this darkness.
[Dark & triggering, i'm sure.]
[Too many thoughts, too many thoughts.]
Pain in my head, in my veins. i know tisn't real; phantom pain, ghost pain. Shards of memory and past abuses. Shaking, this thing inside my head clawing to be recognized. Suppress the past, ghost. Trace thought with silence. Attempts to subdue these haunts with distraction, yet the images remain.
Blow after phucking blow and you broke me, didn't you. Why didn't you just phucking break me. Why won't you leave me be. i accept what was done, i've come to terms with your cruelty. Why won't you leave my thoughts silent, and blank. Erase these memories inside my head. i don't want to see it again. Nights of attempts to sleep, only to find you haunting my dreams. Cruel, and intimidating, and hurtful. your rare moments of compassion was enough to phucking break me. Such haunts you created. Such ghosts.
i am what you made of me but 'twasn't enough. 'Twasn't enough to satisfy, so you took and took and phucking stole everything. Everything. Identity, will, confidence. Shattered, broken, scattered. Liek shadows spotted by sunlight. Scarred inside by your 'disciplin'. Punished for sins i didn't realize, didn't know existed.
Why can't i stop remembering. why can't i stop writing about it. why doesn't it leave me in peace?
How lost i were. How confused and shaken. Such a phucked up sense of loyalty, such fear, to leave those things unspoken. Pain, and pain, and pain, when i made attempts at defiance.
Spent by defiance.
i get lost inside my head, soemtimes. & there you are, in the corners. in the shadows of my mind. haunting, haunting. Your cruelty. why why why. The answers are false, sugar coated.
Too close to adoration. how i phucking admired you. how i phucking wanted to be you, for so long. until your cruelty shone through, to shadow me liek darkness. how you phucking hurt me.
why does this still phucking hurt. why does my heart still phucking crack, break, |shatter|, when i think on it. you were everything. you were all i had. then i had nothing. only pain, only dark. only regret that they had died instead of me, that they were gone and i were to remain.
why does it still hurt so phucking much. damn you to every imaginable hell, you were all i phucking had. & i was nothing to you. nothing. i was your punching bag. your amusement. sex and pain. nothing more.
i loved you too much.
i didn't hate you enough.
ghosts in the light, and the dark to save me.
^v^
such ghosts are these