Another Punch To The Gut
Jason told me that he's renting a house in Wash Park with Michelle tonight. :( I sat in the car, previously in a good mood, unable to speak (which I've found myself rendered lately in many situations), using all my remaining strength to avoid puking all over the steering wheel of my truck. I know I brought this on myself, but it still doesn't stop me from being angry and hurt that some other bitch has all the time in the world with MY Jason.
That's something I've been struggling with a lot lately, that I put myself 100% in this situation with Arno and Jason, because of the choices I've made, one after another.
In somewhat good news, my property is off the market. In other words, we are no longer for sale, which makes me somewhat sad, because I won't get my "stay" bonus, but at the same time it solidifies some job security as I'm about to walk forward in the next six months, during the remainder of this year, into absolute fear and shaky ground and uncertainty.
I weighed today, which I do every Sunday, and did not gain or lose this week. Meh. Maybe it had something to do with the 4 beers I drank yesterday and the day before.
I SHOULD be studying for my last final, but I am so lonely and fucked up inside over the fact that this MESS is my life by my own hands (not really as emo as it sounds) that I cannot focus. I've been watching MXC on Spike and eating low calorie popcicles. I fuckin' hate that everything in my life is going beautifully but that I'm starting to hate the choices I made with Jason. I don't see any coming back from this one, and while it was always awful of me to believe that he was my comfort zone, the one that would always be there for me, it's horrible that he's led me on this whole time and said that he would never move in with her and that it's not that kind of relationship. I should know better.
I don't want to grow older if it means that this numb, certain, and painless cynacism is part of every day of my life.
That's something I've been struggling with a lot lately, that I put myself 100% in this situation with Arno and Jason, because of the choices I've made, one after another.
In somewhat good news, my property is off the market. In other words, we are no longer for sale, which makes me somewhat sad, because I won't get my "stay" bonus, but at the same time it solidifies some job security as I'm about to walk forward in the next six months, during the remainder of this year, into absolute fear and shaky ground and uncertainty.
I weighed today, which I do every Sunday, and did not gain or lose this week. Meh. Maybe it had something to do with the 4 beers I drank yesterday and the day before.
I SHOULD be studying for my last final, but I am so lonely and fucked up inside over the fact that this MESS is my life by my own hands (not really as emo as it sounds) that I cannot focus. I've been watching MXC on Spike and eating low calorie popcicles. I fuckin' hate that everything in my life is going beautifully but that I'm starting to hate the choices I made with Jason. I don't see any coming back from this one, and while it was always awful of me to believe that he was my comfort zone, the one that would always be there for me, it's horrible that he's led me on this whole time and said that he would never move in with her and that it's not that kind of relationship. I should know better.
I don't want to grow older if it means that this numb, certain, and painless cynacism is part of every day of my life.