Conforming to a corrosive society, and the end be it all
So today, I went out job hunting. I got an interview tomorrow, not sure if I'll go or not because my mom is telling me not to get into it. I don't know. I really want to get a job with Discount Tire Co. I mean badly too, I've wanted a job there for so long now. I just don't wanna blow off this interview because it is a job and it is pretty much a given to me, but I do wanna wait and see if I can get in with Discount, but I'm scared that if I do that, then get fucked over, a whole bunch of shit will go down and won't be able to find a job. In a much more happier subject, I found out that I get to spend a whole week in California with Breanne. Honestly, I can't picture a better vacation than that. She loves this place so much and the people there too. I feel that this will be a good learning expierience to see even deeper into what helped to create and piece together the love of my life. I also really enjoy nature and things of that sort. The way she talks about this place is amazing. She is so enthusiastic about it. And for once I actually get excited with her and I don't act like such a dullard or "downer" because the way she talks about it, I can just picture everything in my mind and I really want to see if my imagination could have come anywhere close to what this place is really like. Ugh, being on the subject of dullness, once again I felt like an ass. I simply just wish I could be in modes like Breanne gets into. She gets hyper at times, and there is nothing wrong with that, it's just that it never happens when I get hyper. Well, it did once, at my house, in the living room. I just felt bad today because she was in a hyper mood and I had a migraine. So her excitement brought me to a point of aggitation/irritation and I just wanted to punch myself in the balls because I was being so mean. And even more upsetting, I got to see from the outside how much of a prick I am and how stubborn I can be. I took everything so literally today and I don't know why. I also was such an asshole at Breannes house. I shouldn't be writing this stuff in this journal, it should be in my new private one, but screw it...Maybe it'll help if people can read how I feel and why I act the way I act when certain situations are presented to me. Even the most harmless of situations can cause an extreme shift in my patterns and behavior. Like today for instance, my racial mode kicked in overdrive and I went crazy and "negative" as one may call it. I know that I have nothing to be worried about but it's not you I'm worried about. I worry about what other people could do. I also judge people straight off the bat and once they do something fucked up to me thats it, no respect. This "Matza-ball" as I like to call him has shifted into becoming one of these individuals. He's a fairly simple creature. Thin, hairy, ugly arab fellow. Measure of happiness or enjoyment of his life can only be attributed to what type of narcotic he is using. Tries to get others involved in his stupid adolescent acts of delinquency. Oh how I wish I could have found Officer Katzaroff when "Matza-ball" ran off to the bathroom in the 7000 building to take pain killers into his system. How sweet that would have been to witness this small, insignificant piece of human waste being put into hand-cuffs and off to a detox tank for a couple of hours. Knowing that I helped to ruin this person's schemes and by eliminating him from people that I know, further preventing corruption of people that I care about. But yes, you can tell that I have a total lack of respect for this individual in the slightest. Perhaps I acted the way I did today because I feel that someone I care about could become influenced by this individual. But I know you're stronger than that. I just felt an instant threat shoot from the pit of my stomach, a threat I don't understand. "He was nice to me" perhaps that set me off. These twisted people are all one in the same, I was once one of them. Except my blood was never that dirty or sandy...lol...Bad joke, oh well, if you are arab, I'm sorry, please don't crash a plane into my computer because of that joke...Just sit back and tend to your sheep and turbans...Anyways, then I got set off by being called "Evil" something that my sister called me earlier. Should I have taken this comment seriously, no, but I did. I am glad I forced myself to stay, because I know you love me and won't do anything to complicate what we have together. Eh, this is getting long, I'm gonna end it here...