traipse: one.more.time
[This isn't how i meant for it to come out. i wanted to write out all the shite in my head but i just..can't get it down liek i want. This will do for now. Appease the ghosts. Maybe i'll rewrite later but for now this will do.]
'Always just coming in here,
starts the game'
He couldn't stop shaking. The 'negotiations' had started a while ago, in another room. Here in the bedroom he had been fighting down the panic for whoknewhowlong now. The vodka helped drive down the inner chaos, the drugs helped calm him, but he couldn't stop shaking.
This game had started before his arrival; in spite of his urge to flee, he wouldn't be allowed to leave until it was finished.
'each time it happens it's
always the same'
He hated this. This feeling of helplessness, this fear. This lack of control. Yet he had given up control long ago.
Here he sat now, in the corner of a bedroom, awaiting the arrival of his Lover. Awaiting instructions. Waiting to take part in soemthing he didn't want but felt he couldn't escape.
'And all I see it burned my eyes
burning all inside'
'Blind me to this. Blind me to this.'
His unspoken mantra.
'caught in the corners of my mind
beginning over one more time
taking me over (taking all that’s mine)
one more time.'
The boi raised his eyes to the door as it opened. The blonde Adonis that was his Lover stood in the doorway for a moment, eyes searching the room for him. The blue gaze fell on him and the Adonis approached.
The Man knelt before him to study him in silence.
"Why are you shaking? You're afraid?"
He didn't answer. He couldn't answer. He could only stare at the floor in miserable silence.
"You don't want to do it?"
He shook his head no but he still couldn't meet the blue gaze.
"Don't be afraid," hands touched his hair, his face, "You'll do fine, baby. Two hundred an hour is a lot to pass up. He's a good friend and a nice guy. He's not liek H----.."
Lips brushed his ear, "I'll make it worth it. Do this for me and I'll make it worth it."
'Always this teasing
sometimes I lose faith
where is my strength to hold on?'
A short while later, the boi entered the living room where his Lover and his Lover's friend waited. He had found false courage in the form of ecstacy and vodka. His resolve shook a bit as he crossed the room to join his Lover, but he forced himself to be the perfect slaveboi and meet his Lover's expectations.
He raised his eyes a bit as his Master re-introduced he and the Man whom had just 'purchased' him for the next twelve hours. The Man was staring at him; he dropped his eyes again.
His resolve shook again but he refused to let it slip. He fought back the fear as his Lover brushed a hand down his back, pulled him close for a long kiss, then gave him into the possession of a Man he didn't really know.
'Falling through this space in time
buried in this hurt of mine'
A while later and he found himself alone in a bedroom with a near-stranger. Unliek the last 'friend' he had been sold to, this Man didn't speak a lot, except to give an instruction now and then. He communicated with his eyes and with his touch. The Man was surprisingly gentle with him. He was dominant and aggressive and rough, yet at the same time he wasn't harsh.
This wasn't where he wanted to be, yet as the night wore on he found that he felt safer with this stranger than with his Lover. Words he would never speak, but he couldn't fight back the thoughts or the pain that came with it.
'falling slowly like a dream
falling through a world unseen'
After the games and the sex, he found himself lying in the bed with the Man he didn't know. The Man held him close, spoke every now and then but mostly held him. Soft words and softer touches, and he found himself letting go. The tension, the inner chaos. When the Man instructed gently that he should sleep, he did.
It was the first time in months he had fallen asleep without shaking.
'why can I not break this spell?
I'm in darkness, is this hell?
falling towards this hole I see
this is how it has to be.'
Twelve hours later, the Man thanked him (he wasn't certain why), kissed him goodbye (with his Lover's permission), and was gone.
It was strange how, half a day before, he wanted to be anywhere but with the stranger. Yet now he wanted to walk out the door with Him.
^v^
lyrics: korn 'one more time'
'Always just coming in here,
starts the game'
He couldn't stop shaking. The 'negotiations' had started a while ago, in another room. Here in the bedroom he had been fighting down the panic for whoknewhowlong now. The vodka helped drive down the inner chaos, the drugs helped calm him, but he couldn't stop shaking.
This game had started before his arrival; in spite of his urge to flee, he wouldn't be allowed to leave until it was finished.
'each time it happens it's
always the same'
He hated this. This feeling of helplessness, this fear. This lack of control. Yet he had given up control long ago.
Here he sat now, in the corner of a bedroom, awaiting the arrival of his Lover. Awaiting instructions. Waiting to take part in soemthing he didn't want but felt he couldn't escape.
'And all I see it burned my eyes
burning all inside'
'Blind me to this. Blind me to this.'
His unspoken mantra.
'caught in the corners of my mind
beginning over one more time
taking me over (taking all that’s mine)
one more time.'
The boi raised his eyes to the door as it opened. The blonde Adonis that was his Lover stood in the doorway for a moment, eyes searching the room for him. The blue gaze fell on him and the Adonis approached.
The Man knelt before him to study him in silence.
"Why are you shaking? You're afraid?"
He didn't answer. He couldn't answer. He could only stare at the floor in miserable silence.
"You don't want to do it?"
He shook his head no but he still couldn't meet the blue gaze.
"Don't be afraid," hands touched his hair, his face, "You'll do fine, baby. Two hundred an hour is a lot to pass up. He's a good friend and a nice guy. He's not liek H----.."
Lips brushed his ear, "I'll make it worth it. Do this for me and I'll make it worth it."
'Always this teasing
sometimes I lose faith
where is my strength to hold on?'
A short while later, the boi entered the living room where his Lover and his Lover's friend waited. He had found false courage in the form of ecstacy and vodka. His resolve shook a bit as he crossed the room to join his Lover, but he forced himself to be the perfect slaveboi and meet his Lover's expectations.
He raised his eyes a bit as his Master re-introduced he and the Man whom had just 'purchased' him for the next twelve hours. The Man was staring at him; he dropped his eyes again.
His resolve shook again but he refused to let it slip. He fought back the fear as his Lover brushed a hand down his back, pulled him close for a long kiss, then gave him into the possession of a Man he didn't really know.
'Falling through this space in time
buried in this hurt of mine'
A while later and he found himself alone in a bedroom with a near-stranger. Unliek the last 'friend' he had been sold to, this Man didn't speak a lot, except to give an instruction now and then. He communicated with his eyes and with his touch. The Man was surprisingly gentle with him. He was dominant and aggressive and rough, yet at the same time he wasn't harsh.
This wasn't where he wanted to be, yet as the night wore on he found that he felt safer with this stranger than with his Lover. Words he would never speak, but he couldn't fight back the thoughts or the pain that came with it.
'falling slowly like a dream
falling through a world unseen'
After the games and the sex, he found himself lying in the bed with the Man he didn't know. The Man held him close, spoke every now and then but mostly held him. Soft words and softer touches, and he found himself letting go. The tension, the inner chaos. When the Man instructed gently that he should sleep, he did.
It was the first time in months he had fallen asleep without shaking.
'why can I not break this spell?
I'm in darkness, is this hell?
falling towards this hole I see
this is how it has to be.'
Twelve hours later, the Man thanked him (he wasn't certain why), kissed him goodbye (with his Lover's permission), and was gone.
It was strange how, half a day before, he wanted to be anywhere but with the stranger. Yet now he wanted to walk out the door with Him.
^v^
lyrics: korn 'one more time'