my life without them.
I've been trying to find my way back into your lives, but I'm lost, and I think someone turned the light off. I've been too scared to face my dad and his wife, and I fear if I wait much longer, you will all forget my face and never know how much I love you, appreciate you, and I can't stress enough how proud I am of you.
I know I will see you again soon. Please keep taking care of my Daddy. I love him as much as you do. (And I know I've got to share.)
Love, Whether you like it or not,
Your sister.
The thing of it is, I don't just get to miss my dad. I also get to miss my sisters. Sure, I've got a plethora, I mean, I've got five of them. But I haven't seen three in over a year now, too. The youngest is nine. Do you know how much you miss in the life if a nine year old when you don't see her in a year? One started college. I still have her high school graduation card in my car. The other I see struggle with her relationship with her mom and she so reminds me of myself. Half the time I want to rescue her, because I know the pain. The other half, I see my own relationship with my mom and I know mine got better, so I cross my fingers that hers does, too. Mostly, I encourage the hatred she gives to her mother because I am so mad at her, myself. I feel as if she affected my relationship with my dad, and as hard as I work to tear down the wall she built between him and I, she is mixing mortar to build it up again. My rational mind says it is not true, but how often is a 21 year old girl rational?
I wish I had things to give them to make them proud of me as I am of them. I see them and who they have become and it makes me smile and ache with jealousy. They have become, and are still becoming, beautiful people with blindingly bright futures and intelligence beyond measure. I am so proud of all three of them, and I wish that they had reasons to be proud of me, too. So, this is my life: crying at 4am while writing about how much I miss the family I was so dead-set against when they first came into my life. But I've grown with them, laughed with them, and loved with them. I can't imagine my life without them.
I've been trying to find my way back into your lives, but I'm lost, and I think someone turned the light off. I've been too scared to face my dad and his wife, and I fear if I wait much longer, you will all forget my face and never know how much I love you, appreciate you, and I can't stress enough how proud I am of you.
I know I will see you again soon. Please keep taking care of my Daddy. I love him as much as you do. (And I know I've got to share.)
Love, Whether you like it or not,
Your sister.