Does anyone use LJ anymore?
I never write in here anymore. More accurately, I don't really write at all anymore. But I need to. I need to get back to that. Pen to the paper, fingers to the keys, whatever. I miss it. I miss who I was when I was that guy who wrote in here everyday. I haven't written in here in what, a year and a half. Damn. I should get back to writing though. Poetry, this, everything. It helped me a lot. I mean, I was so different then. Everything was different. But it's always nice to let some of it out. To make some room in my chest.To catch my breath. To make some space in my head.
I went out tonight for a while, a date of sorts. Actually, I dunno. This girl I've been interested in for months. We hung out for a couple of hours, it was nice. No awkwardness, no forced conversation. Her life is crazy and mine is...well. Yeah. so I don't know when I will be able to hang out with her again, but it was nice to get out for a bit. I am definitely gun shy since the whole Andrea thing. That girl definitely fucked my head up.She came into the grove the other night while I was there. Jen brought her in knowing I was there...I am still not sure why. It so weird how you can know someone isn't good for you. You can know someone treated you like shit, fucked you over, lied the whole bit, but you see them and it's like someone took a bat to your knees. That's how it was when I saw her. We both did our best to pretend like we were really busy, too busy to talk to each other. The bottom line is, she fucked me. I think she should apologize. She doesn't think she did anything wrong. Oh well. Lesson learned.
I am 26 now. Starting to maybe figure out where my place is, what I am supposed to be doing. It's taking forever to get there though. Shit with my mom is still so rocky a lot of the time. I hate that our relationship isn't good. Her health isn't good, hasn't really been for years.I don't want to regret how things are with us if something happens to her. I am scared of that. Scared too that she will die not knowing what I could be. Like, my life will still be in shambles. I want to be ok. I want to be doing well. And I want her to see that. Partly because I don't think she believes I can do it, I want to prove her wrong.And partly because, well, I do love her. And I want her to think she did a good job as a parent. Like one of her kids turned out well, sorta. She will never love all the choices I make, it is just not in me to live like she wants me to. But I hope we can get to a point where she is proud of what I have become. I feel bad for her sometimes...her kids are so fucked up. I want to be that kid that breaks that mold. I want her to know that she did a good job and I turned out well. I just have to get there.
I miss writing poems. I wrote a short one before I started writing this. One of the things Alana and I talked about tonight was how I was published. How I used to be a writer. I think everything goes in cycles. Everything. And maybe I just needed to step back from the writing for a while. For years I guess. I felt like I was getting stale though, and I don't want that. I want to keep growing, to keep learning. I had so many hopes for myself. Basically right now I am not really living up to any of them. Except for photography. I am definitely getting better every day with that. Everything else though has been on pause. Time to hit play. Time to see what I still have in my head that I can bring out. Time to see if I've still got it.
This is from my last entry, a year and a half ago:
Definitely feeling lonely lately. It seems everyone in my life has that person to spend thier time with and affection on. I want to need someone who actually needs me back. Just to feel wanted by those who you want. I haven't really had that since Jess. We all know how that worked out. I talk all this stuff about wanting to be single and being selfish, living my own life and doing things for me. And that is mostly true. But sometimes, you just want to curl up next to someone and reach out to them and have them reaching out to you too. You just want to kiss someone so deeply that it is hard to breathe and you feel all warm in the right places. It's been a while. Shit. I honestly don't know what I am trying to do here with this entry don't know what i am hoping to accomplish i dont know if this is even smart to be putting out there for anyone to read. i am feeling all sorts of fucked up lately. honestly, i am sick of feeling like this. feeling like i may have thrown away the only person who will ever love me the way i love her. regret.
I still feel all of that. Strange. I still miss Jess a lot. I guess you will always miss that person you shared so much of your life with. So much of your heart with. In some ways, I am definitely a better person than I was when we dated. But in some ways, I just don't know if I ever make the right choice. I love her. And loving her meant letting her go. I fucked that girl up so much. I see that now, I saw it then. But I do still wonder from time to time...I dunno. I am rambling. Maybe we just need to hang out more. But life is always so damn busy. That's how it goes. Time flies until there is no time left.
I am trying. Heading in the right direction I think. And part of that means I should probably write more. So I am going to get back to that. Try to straighten my head out. See if the rest of my life will follow.
"So save your scissors
For someone else's skin
My surface is so tough
I don't think the blade will dig in
Save your strength
Save your wasted time
There's no way that I want you to be left behind
Go on save your scissors
Save your scissors"
-city and colour
I went out tonight for a while, a date of sorts. Actually, I dunno. This girl I've been interested in for months. We hung out for a couple of hours, it was nice. No awkwardness, no forced conversation. Her life is crazy and mine is...well. Yeah. so I don't know when I will be able to hang out with her again, but it was nice to get out for a bit. I am definitely gun shy since the whole Andrea thing. That girl definitely fucked my head up.She came into the grove the other night while I was there. Jen brought her in knowing I was there...I am still not sure why. It so weird how you can know someone isn't good for you. You can know someone treated you like shit, fucked you over, lied the whole bit, but you see them and it's like someone took a bat to your knees. That's how it was when I saw her. We both did our best to pretend like we were really busy, too busy to talk to each other. The bottom line is, she fucked me. I think she should apologize. She doesn't think she did anything wrong. Oh well. Lesson learned.
I am 26 now. Starting to maybe figure out where my place is, what I am supposed to be doing. It's taking forever to get there though. Shit with my mom is still so rocky a lot of the time. I hate that our relationship isn't good. Her health isn't good, hasn't really been for years.I don't want to regret how things are with us if something happens to her. I am scared of that. Scared too that she will die not knowing what I could be. Like, my life will still be in shambles. I want to be ok. I want to be doing well. And I want her to see that. Partly because I don't think she believes I can do it, I want to prove her wrong.And partly because, well, I do love her. And I want her to think she did a good job as a parent. Like one of her kids turned out well, sorta. She will never love all the choices I make, it is just not in me to live like she wants me to. But I hope we can get to a point where she is proud of what I have become. I feel bad for her sometimes...her kids are so fucked up. I want to be that kid that breaks that mold. I want her to know that she did a good job and I turned out well. I just have to get there.
I miss writing poems. I wrote a short one before I started writing this. One of the things Alana and I talked about tonight was how I was published. How I used to be a writer. I think everything goes in cycles. Everything. And maybe I just needed to step back from the writing for a while. For years I guess. I felt like I was getting stale though, and I don't want that. I want to keep growing, to keep learning. I had so many hopes for myself. Basically right now I am not really living up to any of them. Except for photography. I am definitely getting better every day with that. Everything else though has been on pause. Time to hit play. Time to see what I still have in my head that I can bring out. Time to see if I've still got it.
This is from my last entry, a year and a half ago:
Definitely feeling lonely lately. It seems everyone in my life has that person to spend thier time with and affection on. I want to need someone who actually needs me back. Just to feel wanted by those who you want. I haven't really had that since Jess. We all know how that worked out. I talk all this stuff about wanting to be single and being selfish, living my own life and doing things for me. And that is mostly true. But sometimes, you just want to curl up next to someone and reach out to them and have them reaching out to you too. You just want to kiss someone so deeply that it is hard to breathe and you feel all warm in the right places. It's been a while. Shit. I honestly don't know what I am trying to do here with this entry don't know what i am hoping to accomplish i dont know if this is even smart to be putting out there for anyone to read. i am feeling all sorts of fucked up lately. honestly, i am sick of feeling like this. feeling like i may have thrown away the only person who will ever love me the way i love her. regret.
I still feel all of that. Strange. I still miss Jess a lot. I guess you will always miss that person you shared so much of your life with. So much of your heart with. In some ways, I am definitely a better person than I was when we dated. But in some ways, I just don't know if I ever make the right choice. I love her. And loving her meant letting her go. I fucked that girl up so much. I see that now, I saw it then. But I do still wonder from time to time...I dunno. I am rambling. Maybe we just need to hang out more. But life is always so damn busy. That's how it goes. Time flies until there is no time left.
I am trying. Heading in the right direction I think. And part of that means I should probably write more. So I am going to get back to that. Try to straighten my head out. See if the rest of my life will follow.
"So save your scissors
For someone else's skin
My surface is so tough
I don't think the blade will dig in
Save your strength
Save your wasted time
There's no way that I want you to be left behind
Go on save your scissors
Save your scissors"
-city and colour