My evening of random thoughts and inconsistencies.
"I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan has been in my head since Brian's visitation. I guess what made it worse is that immediately afterwards (still in dressy clothing, implying people ask why) I had to go to work. Things were pretty mellow for awhile - I didn't have to call (instead I filed with Kyla, which wasn't too bad... it distracted my thoughts most of the time). But right before hand, when everyone was gathering their things to start working, Kyla was showing me this Handbook for Singles (that's not actually the title) that she bought on Valentine's Day which had a lot of amusing Do's and Don'ts in terms of [obsessively] seeking relationships... and then suddenly that same song I kept hearing at the visitation started playing in the background. The song that played while images of Brian's childhood flashed on the screen as everyone watched with tears in their eyes. I couldn't help but start crying again. I feel like it's still one of those things you only remember once you start thinking about, and then you just can't stop. I'm glad I went. I wanted to see him. I wanted proof that it happened, so I could step out of this overwhelming sense of denial..... but he didn't look like himself. I guess that's to be expected, when there's so much make-up on his [expressionless] face... but he didn't smile like he used to; he was an entirely different person laid to rest in the casket. I tried so hard the entire time to hold myself back from sobbing. Greta kept talking about Chemistry with him (I was also in her class, with Brian). Mrs. Anderson would always get annoyed with him for bringing random things up to distract the class, but it was never an anger-annoyed... it was always a friendly, "Oh, Brian.." sort of reaction, and the entire class loved him for it. History Day was an entirely different environment with him, a different group of people, a different teacher, but nonetheless he was the Brian that I remember. I guess I sometimes still have a hard time believing that he's gone, even with the program clutched tightly in by hands and the memories and pictures and his body right before my eyes. When I was filing, Kyla left to go to the bathroom, and I was in the room by myself, left to my thoughts... Faith Hill's "Breathe" came on the radio, and suddenly I was reminded of what I always notice and examine at open-casket wakes and funerals.... they're not breathing anymore. So of course I started crying again.. I couldn't help it. I composed myself before she came back and continued filing, but it's just so hard sometimes, when it remains something that you can't believe is really happening. This really happened. I keep thinking this isn't something you should have to do. You shouldn't bury your friends and peers - not when they're this young. It was so sad to see people go up to the casket and start breaking down... you could just feel so much sadness aluminating all around them. Even if you didn't know them, even if they were only someone you recognized, you wanted to go up and hug them and tell them everything was going to be okay ("because that's just what you say"). Instead I watched more and more people cry and hug one another... it was relieving to see that most people had someone to hold onto. I'm so glad I had Maura and Greta, even if we all knew him in different ways.. Maura especially, having gone to school with him for 12 years...... [Maura, I love you, thank you so much for going with me.] I want this to be it. I want everyone else to live the long successful lives that they hope and dream for. I never want someone close to me to die. Of course that's what this leads me to: fear of the people closest to me dieing. Someone dies, you're reminded of the fragility of life, and suddenly you start praying to whoever you pray to that it won't happen again - that it won't happen to the people closest to you. And you're overwhelmed with this feeling to let everyone know that you love them. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you....
*sigh* It's a lot harder to clear your thoughts of such things and start fresh. I want to write something non-Brian related; something to distract me. I need something to distract me. Random Thoughts. Hi. How are you today? I got dressed up and had to tell people why. They asked more questions than I was expecting - are you supposed to say thank you when people say, "Oh, that's tragic.. I'm so sorry." I had hot cocoa and a muffin for supper. Comfort food. Don't yell at me for not eating, this isn't the time. Comfort food. The cocoa didn't taste that great. I have yet to finish the muffin. Filing was good. Filing distracted me. I'm sure I would have upset the poor people I had to call today anyway. I'm just not up to par. I'm trying, but I'm trying too hard, and sometimes it feels too fake to keep going. I can smile. I can laugh. I can also cry. I've done all three today. Random thoughts. Next subject. I purchased a "Student Advantage" card today. Mostly so I could get 15% off of Greyhound, if the St. Paul bus depot doesn't give me the same deal that the U does. Money makes the world go 'round. They didn't capitalize the first letter of the second part of my last name. That was confusing. The G. They didn't capitalize the G. Never hyphenate your poor childrens' names. I understand that you want to be an equal to your husband, so you keep your maiden name, but why hyphenate your childrens' names? Random Thoughts. There is a dark blue suitcase and a 13 page syllabus to my left. I had to make sure I spelled syllabus right. Pictures decorate my cubby. His program rests next to a Valentine's Day card that Hannah made me. Oh, Hannah. Miles got me a silly Valentine's Day card that says "Sit On My Face... and I'll eat my way to your heart." Haha. Miles is silly. I like him. My friends at Hamline liked him, too, when he visited last weekend. That was fun. He got me "The Princess and the Warrior." (!) I love that movie. Many points to him. Many many. :D Maura, Miles and I went to The Black Sea - a nearby Turkish restaurant - to eat. It was pretty good. Crowded and small, but nice in one of those hole-in-the-wall random places you see. If you ask me what makes Turkish food Turkish I couldn't tell you. Thoughts. Jesse gave me [and Shan, and several other girls I'm sure] a rose. It almost died, but I saved it. Shan and my roses now rest in a large Dasani water bottle on top of our microfridge. They're beautiful. Bailey gave Shannon pink roses for Valentine's Day, along with a giant Hershey's kiss filled with mini kisses. She came back with the biggest smile on her face. Her immediate response was, "They're pink!!" She loves the color pink. I took a picture and made it focal black-and-white (focusing on the pink roses, of course, the only object of color in the image). Beat. Shannon just came into the room and said to me in a matter-of-fact/nearly monotone voice, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard." I smiled. It reminded me of Miles, which made me smile even more - not only because he's Miles, but because it's funny that the song reminds me of him. :) Just like cheese. Cheese reminds me of him. And random songs that I remember Mike playing in his Van Of Death. Random Thoughts. I've talked to Ben a few times. I found a videotape that we made back in the day. I saw myself. Shannon said she could tell it was me (when you hear me in the background), but we both noticed that I talk differently. My laugh is similar, but my voice [and articulation, especially] is completely different. There was one scene where Ben was taping me drinking milk. I made a lovely [incredibly unattractive] burp and was dressed in all black. My hair was short and dark. Robby's right. I do look better in my normal-colored long hair. I feel so much more attractive, now. I was so annoyed when I watched the tape. I sat there in disgust with myself. Shannon watched a lot with me. I was disgusted with myself, and Ben and my relationship, wondering why we didn't break up sooner. I didn't pay attention to him. We didn't have great conversations. Maybe these are the things that were just displayed on the screen, as both of us felt incredibly awkward being filmed, but it was just unpleasant to watch none the less. I did see his kitties, though. Stinky and Fatty: probably the fattest cats I have ever seen in my entire life. I wonder if they're still alive. I hope so. Ben had a lot of footage of them on the tape. Shannon couldn't believe they could even walk. (They don't walk, they waddle.) God, it was weird. I was a weird kid. I find nothing attractive about the person I saw on that tape. I remember at the very end scene, I said something that I recall making note of to my future self. Right before I turned off the tape, I told Ben that I loved him... he said it back, but you couldn't really feel it in either of our voices. You couldn't feel it the way I feel it with Miles. That made me incredibly happy, knowing I never felt the same way about Ben that I do about Miles. But I remember making a note to say it before I turned it off, as if I was trying to convince the self watching it in the future that that's how it was. (The original idea behind making the tape was so I'd have something to watch when I missed him. I think I watched it once.) Beat. I think I'm done with random thoughts, for now. The boys are being loud. They have an ethernet cord running from Sam's Man Room to Nick & Eric's room in order to play... some game... probably Star Wars or Halo... I don't know. But they're being loud. And I have homework. And I don't know when I'll go to bed. Let me know if you read this far. I really did put my heart into it, despite how random the thoughts were. They were real. I didn't delete anything, nor did I think too much before completing the sentence. Speak your thoughts - comments make me feel like people are paying attention loved.
*sigh* It's a lot harder to clear your thoughts of such things and start fresh. I want to write something non-Brian related; something to distract me. I need something to distract me. Random Thoughts. Hi. How are you today? I got dressed up and had to tell people why. They asked more questions than I was expecting - are you supposed to say thank you when people say, "Oh, that's tragic.. I'm so sorry." I had hot cocoa and a muffin for supper. Comfort food. Don't yell at me for not eating, this isn't the time. Comfort food. The cocoa didn't taste that great. I have yet to finish the muffin. Filing was good. Filing distracted me. I'm sure I would have upset the poor people I had to call today anyway. I'm just not up to par. I'm trying, but I'm trying too hard, and sometimes it feels too fake to keep going. I can smile. I can laugh. I can also cry. I've done all three today. Random thoughts. Next subject. I purchased a "Student Advantage" card today. Mostly so I could get 15% off of Greyhound, if the St. Paul bus depot doesn't give me the same deal that the U does. Money makes the world go 'round. They didn't capitalize the first letter of the second part of my last name. That was confusing. The G. They didn't capitalize the G. Never hyphenate your poor childrens' names. I understand that you want to be an equal to your husband, so you keep your maiden name, but why hyphenate your childrens' names? Random Thoughts. There is a dark blue suitcase and a 13 page syllabus to my left. I had to make sure I spelled syllabus right. Pictures decorate my cubby. His program rests next to a Valentine's Day card that Hannah made me. Oh, Hannah. Miles got me a silly Valentine's Day card that says "Sit On My Face... and I'll eat my way to your heart." Haha. Miles is silly. I like him. My friends at Hamline liked him, too, when he visited last weekend. That was fun. He got me "The Princess and the Warrior." (!) I love that movie. Many points to him. Many many. :D Maura, Miles and I went to The Black Sea - a nearby Turkish restaurant - to eat. It was pretty good. Crowded and small, but nice in one of those hole-in-the-wall random places you see. If you ask me what makes Turkish food Turkish I couldn't tell you. Thoughts. Jesse gave me [and Shan, and several other girls I'm sure] a rose. It almost died, but I saved it. Shan and my roses now rest in a large Dasani water bottle on top of our microfridge. They're beautiful. Bailey gave Shannon pink roses for Valentine's Day, along with a giant Hershey's kiss filled with mini kisses. She came back with the biggest smile on her face. Her immediate response was, "They're pink!!" She loves the color pink. I took a picture and made it focal black-and-white (focusing on the pink roses, of course, the only object of color in the image). Beat. Shannon just came into the room and said to me in a matter-of-fact/nearly monotone voice, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard." I smiled. It reminded me of Miles, which made me smile even more - not only because he's Miles, but because it's funny that the song reminds me of him. :) Just like cheese. Cheese reminds me of him. And random songs that I remember Mike playing in his Van Of Death. Random Thoughts. I've talked to Ben a few times. I found a videotape that we made back in the day. I saw myself. Shannon said she could tell it was me (when you hear me in the background), but we both noticed that I talk differently. My laugh is similar, but my voice [and articulation, especially] is completely different. There was one scene where Ben was taping me drinking milk. I made a lovely [incredibly unattractive] burp and was dressed in all black. My hair was short and dark. Robby's right. I do look better in my normal-colored long hair. I feel so much more attractive, now. I was so annoyed when I watched the tape. I sat there in disgust with myself. Shannon watched a lot with me. I was disgusted with myself, and Ben and my relationship, wondering why we didn't break up sooner. I didn't pay attention to him. We didn't have great conversations. Maybe these are the things that were just displayed on the screen, as both of us felt incredibly awkward being filmed, but it was just unpleasant to watch none the less. I did see his kitties, though. Stinky and Fatty: probably the fattest cats I have ever seen in my entire life. I wonder if they're still alive. I hope so. Ben had a lot of footage of them on the tape. Shannon couldn't believe they could even walk. (They don't walk, they waddle.) God, it was weird. I was a weird kid. I find nothing attractive about the person I saw on that tape. I remember at the very end scene, I said something that I recall making note of to my future self. Right before I turned off the tape, I told Ben that I loved him... he said it back, but you couldn't really feel it in either of our voices. You couldn't feel it the way I feel it with Miles. That made me incredibly happy, knowing I never felt the same way about Ben that I do about Miles. But I remember making a note to say it before I turned it off, as if I was trying to convince the self watching it in the future that that's how it was. (The original idea behind making the tape was so I'd have something to watch when I missed him. I think I watched it once.) Beat. I think I'm done with random thoughts, for now. The boys are being loud. They have an ethernet cord running from Sam's Man Room to Nick & Eric's room in order to play... some game... probably Star Wars or Halo... I don't know. But they're being loud. And I have homework. And I don't know when I'll go to bed. Let me know if you read this far. I really did put my heart into it, despite how random the thoughts were. They were real. I didn't delete anything, nor did I think too much before completing the sentence. Speak your thoughts - comments make me feel like people are paying attention loved.