fucking
Last night was just horrible. Alejandro left early that morning, and that night Jimmy, mom and I had an argument that turned into a discussion about her life. And it was just... fucking awful.
I can't even find the words to really express this kind of agony. It's every day of my life, every moment. This is the most horrible pain I've ever felt, and it's just something I've grown accustomed to. I'm not even being melodramatic, although it really does sound that way since I'm posting it on livejournal. It's hard to express it, but it's colored every part of me and the way I am today. Every quirk and failing I can trace back to the fact that I single handedly ruined every single part of everyone's lives. It's monstrous to think of it, how I could open my mouth and tear everything apart forever. How could I be such a hateful person, so selfish, so stupid, so fucking horrible.
I was lying in bed last night and my Mom was ruminating over our conversation, in shock and desolate. She said she realized at last that her entire life since marrying Dad has been a failure, but her biggest failure was not protecting me from what happened. That she was tired, she's been so tired. That maybe it's time for the Lord to call her home.
How many times am I going to have to clap my hands over my heaving sobs because it hits me again how I've ruined everything, how my Mom is going to be alone for the rest of her life. But it really is my fault. All of it. I guess I deserve everything I get. I'm living a borrowed life at an expensive university, traveling all over the world, ignoring the person who needs me the most. I'm a fucking rubbish daughter. It's difficult because these words are so rehashed. I've said them so many times.
But it's all as true and painful now as it was all those years ago. This is the person I really am. That might be why I'm unintentionally sabotaging my relationship with Alejandro, because deep down somewhere the guilt of what I've done to my family, so deeply entrenched in my sense of self, is exerting subtle messages that I'm not worth it. Not worth someone so good and patient and loving. If I failed my family and my Mother so completely, how can I count on myself to ever be good enough for anyone else?
That's all the emo I can really get out. Don't read it.
I can't even find the words to really express this kind of agony. It's every day of my life, every moment. This is the most horrible pain I've ever felt, and it's just something I've grown accustomed to. I'm not even being melodramatic, although it really does sound that way since I'm posting it on livejournal. It's hard to express it, but it's colored every part of me and the way I am today. Every quirk and failing I can trace back to the fact that I single handedly ruined every single part of everyone's lives. It's monstrous to think of it, how I could open my mouth and tear everything apart forever. How could I be such a hateful person, so selfish, so stupid, so fucking horrible.
I was lying in bed last night and my Mom was ruminating over our conversation, in shock and desolate. She said she realized at last that her entire life since marrying Dad has been a failure, but her biggest failure was not protecting me from what happened. That she was tired, she's been so tired. That maybe it's time for the Lord to call her home.
How many times am I going to have to clap my hands over my heaving sobs because it hits me again how I've ruined everything, how my Mom is going to be alone for the rest of her life. But it really is my fault. All of it. I guess I deserve everything I get. I'm living a borrowed life at an expensive university, traveling all over the world, ignoring the person who needs me the most. I'm a fucking rubbish daughter. It's difficult because these words are so rehashed. I've said them so many times.
But it's all as true and painful now as it was all those years ago. This is the person I really am. That might be why I'm unintentionally sabotaging my relationship with Alejandro, because deep down somewhere the guilt of what I've done to my family, so deeply entrenched in my sense of self, is exerting subtle messages that I'm not worth it. Not worth someone so good and patient and loving. If I failed my family and my Mother so completely, how can I count on myself to ever be good enough for anyone else?
That's all the emo I can really get out. Don't read it.