so tired of shit....
so i forgot to tell my lady that i bought a pack of cigs this afternoon, and told her almost an hour ago...now we have to deposit money...big fucking deal...the last thing i heard was there was 10 dollars available...and i also wasn't told that cigarettes would cost 10$ (and they don't)...so what's the big deal? You don't keep me updated every five minutes as to how much money is in the account, blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyway, I'm really tired and want to go to bed...but she's making dinner and i think she'd take it the wrong way, plus we haven't said a damn word to eachother in an hour.
I'm tired of keeping up a fucking "front", trying to hide my fucking goddamned stupid idiotic good-for nothing breasts!!!! they are a waste of skin and nerves that could've been used to build/grow a penis!!!! stuck stuck stuck, that's all i am. working only to pay my fucking bills and save not a god damned thing!! I want to fix up my car a bit and sell it for 7,000$, viola! surgery money...but she doesn't see the point in it because what i put into the car i could set aside for surgery...but it would take me a hell of a lot longer!!!!!!!!!!!!! why can't you see that? it's all about NOW!!! and how soon i can gather money!!!! i'm in a race against time and my fucking kidneys! this is so infuriating. i wish fight club really exsisted, so i could beat the shit out of people!!!! i would like to know what it's like to be happy in my skin for awhile before dealing with death and quite possibly needing a kidney transplant before the age of 30, if i make it that far.
i want to cry. i want to cry so hard and long that it all goes away. and my bloodied fists are all that's left. (ok my desk keeps vibrating, it's weird)---ok just saw the cat up there on the monitor...heart slowing down now. ok, yeah crying; yet for some reason i'm unable to cry, so be it. i can live with that i suppose. why is my life flashing before my eyes and i'm only 22 years old? i don't really think i'm being a drama queen about this, but this is some of what it feels like. i keep trying to look at it in some kind of positive light, but i don't fucking see one.
i've had it with this damn body, this damn job, AND this fucking place!!!! Goddamned stupid little town, filled with bible beaters and fag haters!!! I just need to burst out of it all!!!! ARGH! trapped...
trapped in my skin
trapped in my job
trapped in this city
trapped by money....
fuck this...........................................
anyway, I'm really tired and want to go to bed...but she's making dinner and i think she'd take it the wrong way, plus we haven't said a damn word to eachother in an hour.
I'm tired of keeping up a fucking "front", trying to hide my fucking goddamned stupid idiotic good-for nothing breasts!!!! they are a waste of skin and nerves that could've been used to build/grow a penis!!!! stuck stuck stuck, that's all i am. working only to pay my fucking bills and save not a god damned thing!! I want to fix up my car a bit and sell it for 7,000$, viola! surgery money...but she doesn't see the point in it because what i put into the car i could set aside for surgery...but it would take me a hell of a lot longer!!!!!!!!!!!!! why can't you see that? it's all about NOW!!! and how soon i can gather money!!!! i'm in a race against time and my fucking kidneys! this is so infuriating. i wish fight club really exsisted, so i could beat the shit out of people!!!! i would like to know what it's like to be happy in my skin for awhile before dealing with death and quite possibly needing a kidney transplant before the age of 30, if i make it that far.
i want to cry. i want to cry so hard and long that it all goes away. and my bloodied fists are all that's left. (ok my desk keeps vibrating, it's weird)---ok just saw the cat up there on the monitor...heart slowing down now. ok, yeah crying; yet for some reason i'm unable to cry, so be it. i can live with that i suppose. why is my life flashing before my eyes and i'm only 22 years old? i don't really think i'm being a drama queen about this, but this is some of what it feels like. i keep trying to look at it in some kind of positive light, but i don't fucking see one.
i've had it with this damn body, this damn job, AND this fucking place!!!! Goddamned stupid little town, filled with bible beaters and fag haters!!! I just need to burst out of it all!!!! ARGH! trapped...
trapped in my skin
trapped in my job
trapped in this city
trapped by money....
fuck this...........................................