Comfortable or uncomfortable
I don't think there's any question that I am totally, completely, a mess. Still.
I'm thinking about my inappropriate conversation on Friday night with the young lady. As it goes, I immediately regretted it afterward. I once again realized that my desire to be with someone is not necessarily well-intentioned, and it is definitely not good timing. Hormones and love are not the same thing, as well, human love and divine love are definitely not the same thing.
I've come across several quotes in the past relative to these circumstances, and because of the situation Friday night, I was quickly reminded of those things.
"Don't use other people as a scratching post for your desires."
"Until you get comfortable with being alone, you'll never know if you're choosing someone out of love or loneliness."
Which brings me to my current state. I am doing better, but I am NOT okay. I gauge this based on the fact that while I am not having dark thoughts anymore, and not waking up with my first thought being, "I don't want to wake up ever again," I have still refused to heal. I have still refused to reach out for healing on a large scale. Occasionally, I will have the courage to talk with someone who knows me well, and I see this as progress--but it is minimal progress at best. I don't disregard the progress, but I know I am far from 'okay'.
One of my biggest struggles is when people tell me I am a good person. I immediately feel shame and guilt when those words are given to me, because the things that I've done wrong immediately come to mind. My heart fights against the notion that I am good, telling me that there are no amount of good things I can perform to undo the pain and damage that I have done to myself and others.
Even last night, I was visiting with someone in a dream, who told me, "You are a good person." I looked away in shame and pain. I wish I could recall who it had been, but I feel that is far less important than the actual message.
One of my colleagues last week told me about a family that I helped take care of, and how she happened to see the wife in public recently. She told my colleague how very thankful she was for caring for her family, but that she especially remembered me, because I prayed with them in their time of need. Praying with others is something that I try to do consistently, not because I feel I am a good person, but in the belief that even if I am not saved, at least maybe my prayers can help others find hope and faith in God.
I told my colleague, "I tend to believe that's less a 'me' thing, and more a God thing." She replied that while that may be true, people can see God at work in me. I tried to drown those words out, although I can obviously easily recall them.
The deal is that I am not comfortable alone. I'm better, but I wouldn't call better the same as comfortable in my own skin. But I also believe that being uncomfortable is part of Christian life. God challenges us with uncomfortable situations so we have opportunities to grow in His ways...if we choose correctly.
Once again, I feel as if I'm coming to a crossroad. I'm struggling with school, but I'm determined to make it through because it is the only vehicle I have to reach my goal of traveling far and wide. In the meantime, I have to struggle with who I am and where I am at. I started facebook a few months ago, and while I disliked the idea of being on it, I was being reminded time after time that there were people who needed my words.
Unfortunately, I also realize that facebook can become a problem, and at this point, I see it more as a problem for myself than a good thing for others. I am at least contemplating the idea of deactivating it for a time after my vacation so it is no longer such a reticent distraction for me.
Despite my desire to disconnect from technology, I have made no true effort to do so. The woman that I wronged so deeply in the past has made no more attempts to contact me, which hurts, but I feel it is best at this time.
I feel something impending, something inside me requesting to start really doing the work that is going to decide if I can be saved or not.
And I guess it's enough of a nagging sensation that I am finally paying attention to it.
I'm thinking about my inappropriate conversation on Friday night with the young lady. As it goes, I immediately regretted it afterward. I once again realized that my desire to be with someone is not necessarily well-intentioned, and it is definitely not good timing. Hormones and love are not the same thing, as well, human love and divine love are definitely not the same thing.
I've come across several quotes in the past relative to these circumstances, and because of the situation Friday night, I was quickly reminded of those things.
"Don't use other people as a scratching post for your desires."
"Until you get comfortable with being alone, you'll never know if you're choosing someone out of love or loneliness."
Which brings me to my current state. I am doing better, but I am NOT okay. I gauge this based on the fact that while I am not having dark thoughts anymore, and not waking up with my first thought being, "I don't want to wake up ever again," I have still refused to heal. I have still refused to reach out for healing on a large scale. Occasionally, I will have the courage to talk with someone who knows me well, and I see this as progress--but it is minimal progress at best. I don't disregard the progress, but I know I am far from 'okay'.
One of my biggest struggles is when people tell me I am a good person. I immediately feel shame and guilt when those words are given to me, because the things that I've done wrong immediately come to mind. My heart fights against the notion that I am good, telling me that there are no amount of good things I can perform to undo the pain and damage that I have done to myself and others.
Even last night, I was visiting with someone in a dream, who told me, "You are a good person." I looked away in shame and pain. I wish I could recall who it had been, but I feel that is far less important than the actual message.
One of my colleagues last week told me about a family that I helped take care of, and how she happened to see the wife in public recently. She told my colleague how very thankful she was for caring for her family, but that she especially remembered me, because I prayed with them in their time of need. Praying with others is something that I try to do consistently, not because I feel I am a good person, but in the belief that even if I am not saved, at least maybe my prayers can help others find hope and faith in God.
I told my colleague, "I tend to believe that's less a 'me' thing, and more a God thing." She replied that while that may be true, people can see God at work in me. I tried to drown those words out, although I can obviously easily recall them.
The deal is that I am not comfortable alone. I'm better, but I wouldn't call better the same as comfortable in my own skin. But I also believe that being uncomfortable is part of Christian life. God challenges us with uncomfortable situations so we have opportunities to grow in His ways...if we choose correctly.
Once again, I feel as if I'm coming to a crossroad. I'm struggling with school, but I'm determined to make it through because it is the only vehicle I have to reach my goal of traveling far and wide. In the meantime, I have to struggle with who I am and where I am at. I started facebook a few months ago, and while I disliked the idea of being on it, I was being reminded time after time that there were people who needed my words.
Unfortunately, I also realize that facebook can become a problem, and at this point, I see it more as a problem for myself than a good thing for others. I am at least contemplating the idea of deactivating it for a time after my vacation so it is no longer such a reticent distraction for me.
Despite my desire to disconnect from technology, I have made no true effort to do so. The woman that I wronged so deeply in the past has made no more attempts to contact me, which hurts, but I feel it is best at this time.
I feel something impending, something inside me requesting to start really doing the work that is going to decide if I can be saved or not.
And I guess it's enough of a nagging sensation that I am finally paying attention to it.