on loneliness and birthdays
God I hate it here sometimes. I don't have anyone to spend time with that knows how to be around me. How hard is it to make someone feel valuable on their fucking birthday? Seriously. Why can't it be that easy for other people?
Try not being selfish for once. Consider what someone else wants. Needs. Craves. Not guilt them for wanting to do something fun or something about them. Cater to someone else's comfort. If you can't make them happy, at least try to make them comfortable, right?
Yeah. Okay. Well here we are, another birthday has come and gone. I really miss feeling wanted. I'm so sick of feeling like refuse. Nothing I want matters. Resentment doesn't even touch this feeling. It's just a total lack of understanding of one another. I've spent most of my life considering what others need and want. How do you teach someone that? It's more in how you're brought up I guess. I cannot imagine being so focused on myself in every day life. My comforts and routines are not that essential. I provide and share resources. It's not about money. It's about not being self-serving. I seriously want to leave the country. I may as well be at this point. Everyone is out of reach and touch. I can't really communicate with anyone openly from this cloudy ass hellhole of a city. Otherwise, it may come out as 'Holy fuck. I want to blow my face off. I am truly miserable and in need of a friend.' How taboo is that?
I will say, without question, that I am tired as hell of having shitty ass birthdays that make me feel awful and alone. Next year, come hell or high water, I'm going somewhere and doing something that I want to do. This is bullshit. I don't deserve this. Also, I'm not going so far out of my way to look out for or do things for people that obviously don't value me.
/end rant
Try not being selfish for once. Consider what someone else wants. Needs. Craves. Not guilt them for wanting to do something fun or something about them. Cater to someone else's comfort. If you can't make them happy, at least try to make them comfortable, right?
Yeah. Okay. Well here we are, another birthday has come and gone. I really miss feeling wanted. I'm so sick of feeling like refuse. Nothing I want matters. Resentment doesn't even touch this feeling. It's just a total lack of understanding of one another. I've spent most of my life considering what others need and want. How do you teach someone that? It's more in how you're brought up I guess. I cannot imagine being so focused on myself in every day life. My comforts and routines are not that essential. I provide and share resources. It's not about money. It's about not being self-serving. I seriously want to leave the country. I may as well be at this point. Everyone is out of reach and touch. I can't really communicate with anyone openly from this cloudy ass hellhole of a city. Otherwise, it may come out as 'Holy fuck. I want to blow my face off. I am truly miserable and in need of a friend.' How taboo is that?
I will say, without question, that I am tired as hell of having shitty ass birthdays that make me feel awful and alone. Next year, come hell or high water, I'm going somewhere and doing something that I want to do. This is bullshit. I don't deserve this. Also, I'm not going so far out of my way to look out for or do things for people that obviously don't value me.
/end rant