(no subject)
Today in the admissions committee, while advocating for a girl from Connecticut, I broke down and cried. And it didn't even really have anything to do with the girl.
I think this is a long time in coming, but it is unfortunate that I unleashed my vulnerability in front of every single one of my co-workers.
Meghan's phonecall woke me up this morning.
I feel like my friends and I are living in two different worlds. They live in the one where people can afford to make mistakes. Where there is something to fall back on. I know I have gradually closed myself off emotionally. I have compartmentalized completely. I only allow myself to be sad in private. I graft my anger onto what is trivial. I have become sarcastic to a fault, because I can make fun of what is fundamentally wrong.
I feel like if I ever give birth, I will have to do it Good Earth style. Alone in my bedroom into a washtub. Because I will be that unwilling to show pain and weakness to anybody but myself.
And yet, I do not feel like this is completely my fault. I feel like my friends and family have denied me time and time again. Or at the very least, I feel as if they have never really seen me. My mother comes the closest. She knows when something is wrong, but she is not always willing to allow me expression. She has always mocked me for crying. To the extent that it simply becomes easier to insist that I am fine.
I am sad, and I am angry, and I am disgusted by it.
I want someone to recognize the warning signs in me, like I do in them. I am a bloodhound with emotions. I know when people are hurting, regardless of the facade. I want that for myself. I wish that someone would stop and look at me long enough to see that when I say I am fine, it is not always true.
I want people to understand that I need things from them. That I need my father to do a twelve step program. That I need a relationship that doesn't leave me alone at night, to the extent that I feel put out when I am no longer by myself in this house. That I need perspective and insight. That I need encouragement and initiative. Because I can only do so much for myself.
I am sick of people not getting this about me. To the extent that I break down during a session of admissions committee.
Ultimately, I want to feel like I am successful, like I am thriving, and I don't. I desperately want that to change. I just wish I knew how.
I think this is a long time in coming, but it is unfortunate that I unleashed my vulnerability in front of every single one of my co-workers.
Meghan's phonecall woke me up this morning.
I feel like my friends and I are living in two different worlds. They live in the one where people can afford to make mistakes. Where there is something to fall back on. I know I have gradually closed myself off emotionally. I have compartmentalized completely. I only allow myself to be sad in private. I graft my anger onto what is trivial. I have become sarcastic to a fault, because I can make fun of what is fundamentally wrong.
I feel like if I ever give birth, I will have to do it Good Earth style. Alone in my bedroom into a washtub. Because I will be that unwilling to show pain and weakness to anybody but myself.
And yet, I do not feel like this is completely my fault. I feel like my friends and family have denied me time and time again. Or at the very least, I feel as if they have never really seen me. My mother comes the closest. She knows when something is wrong, but she is not always willing to allow me expression. She has always mocked me for crying. To the extent that it simply becomes easier to insist that I am fine.
I am sad, and I am angry, and I am disgusted by it.
I want someone to recognize the warning signs in me, like I do in them. I am a bloodhound with emotions. I know when people are hurting, regardless of the facade. I want that for myself. I wish that someone would stop and look at me long enough to see that when I say I am fine, it is not always true.
I want people to understand that I need things from them. That I need my father to do a twelve step program. That I need a relationship that doesn't leave me alone at night, to the extent that I feel put out when I am no longer by myself in this house. That I need perspective and insight. That I need encouragement and initiative. Because I can only do so much for myself.
I am sick of people not getting this about me. To the extent that I break down during a session of admissions committee.
Ultimately, I want to feel like I am successful, like I am thriving, and I don't. I desperately want that to change. I just wish I knew how.