So I freaked out yesterday.
I had no idea that being in a computer lab was going to tweak me out so bad, but by the time I left with Juanjo, I just wanted to shrivel up in a shell and hide. I curled up in a ball on the way home; I was scared of everything- the cars, the people in the cars, even Juanjo’s music made me want to die (you know, beyond my usual suicidal tendencies at the sound of repetitive techno, as the Jellyfish puts it). I was afraid of my house; I made him check the rooms while I just went and hid in my bed. I pulled the sheets up so high I couldn’t breathe, squeezed my eyes shut and pulled a pillow over my ears so I would stop hearing his voice, telling me I’m lazy and stupid and immature. I had that vision of him in his underwear, throwing my backpack across the room, and yelling at me that I’m a bitch, playing over and over in my head. Juanjo came in to hold me and I babbled to him all the bad things Tom had done, all the ways he had controlled me, while Juanjo whispered to me over and over what I have been telling myself, that it’s over, that he’s gone, that I don’t have to deal with him any more. I think it’s the weakest anyone has ever seen me. I curled up with my head against his chest like a protective wall, until I got fed up with that and got angry at the way Tom thinks it’s ok to treat people, which then just annoyed me as who the fuck cares how Tom treats people, I’m out of that situation. Almost a year later, he’s still controlling me just the way he used to. Even in the computer lab, I was terrified that Juanjo was going to come up behind me and not see me typing or something and tell me I’m lazy and stupid and don’t belong here and should leave so the other smarter people who are here to work will be happier.
I’m in a computer lab right now, typing this down and conjuring these horrible images for myself, daring myself to freak out again and defying him to have any influence over me ever again.
Lying on my bed yesterday was the most ridiculous thing ever. I had nothing to hide from but what was in my head, and whether I am hiding from the world or out and about doing things, that’s not going to go away. I will say though, that my pani eventually subsided and I was just to comfortable with Juanjo’s arms around me to move.
From there on, Juanjo and I began to suck at life. Grrrr. I’m being jellyfisherized.
Thennnnn I did some work, made some food (tried the dishsoap cheese theory…didn’t end up vomiting last night, which just goes to show you I am abominably weak and highly disappointed in myself, as I have recently commetted some actions which will result in probably at least one more night of equal illness), searched all over the house for my 2 boxes of favorite cereal and an entire container of yogurt that managed to completely disappear when the maid organized the shelves yesterday (where the fuck could that crazy whore have hidden 2 jumbo boxes of cereal???? I wanted fucking corn flakes but instead I had to settle for Honey Bunches of Oats which had almonds and too much cinnamon.), and had to break up with Mario again. I was practically in tears, the kid is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met, not to mention not a drama factory, and obviously likes me very much. And I can give him nothing. I think if I could just make myself fall in love with someone, it would be him, because I feel like he deserves to be happy. However, that’s something I can’t force, and while I’m a damn good actress, that’s not fair to anyone. But to be honest, it’s getting awkward dancing around ambiguous questions about Juanjo, trying to explain things without really saying anything or having a CLUE what I’m talking about, and then explain to the kid yet again why we can’t be together. It makes me feel like a complete absolute bitch; this pretty, smart girl with this adorable boy chasing her all over the place in the sweetest most subtle ways possible, and instead of liking him back and making him happy, she’s stuck to this vortex of confusion which drives her crazy and really could probably care less what she does with herself.
And THEN Tjark came back from the States!!!!! Much hugging and delight was to be had. He had to hear about all my scandals (I ended up spilling everything I swore I wouldn’t tell….whoops), was shocked that I had topped myself yet again; he had thought that I must be at my scandal peak (indeed, so did I), he gave me excellent advice, which I already knew and have tried to implement ohhhh like 437863675643576 times, and yet fail at life hardcore and never succeed, and then we ate tomatoes with mozzarella and talked about how madly madly madly in love he is with William. It was the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard, especially since all the gay men I know are complete whores, except for Julian and Theo, but we have to admit that relationship can never be completely “functional” since one of it’s members doesn’t “function” on lots of levels. So hearing about a beautiful, healthy relationship like that was incredible, and made me want one of my own.
And then I went to sleep and had a scary dream and then woke up way too early and then I went to class and did a presentation in my psychology class all in Spanish and was generally feliz, even tho I don’t like it when people who humped me like rabid horny Chihuahuas a week ago approach me and touch me and invite me to go out with them again. I don’t like rabid horny Chihuahuas, sorry. I’m a Great Dane sorta girl.
Computer labs here are way too effing cold. And I want a quesadilla.
I’m in a computer lab right now, typing this down and conjuring these horrible images for myself, daring myself to freak out again and defying him to have any influence over me ever again.
Lying on my bed yesterday was the most ridiculous thing ever. I had nothing to hide from but what was in my head, and whether I am hiding from the world or out and about doing things, that’s not going to go away. I will say though, that my pani eventually subsided and I was just to comfortable with Juanjo’s arms around me to move.
From there on, Juanjo and I began to suck at life. Grrrr. I’m being jellyfisherized.
Thennnnn I did some work, made some food (tried the dishsoap cheese theory…didn’t end up vomiting last night, which just goes to show you I am abominably weak and highly disappointed in myself, as I have recently commetted some actions which will result in probably at least one more night of equal illness), searched all over the house for my 2 boxes of favorite cereal and an entire container of yogurt that managed to completely disappear when the maid organized the shelves yesterday (where the fuck could that crazy whore have hidden 2 jumbo boxes of cereal???? I wanted fucking corn flakes but instead I had to settle for Honey Bunches of Oats which had almonds and too much cinnamon.), and had to break up with Mario again. I was practically in tears, the kid is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met, not to mention not a drama factory, and obviously likes me very much. And I can give him nothing. I think if I could just make myself fall in love with someone, it would be him, because I feel like he deserves to be happy. However, that’s something I can’t force, and while I’m a damn good actress, that’s not fair to anyone. But to be honest, it’s getting awkward dancing around ambiguous questions about Juanjo, trying to explain things without really saying anything or having a CLUE what I’m talking about, and then explain to the kid yet again why we can’t be together. It makes me feel like a complete absolute bitch; this pretty, smart girl with this adorable boy chasing her all over the place in the sweetest most subtle ways possible, and instead of liking him back and making him happy, she’s stuck to this vortex of confusion which drives her crazy and really could probably care less what she does with herself.
And THEN Tjark came back from the States!!!!! Much hugging and delight was to be had. He had to hear about all my scandals (I ended up spilling everything I swore I wouldn’t tell….whoops), was shocked that I had topped myself yet again; he had thought that I must be at my scandal peak (indeed, so did I), he gave me excellent advice, which I already knew and have tried to implement ohhhh like 437863675643576 times, and yet fail at life hardcore and never succeed, and then we ate tomatoes with mozzarella and talked about how madly madly madly in love he is with William. It was the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard, especially since all the gay men I know are complete whores, except for Julian and Theo, but we have to admit that relationship can never be completely “functional” since one of it’s members doesn’t “function” on lots of levels. So hearing about a beautiful, healthy relationship like that was incredible, and made me want one of my own.
And then I went to sleep and had a scary dream and then woke up way too early and then I went to class and did a presentation in my psychology class all in Spanish and was generally feliz, even tho I don’t like it when people who humped me like rabid horny Chihuahuas a week ago approach me and touch me and invite me to go out with them again. I don’t like rabid horny Chihuahuas, sorry. I’m a Great Dane sorta girl.
Computer labs here are way too effing cold. And I want a quesadilla.