(no subject)
Fuck homework and productivity. Fuck this mood and fuck my thoughts. Fuck this journal in never going public with any of what I call Truth. Fuck me for being more of a hypocrite than you will ever know. Fuck the fact that I try to be someone I am not for people if I know they do not like who I really am. Fuck that. Fuck me.
Here. This will be good for me. You could care less, as you will not respond, but I just need to fucking do this.
I like good smelling soap and warm hugs. I like conversations about good things rather than frustrating things. I like people who accept me and don't expect me to change an aspect of myself that is very much a part of who I am. I like playing in the snow. I like to feel free of all responsibilities- however illusionary, unrealistic, and impossible it may be. I like getting good grades and sincere compliments. I like feeling desired. I like when you've forgotten about the pop sitting next to you, and an hour later you remember it and realize there is still a lot left to drink. I like tea that makes me feel comforted as I drink it. I like good kisses that reassure you of the true meaning behind them. I like simply knowing things rather than needing to hear it all the time. I like tangeable reminders of meaning and love and truth and caring and respect. I like my big pink boots. I like taking long showers. I like the feeling of being pleasantly not hungry but not full. I like looking at the scale and having the numbers go down rather than up. I like fufu berry soda. I like that my roommate and I get along so well and understand one another. I like "medium carmel white mochas, one shot of espresso, not so hot." I like the feeling of acceptance and honest love rather than feeling as if I need to change something or think differently. I like good tasting food that makes my mouth water. I like having an associative memory, but only of good things. I like feeling confident about something that I believe in. I like when it's easy to reiterate what I'm thinking or feeling publicly, but I also like my little secrets. I like that I can be someone you'd never imagine me to be. I like when you tell me you truly and sincerely miss me. I like people who understand exactly what I'm saying without having to expand. I like living outside of the house while feeling familiar and close enough to go back if necessary. I like that feeling you get when you walk in a room and everyone exclaims their excitement and joy to see you. I like feeling pretty. I like that feeling you get after you wash your face. I like that we have a freezer fully capable of housing a pint of cherry garcia ice cream. I like ordering pizza at a quarter to midnight and eating it with Shan in the middle of our floor while watching a movie on TV, even if we still have homework. I like ignorance every now and then. I like feeling as if it matters that I exist. I like the feeling I get when people are crying with me. I like attending memorial services, hearing people's memories, and being able to laugh through my tears as I watch them do the same. I like that feeling you get when someone is truly happy to be with you and you can tell by the way they say I love you, or the sincerety or tears in their eyes. I like remembering the good parts.
Here. This will be good for me. You could care less, as you will not respond, but I just need to fucking do this.
I like good smelling soap and warm hugs. I like conversations about good things rather than frustrating things. I like people who accept me and don't expect me to change an aspect of myself that is very much a part of who I am. I like playing in the snow. I like to feel free of all responsibilities- however illusionary, unrealistic, and impossible it may be. I like getting good grades and sincere compliments. I like feeling desired. I like when you've forgotten about the pop sitting next to you, and an hour later you remember it and realize there is still a lot left to drink. I like tea that makes me feel comforted as I drink it. I like good kisses that reassure you of the true meaning behind them. I like simply knowing things rather than needing to hear it all the time. I like tangeable reminders of meaning and love and truth and caring and respect. I like my big pink boots. I like taking long showers. I like the feeling of being pleasantly not hungry but not full. I like looking at the scale and having the numbers go down rather than up. I like fufu berry soda. I like that my roommate and I get along so well and understand one another. I like "medium carmel white mochas, one shot of espresso, not so hot." I like the feeling of acceptance and honest love rather than feeling as if I need to change something or think differently. I like good tasting food that makes my mouth water. I like having an associative memory, but only of good things. I like feeling confident about something that I believe in. I like when it's easy to reiterate what I'm thinking or feeling publicly, but I also like my little secrets. I like that I can be someone you'd never imagine me to be. I like when you tell me you truly and sincerely miss me. I like people who understand exactly what I'm saying without having to expand. I like living outside of the house while feeling familiar and close enough to go back if necessary. I like that feeling you get when you walk in a room and everyone exclaims their excitement and joy to see you. I like feeling pretty. I like that feeling you get after you wash your face. I like that we have a freezer fully capable of housing a pint of cherry garcia ice cream. I like ordering pizza at a quarter to midnight and eating it with Shan in the middle of our floor while watching a movie on TV, even if we still have homework. I like ignorance every now and then. I like feeling as if it matters that I exist. I like the feeling I get when people are crying with me. I like attending memorial services, hearing people's memories, and being able to laugh through my tears as I watch them do the same. I like that feeling you get when someone is truly happy to be with you and you can tell by the way they say I love you, or the sincerety or tears in their eyes. I like remembering the good parts.