(no subject)
Im out of sensible words for writing. I cant sleep, and for lack of better words I really do not care. I have two months left. Ill miss my mom, regardless of what she thinks. Ill feel better when I come back a man to prove to her and my dad that I can do what I want to do without fucking everything up like i usually do. Theres always the nagging possibility or probability in the back of my head dangling like a sack of bricks that I might just fail. Sometimes I'm afraid that it's getting worse. How do I explain to them some of the things that happen at nighttime without scaring them out of letting me go to the other side of the coast? Its nearly impossible to put this down on paper. Its also impossible for them to realize that regardless of my state of mind, whatever the time or severity of whatevers going on, I am going to go. It may not be where I want to go or where I am going right now, but I will be leaving with this broken head. Im praying really hard that Ill find someone to replace Emily wherever it is, because no matter what I do while I'm up here she's always one step ahead of everyone else. I can't get her out of my head and I don't know if I will ever be able to, but I have to see her one more time before I leave. I don't know why, but I will not leave until I do, even if I have to walk. Sometimes this keyboard gets too big for my hands, but I'm too out of it to write. It's impossible to close my eyes. The foundation of the earth itself collapses and I sink into the mud behind our house. I set myself on fire and the rain puts me out. There are no voices except for the dozen me's inside my head directing every motion. Sometimes I am the biggest asshole on the planet, and thats just one of them speaking for me. It seems like lately, the one that feels like its really me is getting the least amount of playing time. "I" sit on the sideline and watch myself lose a winning game every minute. Every night is like a seperate day for me, or a seperate universe. A tangent reality that splits off when everyone else falls asleep and I sit down here and struggle. I wouldn't call it struggle. It's not a struggle until someone approaches me about it, but for the life of me theres nothing I can make it do to go away, to get away. I'm taking my pills. They worked for sleep at the start, but I can't always rely on medication for one of the simplest things in life. I can understand the "positive effects" they might have on my mental "stability", if you want to call it that, but no matter what I'll always eventually develop a resistance to sedation side effects. When the lights go out, closing my eyes alone terrifies me. I can't convince people to sleep with me, that just carries other connotations that people misunderstand. If only everyone knew what I was and wasn't capable of. I should make a list. Murder. Sex. I can't recall now where I put my cigarettes. Being up at noon will be no problem. I keep drifting in and out of sleep in my chair and on my bed, so I'll have gotten a few hours, but when they're split up like they have been lately, I start to feel split up, stretched out over a hole in myself. It's only a month of work. How can I explain to them that it will be so much easier once I get there? So many new faces. So many possibilities. I feel so ridiculous saying some of this, but the fact is is that if I don't have a chance to let people see the person I am capable of being, I will stop being the person that I am, and I simply can't show everyone up here who is so familiar with what I have become what I was born to be. A change of scenery. Florida is gorgeous. Mike, Justice, Matt, Muller... they're some of the most.. how do I put this? Substantial? Worthwhile, I guess. Worthwhile investments of oxygen and semen. So many people I meet make me wish that murder was something more acceptable in this society, because they pollute the fucking ground they walk on. Some existance makes me sick. I'm not so much comfortable with what I am, but I feel like I am suited to atleast make the lesser "people" want to change. They may hate me for it, but if they can be shown that they are nothing in the footprints of equals, equals who take such ridiculously simple steps to make themselves a real person, then maybe they'll want to be better people. That's all I'm really after. I have no personal vendetta against any minority, or any disability; I simply want people who aren't what they are capable of to embrace evolution. A change of subject. Why is it that sometimes I feel like I created the universe, but I am so disgusted with some of the things in it that it seems illogical? I honestly believe sometimes that I am God, which doesnt' fit well with the fact that I will always be a Christian... I am convinced sometimes that I am a piece of God, or God himself. I'll go to hell for it, but I can't make it go away. I've begged, delivered personal apology stacked on top of eachother to the point where reciting them was analogitical to manual labor, a pick up truck full of bullshit that I honestly MEAN... I hope that before I die I'll be forgiven for taking the wrong path, for following the second road he provided for me instead of the one he probably hoped I would take. I fear nothing in life, absolutely NOTHING. I dislike a lot, and hate even more, but I fear nothing. Death is another subject. Hell is the most terrifying concept to me, beyond anything any antireligious person could even imagine in guns or rape or triple homocides. Hell is eternal, and I fear forever. It's not that I fear death; I simply fear the possibility of Him taking one of the choices He will make for me after I die. If its the price I pay for living the life I lead, then theres no way to avoid it, but its illogical and just downright laymen not to fear it. I am terrified of hell. Wherever I go in life and wherever I end up in death, I want to be loved. I am rambling. I want people to know me, whether it be for bad or for good, but hopefully for a mixture. Respect is the hybrid child of hatred and love, or the bastard child of fear, and I hope to be a combination of the formers former and latter. Theres a mirror in me, and I can't stop staring at what I've become. There had better be the love of my life waiting for me in Florida, because I haven't found it here and I need it.