Here I rest, disappointment and regret collide..laying awake at night
It seems that right now everything that can possibly go wrong is. Both in my life, and the lives of the people I care about the most. I am having a real fucking hard time dealing with everything that is piling up on me. Beyond that, every time I talk to my mom I hear the same lecture. I am so sick and tired of it. I understand that she has lived, she has expierence in certain areas, but I think she gives me no credit. For instance, I have worked at Rubys for over two years. I made a comment about them not firing me, that it's almost impossible, and she went on this rant about how I'm arrogent and don't want to listen. I didn't want to talk about it to begin with. But if we are going to talk, maybe, just maybe I know what I'm talking aobut since I'm the one who works there. Not her. She hasn't waited tables in like 40 years, but she gives me no credit for my expierience. Everyone has a breaking point..I feel like I have reached mine. I am trying to keep it together, and keep other people together too, but I feel lost. I really do.
Jess is in GA again...her father Passed away Tuesday morning. He was sick for a while so it wasn't a shock, but it's so hard on her. She hasn't been doing well anyway, having a hard time keeping herself together...it was definitely very hard on her. I love her with everything I am. We aren't together, and she has done some shit of late that hurts; but I feel the same. I hate that she is going through so much and I can't be there because of what I am going through. We are like two broken ships banging against rocks. His funeral was this morning and I couldn't afford to go. That kills me. THe fact that I never met him..I never got to have a talk, just sit down and bullshit with him, that kills me too. I think he would've liked me. And it was important to her that we meet, but we never did. We had plans to go down in September, but it's too late. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that, I don't. Even if her and I are never to be a "we" again, I wanted to spend time with him. My own selfish bullshit wouldn't allow me to go down to visit when I could have made the trip. I mean, I had some valid money issues at the time, but I probably could have gone. I kept thinking I had time, more time. That's always been my problem...procrasitnation. Putting everything off unitl it burries me. I miss her. I know she is hurting and I can't help. It's eating me up. In cases like these, nothing ever sounds right. No words can help. I just wish I could be there today for her to lean on.
I feel like i have so much potential and I am wasting it all. It's easy for me to see this, to know that I am not fulfilling what I could, but it's hard to know how to do differently. I have this, I don't even know, fierce fucking independence, wanting to do everything alone..the problem is I can't do anything alone. I am floundering around, grasping at whatever I can to keep floating.It's all eating me up inside. Something's gotta give..
"There is something I've been meaning to do
I've been dying to tell you...
I've been, so, damn, tired"
-Guster
Jess is in GA again...her father Passed away Tuesday morning. He was sick for a while so it wasn't a shock, but it's so hard on her. She hasn't been doing well anyway, having a hard time keeping herself together...it was definitely very hard on her. I love her with everything I am. We aren't together, and she has done some shit of late that hurts; but I feel the same. I hate that she is going through so much and I can't be there because of what I am going through. We are like two broken ships banging against rocks. His funeral was this morning and I couldn't afford to go. That kills me. THe fact that I never met him..I never got to have a talk, just sit down and bullshit with him, that kills me too. I think he would've liked me. And it was important to her that we meet, but we never did. We had plans to go down in September, but it's too late. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that, I don't. Even if her and I are never to be a "we" again, I wanted to spend time with him. My own selfish bullshit wouldn't allow me to go down to visit when I could have made the trip. I mean, I had some valid money issues at the time, but I probably could have gone. I kept thinking I had time, more time. That's always been my problem...procrasitnation. Putting everything off unitl it burries me. I miss her. I know she is hurting and I can't help. It's eating me up. In cases like these, nothing ever sounds right. No words can help. I just wish I could be there today for her to lean on.
I feel like i have so much potential and I am wasting it all. It's easy for me to see this, to know that I am not fulfilling what I could, but it's hard to know how to do differently. I have this, I don't even know, fierce fucking independence, wanting to do everything alone..the problem is I can't do anything alone. I am floundering around, grasping at whatever I can to keep floating.It's all eating me up inside. Something's gotta give..
"There is something I've been meaning to do
I've been dying to tell you...
I've been, so, damn, tired"
-Guster