(no subject)
cocaine is a viscious substance. two weeks went by and at the end of them, i had no clear recolection of just how much i had done, 7-10 times i guesses, but i did know that over $300 dollars had been spent. it changes who you are unlike any other drug i have done. or gotten "attached" to. i started doing it as away to trhow away my troubles. my pain, really. god i loved him. i let myself let it get too intense. the plight of the homosexual male is falling in love with straight boys. the saddest part is, he was my best friend, my deepest confidant, he was in on my every thought. we were so close and what we had was, in my opinion, beautiful. i wish with all my heart now that our friendly relationship was separate from the relationship where, i guess, i had convinced myself he was my lover. i understand why he chose to disconnect our communication, but, did he have to say that it was one sided? that hurt. aside from the falsehoods i filled my head with about he and i, i still thought and think we had something special. something real. ::sigh:: i miss him. oh god. what have i done? i NEED to move on, but the hope that we can talk, fix this, i want to try, the hope that he will want to try...to let me be his friend again, plauges me everyday. i know it wouldn't be the same. but i just want him to pick me up and ride. like it's toddie and markus on any other day. i remember we could ride in that car, (no matter which it was), and talk about anything we were uncomfortable or angy or upset about, and work it out. drive away smiling and glad to have grown past something, and subsequently learned. i want it to be by proxy, no less. ::sigh::
On another note, there is no excuse for my cocaine usage except addiction which is a sickness one can only allow themselves to have. I am done. My dad is going to help me fix the nova, i get my license, (second attempt), on the 28th. the following saturday i take to the road of finding places to stay on a nightly basis until i can afford to settle down. hopefull derek's plans will work out and he'll pop in for a few days. :-) that would do me good. i miss april. i know her first priority is to brandon now, and that i have to accept that i am still held in a special place in her heart. a special place i could never be ungreatful for, because it is so full of pure acceptance, and love. i am happy with the time we find to spend together.
april aleyda todd batman kevin matt jason carl al we had some good party times. my face will forever light up upon reminiscing on all of our adventures. our crimes. our passion. and the fun we sew into our hearts, our memories, our lives. our past. happy/sad cry lump in throat. the things i have done with my friends stand as, in the true sense of the word, beauty.
...good times
On another note, there is no excuse for my cocaine usage except addiction which is a sickness one can only allow themselves to have. I am done. My dad is going to help me fix the nova, i get my license, (second attempt), on the 28th. the following saturday i take to the road of finding places to stay on a nightly basis until i can afford to settle down. hopefull derek's plans will work out and he'll pop in for a few days. :-) that would do me good. i miss april. i know her first priority is to brandon now, and that i have to accept that i am still held in a special place in her heart. a special place i could never be ungreatful for, because it is so full of pure acceptance, and love. i am happy with the time we find to spend together.
april aleyda todd batman kevin matt jason carl al we had some good party times. my face will forever light up upon reminiscing on all of our adventures. our crimes. our passion. and the fun we sew into our hearts, our memories, our lives. our past. happy/sad cry lump in throat. the things i have done with my friends stand as, in the true sense of the word, beauty.
...good times