(no subject)
Went and saw Garden State last night.
It was gorgeous, and beautiful.
After I get done watching movies like that, I want to think and reflect. It must be quiet. I can't stand people pestering me over stupid things when I'm trying to think during this time period. Cj knows I like to do this, so he usually just holds me and I guess we let what we just saw sink in with our own ways.
But Paul B went with us last night, and he invited some girl from work and her sister to come too. I felt like my IQ was in the negatives after just being there for 10 minutes.
Afterwards we left, and Paul kept asking if I hated him and that if he was a bad father and all of this other stupid shit. I've been reassuring him since day one that it's ok that he's living with us and that he's being a good father. But he should NOT have invited some 19 yr old that he admitted he had a crush on to me and her younger sister to the movies. You don't just get out of a fucking 3 yr relationship and just start playing the field. It doesn't work that way. He's a fucking Dumbass and Beth is a fucking bitch.
I just wish that I could take Kayla and protect her from her future childhood. The girl isn't even one yet, and already she's going to be faced with tough decisions and a rough childhood. I can feel it. I can see it.
I know that I sure as hell didn't have it as bad as most kids could have had it, but I took a fucking Mental beating like no other. Kati and Beth did, too.
I dunno.
Anyways.
I feel weird.
I can't stop listening to this song on repeat.
I don't see the point in living anymore. I mean, I love Cj and have friends, but really. Why are any of us alive? we work, we come home, we watch tv, play games, eat, get online, maybe go out. then repeat.
eat.
sleep.
wake up.
shower.
work.
eat.
get off work.
eat.
come home.
play a game. check your email. go see a movie. call a friend.
Sleep.
repeat.
I don't even know any of you anymore. I don't even know myself. Am I really being truthful on here? Not sure.
I think this journal should have been long retired. I don't know.
Maybe I'm being stupid.
There's always a half to everything.
Half of me is alive, happy, I want to be with everyone and hug them and make sure they are alright. I want them to be happy.
The other half just... I dunno.
I have these thoughts, you know? These thoughts of how easy it is to hurt people. How easy it is to just take a fucking knife and shove it in their eyes. Would I feel remorse? Would I collapse in horror of my actions? Or would I just stand there. It's so easy to take something and destroy it.
Maybe I've been watching too many violent tv shows or movies or video games *sarcasm*
So easy to just put the barrell of a gun in your mouth. So easy.
I guess the other half of my just doesn't really give a shit. Who knows.
I could really stand for some coffee. I just want it to rain, and I want to go to an empty starbucks with some warm coffee and a good book.
I want to sink deep into a fantasy world.
What better time to do that than now...
It was gorgeous, and beautiful.
After I get done watching movies like that, I want to think and reflect. It must be quiet. I can't stand people pestering me over stupid things when I'm trying to think during this time period. Cj knows I like to do this, so he usually just holds me and I guess we let what we just saw sink in with our own ways.
But Paul B went with us last night, and he invited some girl from work and her sister to come too. I felt like my IQ was in the negatives after just being there for 10 minutes.
Afterwards we left, and Paul kept asking if I hated him and that if he was a bad father and all of this other stupid shit. I've been reassuring him since day one that it's ok that he's living with us and that he's being a good father. But he should NOT have invited some 19 yr old that he admitted he had a crush on to me and her younger sister to the movies. You don't just get out of a fucking 3 yr relationship and just start playing the field. It doesn't work that way. He's a fucking Dumbass and Beth is a fucking bitch.
I just wish that I could take Kayla and protect her from her future childhood. The girl isn't even one yet, and already she's going to be faced with tough decisions and a rough childhood. I can feel it. I can see it.
I know that I sure as hell didn't have it as bad as most kids could have had it, but I took a fucking Mental beating like no other. Kati and Beth did, too.
I dunno.
Anyways.
I feel weird.
I can't stop listening to this song on repeat.
I don't see the point in living anymore. I mean, I love Cj and have friends, but really. Why are any of us alive? we work, we come home, we watch tv, play games, eat, get online, maybe go out. then repeat.
eat.
sleep.
wake up.
shower.
work.
eat.
get off work.
eat.
come home.
play a game. check your email. go see a movie. call a friend.
Sleep.
repeat.
I don't even know any of you anymore. I don't even know myself. Am I really being truthful on here? Not sure.
I think this journal should have been long retired. I don't know.
Maybe I'm being stupid.
There's always a half to everything.
Half of me is alive, happy, I want to be with everyone and hug them and make sure they are alright. I want them to be happy.
The other half just... I dunno.
I have these thoughts, you know? These thoughts of how easy it is to hurt people. How easy it is to just take a fucking knife and shove it in their eyes. Would I feel remorse? Would I collapse in horror of my actions? Or would I just stand there. It's so easy to take something and destroy it.
Maybe I've been watching too many violent tv shows or movies or video games *sarcasm*
So easy to just put the barrell of a gun in your mouth. So easy.
I guess the other half of my just doesn't really give a shit. Who knows.
I could really stand for some coffee. I just want it to rain, and I want to go to an empty starbucks with some warm coffee and a good book.
I want to sink deep into a fantasy world.
What better time to do that than now...