(no subject)
Of course, there are things in life we do not want to deal with. And obviously we must compromise in order to make the best of our situations. Sometimes, I just don't want to compromise. Usually, I just want my way. More often than not, it doesn't happen like that. More often than not, I am trying to stand my ground in a baseless argument and wondering when the hell I will stop clamoring for reasons to hang on, and just let go.
Life is so strange in this way. I hate how windows and doors open so easily, it's green grass for miles until you finally realize it only looks green from the reflection of the grass on the other side of the fence. I have been taken to my wits end and back again, and I just don't know what to do. Letting go is certainly not my first choice--but seems a great deal better scenario than letting myself be a pawn in someone elses game; it is too often selfish, too often does it have nothing to do with my agenda and everything with theirs.
As I said before, compromise is key, and it works two ways. I have made a lot of compromises and I feel like some people never do. Or they make compromises that I certainly am not asking them to make, and holding that against me. I really truly feel as though I am not asking for much. I never straight out say "Listen, this is what I want. Give it to me." As much as that would probably help, I fear my mind would too easily change. I'm so flexible with everything. I don't want to set times and dates and limits for myself. I want to be able to go with the flow and wherever the day takes me, I want to follow it. I have no idea how long it is going to take me, or if I will ever be the kind of person who can say "I'm doing this at this time for this long, and when I am done I'm going to do this for this long." If I have a loose plan, it works for me because then I don't get upset when things don't go my way; I just know that I am going to get the things I need to get done, done.
I have realized over the last few months how much I've changed...grown up? I'm a completely different person. I actually care about what I look like and what my house looks like, and not so much about the clothes I wear or the car I drive or making sure the things I have are better than other peoples' things. I just want to know that I have the essentials and that I am taking care of my responsibilities and I'm going to try my damnedest to own up to every commitment I make, especially financially.
I have become so sick of those who do not--but not cannot--communicate. We all have voices, we all have feelings, we all have opinions. Nothing is going to change if you use your voice after the fact, after everything has changed. But we also must remember that just because you believe so staunchly in your opinion doesn't mean I do, too. Opinions are like assholes and everybody has one. Of course, assholes are not equal opportunity.
I am very much so my own person. I want very very very badly to not be tied down. That doesn't mean in the least that I don't want to be in a relationship. I love Kelly and our relationship is ideal in many ways. But, I don't want to be tied down by outrageous commitments or questionable "promises". I don't want to be framed into time slots and get 'in trouble' when I go out of bounds or run over or fall short. I just want to be. If I don't know what I'm doing tonight, I don't want to feel bad or feel as if I am getting punished by the way I am consequently treated. I want to be independent. I want to have consequences set by myself, not by others. I don't want to feel bad for not wanting to be boxed in...
Part of me wants to just scream and cry. Part of me wants to just rip all my hair out and throw a fit because I'm so frustrated. Part of me wants to give up on everything I'm doing right now and just quit...but I know in the end I will reap a true reward.
h.
Life is so strange in this way. I hate how windows and doors open so easily, it's green grass for miles until you finally realize it only looks green from the reflection of the grass on the other side of the fence. I have been taken to my wits end and back again, and I just don't know what to do. Letting go is certainly not my first choice--but seems a great deal better scenario than letting myself be a pawn in someone elses game; it is too often selfish, too often does it have nothing to do with my agenda and everything with theirs.
As I said before, compromise is key, and it works two ways. I have made a lot of compromises and I feel like some people never do. Or they make compromises that I certainly am not asking them to make, and holding that against me. I really truly feel as though I am not asking for much. I never straight out say "Listen, this is what I want. Give it to me." As much as that would probably help, I fear my mind would too easily change. I'm so flexible with everything. I don't want to set times and dates and limits for myself. I want to be able to go with the flow and wherever the day takes me, I want to follow it. I have no idea how long it is going to take me, or if I will ever be the kind of person who can say "I'm doing this at this time for this long, and when I am done I'm going to do this for this long." If I have a loose plan, it works for me because then I don't get upset when things don't go my way; I just know that I am going to get the things I need to get done, done.
I have realized over the last few months how much I've changed...grown up? I'm a completely different person. I actually care about what I look like and what my house looks like, and not so much about the clothes I wear or the car I drive or making sure the things I have are better than other peoples' things. I just want to know that I have the essentials and that I am taking care of my responsibilities and I'm going to try my damnedest to own up to every commitment I make, especially financially.
I have become so sick of those who do not--but not cannot--communicate. We all have voices, we all have feelings, we all have opinions. Nothing is going to change if you use your voice after the fact, after everything has changed. But we also must remember that just because you believe so staunchly in your opinion doesn't mean I do, too. Opinions are like assholes and everybody has one. Of course, assholes are not equal opportunity.
I am very much so my own person. I want very very very badly to not be tied down. That doesn't mean in the least that I don't want to be in a relationship. I love Kelly and our relationship is ideal in many ways. But, I don't want to be tied down by outrageous commitments or questionable "promises". I don't want to be framed into time slots and get 'in trouble' when I go out of bounds or run over or fall short. I just want to be. If I don't know what I'm doing tonight, I don't want to feel bad or feel as if I am getting punished by the way I am consequently treated. I want to be independent. I want to have consequences set by myself, not by others. I don't want to feel bad for not wanting to be boxed in...
Part of me wants to just scream and cry. Part of me wants to just rip all my hair out and throw a fit because I'm so frustrated. Part of me wants to give up on everything I'm doing right now and just quit...but I know in the end I will reap a true reward.
h.