Manic-depressive disorder
If someone had told me at the beginning of October that I would spend 1/2 the month in the hospital, I would have laughed at them and thought nothing else of it. Just laugh it off, that's what I'd always do. It's kinda funny my status on facebook said Alysa is wishing October was over already, or something along the lines of that. I had no clue how fast October would go by and November was just one foggy blur. So this wasn't exactly how I planned for my first semester of college to go.
I'm not sure how many people noticed I disappeared. I know a lot of people in band did, considering part of my manic attack occured during band. Well, I'm not even sure what all I remember about the hospital but let's see what I've got... I remember the night I got there, I was really freaked out, everyone seemed to know something I didn't. They had this look in their eyes, it was kinda nice and scared me at the same time. Mrs. Kay and Karen are the one's who took care of me during my manic episode in which I refused to eat cause I felt I wasn't worthy. Actually, this was probably more of a depressed state it's kinda hard to say. The look in their eyes was concern, love, and probably even fear. They had no clue what was wrong w/me, apparently I kept saying the same thing over and over like a broken record, then I'd go off and no one understood what I was talking about. Anyway when I got there they wanted to do a drug test, but I didn't pee in the cup, oops. Mania is kinda a natural high, that's why they wanted to do the drug test I guess. I don't remember much after this other than they took me to my room and made me put on scrubs. I couldn't sleep that night so they gave me a lovely shot in my butt to knock me out.
I have no clue how long I slept, i don't remember much stuff that happened during the next few days. But eventually I was out in the hospital w/the other patients, I remember Clem and Mark. Clem was an alcoholic in a wheel chair, Mark had attempted suicide. Everyone there had a problem, i had no clue that i had a problem, I was just there. i remember being really sleepy during group therapy, after a blood test they realized they'd given me a bit too many drugs, oops. Before I left I made friends w/a girl Stephanie, they gave her some pill to make her sleep and she was really drugged up the next morning b4 I left, I worry about her, but I'm sure she's fine now. There was also a guy named Aaron who was really sweet and cared about me a lot, he was only there for 2 days, but he brought everyone a present the next day. I got brilliant burnette conditioner from him, cause I'd told him I didn't have any.
Joy was a lady that worked there, she was our exercise person idk the official term but we hung out w/her twice a day, which was always fun. We had group therapy in the mornings after breakfast. Group therapy is part of recovery from mental illnesses. it didn't help me, but of course at the time I didn't understand why I was there in the first place. I was so messed up that i didn't realize I was in the hospital til the last 2 days I was there. Once I realized I was in a hospital, i just wanted to leave really bad. I wasn't sick and there was no reason to keep me there. I layed in bed w/my eyes closed unable to sleep, i had several racing thoughts those 2 nights. I don't remember what day they told me, but my diagnosis was bipolar disorder also known as manic-depressive illness. i used to thing bipolar meant that someone would go from being happy to getting really mad suddenly or visa versa, just having mood swings and what not, glad to know i was wrong.
www.nami.org If you care you can go read up on bipolar disorder, I haven't had all of the symptoms of mania and depression, but I've had enough of them. I will more then likely take medecine the rest of my life. I don't want to, and accepting this is something I haven't completely done. I'm reading a book right now called An Unquiet Mind, it's by a lady who has manic-depressive illness and also is a Ph.D. in Pysciatry. It's really helping me a lot, and she gets pretty messed up when she stops taking her medecine, so I'm not planning on doing anything unless the doctor thinks I'm ready. Some of my independence has been taken away thanks to this, I now have a pyschiatrist and a pyscologist who are both in control to an extent. Mostly the phschiatrist, Dr.Price, he decides how much medecine I get to take.
This hasn't really been a good Christmas entry, sorry. I'm just now feeling like talking about things and finally in the state of mind where I can. Oh I almost forgot to mention, Matt and I are broken up, though I figure most everyone who reads this already knows that. I called him one night when I was at the hospital and broke up w/him cause I felt I had to, I was really messed up. I also tried to get him back, this was all when my head was still pretty messed up from drugs and what not, so now I just try to laugh at it. So now my longest relationship is up to 3 months, woot. Overall I guess it's been my best relationship, but really what's done is done and I don't need to dwell on the past, cause it's over.
Merry Christmas to all, sorry for the depressing entry.