(no subject)
where to begin? oiy!
i had a flashback today, believe it or not, about the night i returned from my time away from home. the long, cold ride here from her mothers house. I had been thinking about it much lately. not the ride, but my time with Jennifer in general. I begun to think about it all....and while i could recall memories...i didnt remember feelings. and as far as i have been able to think back...i still dont remember what i felt. and now...i feel nothing. i dont know why i married jennifer...i dont know why i even stayed with her. Its quite curious actually. memories is all i have....but again, i dont know what those memories meant at the time, or even what they mean now.
She dropped the charges....it both confused me, and upset me. Yeah it confused me because she says that she wants to end it all, so she dropped the charges.....but why put them on me in the first place? retribution perhaps? perhaps. but why not prosecute? after that it would be over no? why not?
it upset me because i would have loved to fight that in court. to have destroyed her. i had a lawyer, a witness, and a LTJG in the navy at my side. plus the facts. the facts of me not doing anything.
I want my faceplate back. i want the money spent on baltops back. i want my things back. i want my time back. unfortunately i cant get some of those things back. so i took. what may or may have not been rightfully mine. but....i am too kind. i am too forgiving. i intend on giving it back. some may call me stupid. some may call me foolish. i say it is just the fact of me not remembering what it was all about. WHY? what started this? scott? money? love? does SHE even know? because i dont.
I say on the internet to the whole entire world now. I am in complete love with someone. I have them at my side as i write this now. its as though Jennifer never existed (aside from court, and no faceplate.) And you know....there are no boxes to be opened, no flowers and puppies. no joining bank accounts. basically no bullshit. and its fantastic. and THATS how its been so easy to get over all of this. THAT how its been so easy to forget. Because it all meant nothing. and its fucked up. its fucked up that it all meant nothing. was it worthless? no. the good lord gave me something from this. he gave me many things from this. and for that i am eternally grateful.
I want the divorce. why? to get every shred of her away from me. yeah i lose BAH. BUT I GAIN SO MUCH MORE.
I want my faceplate back. i want the fact i have never been married before back. i want my money back, and my dignity most of all......imagine explaining that to other people, what happened. imagine. i want a clean slate.....but....without jennifer, i wouldnt be in the position i am currently in.
Money.
A car.
NEW Friends.
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FAMILY.
My LOVE.
then again
LEGAL TROUBLE,
MISSING THINGS,
MISSING MONEY,
Missing OLD friends.....the worst of all....
Jennifer....you backed down in your time of power....and while i still do not fully trust you.... I offer you a truce...i know we have done this before...MONTHS ago when this all started in Fazoli's....
Give me my faceplate back...and bring me the power of attorney, and i dont care if your fucking father AND mother bring me the divorce paperwork...i dont care if Joe and Pickle bring me the paperwork....i will sign it. i wont cause trouble....i will just sign it.
I believed in you once.....make it twice.
i had a flashback today, believe it or not, about the night i returned from my time away from home. the long, cold ride here from her mothers house. I had been thinking about it much lately. not the ride, but my time with Jennifer in general. I begun to think about it all....and while i could recall memories...i didnt remember feelings. and as far as i have been able to think back...i still dont remember what i felt. and now...i feel nothing. i dont know why i married jennifer...i dont know why i even stayed with her. Its quite curious actually. memories is all i have....but again, i dont know what those memories meant at the time, or even what they mean now.
She dropped the charges....it both confused me, and upset me. Yeah it confused me because she says that she wants to end it all, so she dropped the charges.....but why put them on me in the first place? retribution perhaps? perhaps. but why not prosecute? after that it would be over no? why not?
it upset me because i would have loved to fight that in court. to have destroyed her. i had a lawyer, a witness, and a LTJG in the navy at my side. plus the facts. the facts of me not doing anything.
I want my faceplate back. i want the money spent on baltops back. i want my things back. i want my time back. unfortunately i cant get some of those things back. so i took. what may or may have not been rightfully mine. but....i am too kind. i am too forgiving. i intend on giving it back. some may call me stupid. some may call me foolish. i say it is just the fact of me not remembering what it was all about. WHY? what started this? scott? money? love? does SHE even know? because i dont.
I say on the internet to the whole entire world now. I am in complete love with someone. I have them at my side as i write this now. its as though Jennifer never existed (aside from court, and no faceplate.) And you know....there are no boxes to be opened, no flowers and puppies. no joining bank accounts. basically no bullshit. and its fantastic. and THATS how its been so easy to get over all of this. THAT how its been so easy to forget. Because it all meant nothing. and its fucked up. its fucked up that it all meant nothing. was it worthless? no. the good lord gave me something from this. he gave me many things from this. and for that i am eternally grateful.
I want the divorce. why? to get every shred of her away from me. yeah i lose BAH. BUT I GAIN SO MUCH MORE.
I want my faceplate back. i want the fact i have never been married before back. i want my money back, and my dignity most of all......imagine explaining that to other people, what happened. imagine. i want a clean slate.....but....without jennifer, i wouldnt be in the position i am currently in.
Money.
A car.
NEW Friends.
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FAMILY.
My LOVE.
then again
LEGAL TROUBLE,
MISSING THINGS,
MISSING MONEY,
Missing OLD friends.....the worst of all....
Jennifer....you backed down in your time of power....and while i still do not fully trust you.... I offer you a truce...i know we have done this before...MONTHS ago when this all started in Fazoli's....
Give me my faceplate back...and bring me the power of attorney, and i dont care if your fucking father AND mother bring me the divorce paperwork...i dont care if Joe and Pickle bring me the paperwork....i will sign it. i wont cause trouble....i will just sign it.
I believed in you once.....make it twice.