up shit creek
sometimes i feel crazy, well most of the time i feel crazy, how is this possible, I went to rehab, i dont know who knows that, but i got out about a month ago, and I've been trying to set things staight but the world wont let me, i tried getting into a school, but it wasnt the right school at all, my social worker completly miss informed me, and uptown academy has a huge waiting list, so fuck it, maybe im not ment for a high school diploma, i should just get my GED and get it over with, this shit makes me sad though, i feel like a complete failure, i havent thought about college sence sophmore year, before all the drugs came into play. I would go back to high school, but when i turn 18 I'm going to have a million things that I'm going to have to take care of and realisticly i need to be working, all the time, will it never end?
I dont like being in relationships, i cant tell if I'm running from a good thing or a bad thing and it doesnt help when everyone thinks they know the man your in love with and who he used to be, their pretty convincing with there "he will never change" speach. but they dont see him, they dont know him, they know he's angry at a few people and duh he's angry if you knew why he was angry it might make sence. i mean he quit drinking, and smoking everything. and he's sweet, he's getting his GED he's trying to find a job, he wants to do something with his life, why people dont see that is beyond me, people are so harsh and judgmental, and fuck them, maybe i should just tell them all to stay out of it, maybe i dont want there opinions, but then what am i gonna go off of? my opinion, i dont know what i want, and damn, i've been seeing this other kid, and he takes me out all the time, i mean I've never really been taken care of like that, i was always the bread winner, i paid for everything, and man its nice, its so nice, but i dont like the kid like that, and now i dont want to break up with him he spent so much money i just feel guilty as hell, and i think thats the reason that I dont let people spend money on me, and if i were to break up with him, i prolly wouldnt be able to go to the "party spot" anymore, which might be a good thing, but also i would have no where to run away to. and I would lose him as a friend, and he's cool, he's great, he's a nice kid, but thats that, he's a kid. he's still doing the things that i shouldnt be subjecting myself to, but if i make a decision like that i have to stick to it and do good for myself, which seems terrifying, and how do you stay sober when theres nothing to do? no resources, no money, no sober people, and the only person you know thats sober is busy as a bee. she never has any time, and i love her, but i also feel guilty for kindof coming back to her after the drugs, like i ditched out on her and then when i need a helping hand she's the one i run to, its just wrong, I'm not that kind of person.
oh and then other day i got a fortune cookie that said an old friend would bring good things, then i ran into BENCID in uptown, he's sober, he goes to meetings he asked me to go, but he's like permatripped and that kinda freaks me out.. and i dont know if he just wants to fuck me, cuz he was kinda creepy jitting on me when i ran into him, it was like sutle creepy. he had a weird little smirk and he walked up to me and was like " damn girl i remeber you, do you remeber me?" and i was i dont know in shock, so we exchanged phone numbers, and then he called me the other day and asked me to go to a meeting with him, but i was drunk, and it was only 5 and i had gotten into a bad fight with my ex that morning, i mean bad, not like screaming, like bad, so i ran to get drunnk, and that wasnt even my drug of choice, but anyways i took it as a sign from some higher power, so i put down the bottle and havent touched anything sence, can i make it.
if any one reads all this i love you.
I dont like being in relationships, i cant tell if I'm running from a good thing or a bad thing and it doesnt help when everyone thinks they know the man your in love with and who he used to be, their pretty convincing with there "he will never change" speach. but they dont see him, they dont know him, they know he's angry at a few people and duh he's angry if you knew why he was angry it might make sence. i mean he quit drinking, and smoking everything. and he's sweet, he's getting his GED he's trying to find a job, he wants to do something with his life, why people dont see that is beyond me, people are so harsh and judgmental, and fuck them, maybe i should just tell them all to stay out of it, maybe i dont want there opinions, but then what am i gonna go off of? my opinion, i dont know what i want, and damn, i've been seeing this other kid, and he takes me out all the time, i mean I've never really been taken care of like that, i was always the bread winner, i paid for everything, and man its nice, its so nice, but i dont like the kid like that, and now i dont want to break up with him he spent so much money i just feel guilty as hell, and i think thats the reason that I dont let people spend money on me, and if i were to break up with him, i prolly wouldnt be able to go to the "party spot" anymore, which might be a good thing, but also i would have no where to run away to. and I would lose him as a friend, and he's cool, he's great, he's a nice kid, but thats that, he's a kid. he's still doing the things that i shouldnt be subjecting myself to, but if i make a decision like that i have to stick to it and do good for myself, which seems terrifying, and how do you stay sober when theres nothing to do? no resources, no money, no sober people, and the only person you know thats sober is busy as a bee. she never has any time, and i love her, but i also feel guilty for kindof coming back to her after the drugs, like i ditched out on her and then when i need a helping hand she's the one i run to, its just wrong, I'm not that kind of person.
oh and then other day i got a fortune cookie that said an old friend would bring good things, then i ran into BENCID in uptown, he's sober, he goes to meetings he asked me to go, but he's like permatripped and that kinda freaks me out.. and i dont know if he just wants to fuck me, cuz he was kinda creepy jitting on me when i ran into him, it was like sutle creepy. he had a weird little smirk and he walked up to me and was like " damn girl i remeber you, do you remeber me?" and i was i dont know in shock, so we exchanged phone numbers, and then he called me the other day and asked me to go to a meeting with him, but i was drunk, and it was only 5 and i had gotten into a bad fight with my ex that morning, i mean bad, not like screaming, like bad, so i ran to get drunnk, and that wasnt even my drug of choice, but anyways i took it as a sign from some higher power, so i put down the bottle and havent touched anything sence, can i make it.
if any one reads all this i love you.