Tangerine
Title is Led Zeppelin's song name, song which is "a perfect picture of a past relationship that hasn't quite lost its ache in the recollection." Felt fitting. This is.. incomplete, but I had half of it for so long in drafts, just now I got the sudden urge to write more and I decided to post.
warnings: adultery, emotional abuse, alcohol use, sex, swearing
"You should stop," it was a whisper, really, not like he was actually terrified of him, but there was a sense of apprehension because it was almost certain he would lash out at him, "It's unhealthy, and you're hurting him. He can't draw the line, so it's your job to do it." Hesitance weakened the grasp on his shoulder, almost frail and lips tilted lopsidedly, shakiness tainting his tone. "I've grown fond of him, and I don't want to see him like this. Wrecked. Destroyed. Toyed with." Hakyeon's lips tightened at that, an eyebrow cocked accusatorily, a sharp smile and words pouring with venom.
"Grown fond of him? Don't tell me you have a pathetic little crush on Wonshik. You know he sees no one else but me." Each word was spat with acidity, glower almost intimidating. Jaehwan had to admit he wondered why they were friends in the instances Hakyeon was behaving like this.
"Don't be stupid." The hand clutching his shoulder had fallen and Jaehwan shook his head with a defeated expression on his face. Bitter. "Let him go. Stop beckoning him like a dog whenever you please." Hakyeon scoffed at that, the almost sardonic smile still pasted on his face. "I don't do anything he doesn't want me to. I bet you're just envious."
"Envious of what? That you're playing around with someone's feelings? That you're trampling on their dignity? Fucking hell, Hakyeon, he's a toy for you and that is not in any way alright for anyone. Stop messing with him and let him be happy!" Jaehwan snapped. Hakyeon's expression faltered for a moment, but nonetheless he remained impassive.
"Get out." He gritted out, fingers clenching in the fleshy top part of his palm, nails cutting into the skin. "Get out before I call security to get you out." Jaehwan cursed, adjusting the collar of his shirt that Hakyeon had just wrinkled seconds ago. "And I don't want you to see Wonshik anymore." A laughter erupted, and Jaehwan stabbed his finger into Hakyeon's chest, the chuckles dwindling and a somber smile stretched his lips.
"I am not one to be ordered. Maybe you can charm everyone else and tell them what to do, but not me, Hakyeon. I'm not surrendering to you. To me, you are the pathetic one." Each word was punctuated with a louder and louder voice, lips closing tight and with finality, leaving no room for Hakyeon to say anything more, stunned into silence. Anger brewed within him. Jaehwan was already gone.
He needed Wonshik.
The bouquet of roses and azaleas was resting at the edge of his desk, the pretty colors spilling downwards and he concentrated on it for a few seconds, mind whirling. Wonshik's groan of pain from below made him focus again, and he'd realized he was whining because he pounded into him too hard and his back must have hit the dense wood painfully. With a soft smile, he pulled out and slumped on the swiveling chair just behind, pushed the sweaty bangs from his forehead as he took a deep breath.
"Ride me, Shik-ah."
Wonshik was too drunk on pleasure to care if the chair was actually going to support both their weights, thighs sliding over Hakyeon's as he settled on his lap, swallowing hard before taking him in again, Hakyeon's nails raking down his back and the sides of his waist making him shiver. A cry fell from his lips, mouth lowering to bite onto Hakyeon's shoulder, the rows of teeth leaving deep, rosy marks that would sting and hurt and take long to fade. Hakyeon's reaction was only a deep, pleased grunt in his throat, eyes fluttering closed, satisfaction gushing through him as he released. The snaps of Wonshik's hips became desperate, a long continuous whine filling the room, one that made Hakyeon laugh, because the desperation was cute and he was so, so tempted to shove him away; but surprisingly he found himself kinder, shushing Wonshik's cries with his lips as his fingers wrapped around the hilt of his cock and stroked, giving him what he wanted.
"For you." Hakyeon slid the stem of the red rose through his fingers and Wonshik was reserved and baffled. Hakyeon giggled quite fondly at the expression adorning his face, befuddlement dressing his features when Wonshik slightly pressed the rose to his chest, slipping it through his fingers instead.
"You know.. " Wonshik began, body still languidly draped over Hakyeon's desk, sliding close, even though he was perfectly aware Hakyeon avoided intimacy after sex was done, "You're like a rose. Beautiful and thorny."
Hakyeon's smile dropped and his stomach clenched. "Should I feel flattered?" He asked, and Wonshik could detect a mild uneasiness slipped into his tone.
"It hurts so much if you hold it too tightly." Wonshik continued, a cigarette being held between his fingers before he brought it to his lips and let the smoke curl around them. "But you still let yourself be fascinated by the beauty, so enraptured you don't even notice the blood dripping down your hands." Hakyeon's expression shifted, blankness taking over and he slithered away, buttoned up his shirt and wore his jacket.
"Then you should let go." It was flat, and Wonshik hated the moments when he couldn't pry into Hakyeon's thoughts; it left him almost scared - he needed the littlest reassurance, but when it came to Hakyeon, things were nothing but complicated, a swirl of maddening thoughts and feelings.
"For some of us, it's too late." Wonshik chuckled bitterly before he closed his mouth over Hakyeon's, nails clawing at his shoulders as he discarded his jacket and flung it over the chair, popped the buttons open before he hungrily pressed him flush against the wall and fucked him just like that - he wanted him to limp, he wanted him to hurt. Quickening thrusts and labored breaths and desperate kisses.
Heart to heart talk wasn't something Hakyeon was good at. His fingers trembled around the cup of hot coffee, the trails of tears on his cheeks now dry, skin peeling coarsely and Hakyeon picked at it with his nails, clicked his tongue. "I look all ugly now." He complained, much to himself, letting the sweet and hot liquid surge through his parched throat. Wonshik took a glance at him, legs tucked underneath himself and let out a tiny sigh as Hakyeon leaned into him, sides pressed together intimately and his pulse soared.
Hakyeon was beautiful. He always was, the thorny edges of his soul never tarnishing the outward beauty; charming and incredibly gorgeous, breathtaking. A beautiful pain embodied. Wonshik was obsessed with it.
"Are you going to leave?" Wonshik inquired, having already prepared the silken sheets he knew Hakyeon loved, but nevertheless being ready for whatever outcome. Hakyeon rarely stayed over night. Tonight was no exception. "I have to take a shower, drive to the company for a bit and then home." Even though he expected it, it didn't hurt any less; it wasn't a straightforward rejection but it always felt like so, a churning pain emerging in his gut. "If you want other clothes, just search in the closet. You have left some here last time. They are clean."
Hakyeon hummed, staring at the inside bottom of his cup, coffee all guzzled and warmth pinching at his skin. He felt a tad better, cheeks pinkening with embarrassment because he'd just broken down, pathetically, but it was in front of Wonshik and he knew the other man would never mention it again.
Forgotten. Never happened.
Hakyeon dispensed with his clothes just there, in the middle of the room, hips sashaying just a little as he struggled to get out of the way too tight jeans, fingers clenching into the hem of his shirt to then throw it over his head. Wonshik watched, there was no bashfulness coating the actions of either of them, way too used to all of this; it was a limbo - being tempted, giving in - one that Wonshik feared he'd never get his way out of. He followed Hakyeon in almost automatic motion, clothes left haphazardly on the floor as he joined him into the cubicle, pressed fingers into his shoulders to soothe the worn out muscles, littered kisses over his chest, his scalp, his face.
Wonshik smoked the rest of the night, trying to smother the scent of Hakyeon that pervaded, stubbornly, even though he knew from the very beginning it was futile. Hakyeon was present permanently, branded in his heart, running on his mind.
Hakyeon pushed him against the counter and Wonshik almost squeaked, barely suppressing the sound sliding from his throat, fingers sunk in Hakyeon's shoulder blades and desperately trying to shove him away. Hakyeon kissed him, sucking on his lower lip before prodding at the seam of his lips with his tongue and slipping in, the intensity of it making Wonshik's mind reel - never mind that they were in Hakyeon's kitchen, never mind that his wife was just a few rooms away - Hakyeon's hands slid up his cheeks and kissed him harder, leaving him breathless in the aftermath, lips glistening as his chest heaved, legs turning to water. Hakyeon's lips curled into a smile tainted with playfulness, a smirk really, the racing of his heart making his skin tingle with excitement.
Hayoon slid in just as he was smoothing down the wrinkles on his shirt and glancing at how lovely the heat risen in Wonshik's cheeks looked.
"Honey, I think this shirt wasn't ironed properly." He whined, more mischievous than anything as he pointed at the creases and Hayoon furrowed her brow with a seemingly guilty smile twisting her lips. "Wonshik is leaving. I'm just gonna say good bye and come back, alright?" Wonshik petted her hair and the small smile she offered him made his heart sting.
He already had it figured it that Hakyeon was up to no good, but there was still surprise flashing on his face as Hakyeon slid into the car as well, a devious grin curving his lips, eyes glinting dangerously.
"Get your pants off."
Wonshik tilted his head, tightened his lips and his grip on the steering wheel.
"You're fucking insane."
He looked away, having no thoughts of succumbing but alas, his resistance bore no fruit. Hakyeon took matter into his own hands and with a scoff, unfastened Wonshik's belt and slapped at his thigh for him to rise just a bit, pants and briefs pooling around his ankles. Wonshik sighed as he turned to kiss Hakyeon, fast and bruising, and Hakyeon whimpered. He pulled down his pants and briefs and sat on Wonshik, back turned to him, the already clammy skin making the clothing stick to it. He keened as he lowered and Wonshik cursed at how was easily he'd been encased, stifling a grunt at the heat and slickness surrounding him.
"I prepared myself earlier." Hakyeon fizzled out his confusion, words spilled with delirious mirth as he started bouncing, supporting himself with his forearms atop the dashboard. Wonshik groaned, barely managing to choke out, "Hayoon will come." Breath warm against Hakyeon's neck, teeth grazing against the smooth, salty skin. "She won't. I will come." Wonshik could almost hear the smile in Hakyeon's voice, all of his other thoughts drowned out by Hakyeon's breathy, slightly high-pitched moans and he couldn't last long. Pleasure sated him and he growled against Hakyeon's back, nails dipping into Hakyeon's thighs. Hakyeon had laughed, fingers brushing at the base of his cock and curling around it, the pumps making his breathing heavier.
"Wonshikkie. So soon? You're cute."
Wonshik only keened, kissed over and over on his nape and slapped Hakyeon's hand away, prompting him to still, a loud gasp escaping his throat. Hakyeon arched forward, head hanging and eyes closed as he rutted into the hand, chasing his bliss fervently. He spilled in Wonshik's fist, almost sobbing as the pleasure rocked through him, body falling limp against a firm chest. His breathing calmed and as he glanced at the digital clock, he noticed with scarcely suppressed enthusiasm only ten minutes had passed. He felt the pain shoot up his spine and grinned.
"Go, Hakyeon."
Wonshik's voice was small, almost ashamed, urging Hakyeon to move with palms grasping at the sides of his waist. Hakyeon moved and messily pulled his pants up, almost failing to stand on his own legs the second he'd got out of the vehicle. He'd leaned on the windowsill, slicked tufts of hair tousled and Wonshik arranged them almost carefully, pushing the strands into place.
"Shik-ah."
Hakyeon called, beam still on his lips and Wonshik thought he was glowing, a shine in his eyes that made him look almost innocent and so, so elated.
"Kiss me."
Wonshik's pulse picked up again and his stomach turned - he despised moments like these, moments when he could tell how in love he was, how smitten and completely, utterly whipped, willing to do anything just to make Hakyeon smile, including having himself suffer. He pulled him close, palm cupping the warm cheek and kissed him tenderly, lingering until he could feel his chest constrict, the rush of air invading his lungs afterwards leaving him dizzy.
Hakyeon was unpredictable, adventurous sometimes. Wonshik would rather make love to him on a bed, but Hakyeon always got different, better ideas as he said. Wonshik complied with each of it, maybe because Hakyeon turned loving after a wild ride, and Wonshik relished that lingering affection. Needless to say, he was taken aback when it first happened, having long given up on it - Hakyeon snuggling against his chest, tawny skin shimmery with sweat and his mouth sweet against his, deep, soulful kisses that were so foreign to Wonshik. But then he only wished for more. For too much. Too much that Hakyeon wouldn't give. He could only deal with that much, the sickening burden to hide, the shortcoming of not having Hakyeon wholly to himself.
"I'm leaving." The morning was sunny and pleasant, sun rays spilling through the windows. Hakyeon was seated, pulling at his tie while looking at him with a piqued and curious expression. Beautiful, clad in a moulding suit and immaculately coiffed. He was serene, a calculated smile showing as he tilted his head.
"Where to?"
"Anywhere. Away from you." Wonshik replied, rushed, breathless.
"You'll come back to me." Hakyeon countered calmly, eyes however fiery and anger laying mostly dormant, for now.
"You are a fucking coward, Hakyeon." Wonshik spat, with more malice than Hakyeon thought he could ever muster. His eyes went wide. His collar was grabbed, a tight grip that hurt him. "You love me, too, but you are too fucking scared to get out of your bubble of pretend. You got too good at acting like you don't fucking care. That it doesn't eat at you inside. That you aren't fucking trapped." Wonshik loosened his grip and backed away. "I can't live like this anymore." His eyes watered.
"Get out." Hakyeon's teeth gnashed together. "Get the fuck out. Leave."
Wonshik did leave.
Jaehwan helped Wonshik get out of the country, Hakyeon found out. Hakyeon stopped talking to him, stopped talking to anybody. It burned at him, the need to know where Wonshik was, if he was alright, but he selfishly wished he was as miserable as he was, moping around as he was, wished he yearned for him as painfully as he was. What he refused to come to terms with surfaced in the most harrowing way.
Hayoon got pregnant. It wasn't his baby, obviously - he hadn't touched her since a long, long time ago. He found it in himself to crack a smile, a guilty smile that he was the sole responsible for the pain the both of them went through; if only he was less stubborn, and more courageous. Before she left, Hayoon told him she knew, and Hakyeon was impassive, surprise being out of the question. They had been so obvious. He wondered if Hayoon ever actually loved him. He hoped she didn't, he had done enough damage as it was.
The realization didn't come to him as fast as lightning, but slowly, hitting old wounds and opening fresh ones. He had been a coward. Maybe all of his life. Pouring out all of his worries to Wonshik, laying himself vulnerable; talking about the unbreakable rules in his home, and about how he broke the first one when he was fifteen and kissed a boy. How scared he was anyone would find out. How he suppressed any other similar urges - until Wonshik came along.
Sweet, yielding Wonshik who was the unfortunate one to have fallen in love with him.
It was a year before he got out of his stupor and decided to find Wonshik, just to ask for forgiveness, if nothing more was possible. He begged Jaehwan on his knees, humiliated at first, but he pressed on, eventually divesting any bit of pride. Jaehwan was ruthless. He was the only person who knew where Wonshik fled to, and he was solidly set on being unhelpful. Hakyeon cried by himself that night, body racked with loud sobs, powerless.
Jaehwan softened only after a couple months and endless attempts of Hakyeon's - no matter how malicious he had been, Jaehwan knew Hakyeon was not a bad person. He only wanted to make sure the persistence wouldn't wear off too soon and he wanted to feel his sincerity. Bit by bit, he managed to regain his trust. Hakyeon wept in Jaehwan's arms when he learnt about Wonshik's whereabouts.
Sweden was cold, but inviting. There was a comforting chilliness in the air and Hakyeon found himself smiling, stomach churning. Jaehwan told him the exact place Wonshik stayed at, but Hakyeon once again realized he was a coward, drinking himself to sleep for a fortnight before he actually managed to step outside again. As if fate was playing with him, it was an uncharacteristic day, luminous and warm, and his gut twisted at the thought of having to endure Wonshik leaving again. He didn't know if he could take it.
Wonshik's house was small and cozy-looking. It was eerily comforting, really, the atmosphere; people strolling around with smiles on their lips, delighted at the lovely weather. It almost made him smile, as well. He didn't know for how long he stood there. It might have been minutes, or hours. Immobile, his gaze burning into the door in front of him. Three gentle knocks came at last. And Hakyeon's heart sank to his stomach. Wonshik was beautiful, hair white as snow, his dwindling chuckle stopping the instant he saw him. He misssed that. He missed his loud laughter. He missed it so much, he thought he would burst into sobs right then and there. But what he got to say was too important to simply neglect like that. Before he could open his mouth, a guy emerged behind Wonshik and announced his leave cheerfully, said he would see him next time. Wonshik nodded weakly at that. Hakyeon ignored the unfamiliar guy's prying glances, trying to swallow the bitterness in his throat. It was alright. Wonshik was free. Free to do whatever he wanted, with whoever he wanted. But it didn't mean it didn't make Hakyeon sick to the stomach.
Hakyeon expected to get punched. He didn't expect a meek imploration.
"Please, leave." Wonshik didn't even look at him, already reaching for the doorknob, but Hakyeon was too desperate to let this chance pass up.
"I came here.. to tell you I was so fucking wrong. I did you so wrong." He choked up and Wonshik's attention shifted to him again. His body trembled as he fought off his own tears.
"I forgive you." Wonshik mumbled, eyes downcast again, nails sinking into his palm with how strongly he was holding himself back. It hurt. It still hurt. He still longed. "Now, leave."
Hakyeon was angry. It wasn't supposed to be so easy. He finally managed to lock gazes with Wonshik and he felt like throwing up. Everything coming back to him at once. Tears prickling at the corners of his eyes, throat burning, heart stammering. It was too much, felt at once.
"You came here because of us. Because it reminds you of me."
It was too confident, yet Hakyeon was almost certain of it. There was no other explanation. Flashes of fingers intertwined and happy smiles flew through Wonshik's mind. He cleared his throat; though he was seemingly composed, Hakyeon could feel the impending onslaught. He thought he had braced himself for it.
"Yeah," Wonshik didn't deny, tone firm, "it reminded me of us. How we walked hand in hand on this very road, do you remember, Hakyeon?" Hakyeon almost let out a happy sob at finally hearing Wonshik call his name again, "You were so affectionate. So open. So fearless." Wonshik's tone started to crumble, wavering as tears gathered. "I almost thought you actually-"
"I did," Hakyeon interrupted with a watery smile, "I still do. I still love you."
Wonshik's tears fell. He imagined he would hear this, one day, so many, many times he thought he envisioned every scenario possible - but this hasn't crossed his mind. And as pitiful as their situation was, his heart still pounded fast, shaking his rib cage. Tears and more tears cascaded down and he sank to the ground, Hakyeon coming down with him, holding him close, his body quivering even harder than his was, his tears getting soaked into his shirt.
Hours later, Hakyeon drank the hot, hot tea slowly, bloodshot eyes still stinging, but he felt inexplicably happy, his thigh pressed against Wonshik's.
"Just.. let me be around you. I feel like I'm going crazy." He confessed with a self-pitying chuckle, "Let me be your friend." Wonshik's lips twisted in a small, but somewhat solaced smile.
"Friends.. Yeah. Okay." He said softly, looking at Hakyeon with the same peaceful smile - it was incredible, not to feel the storm ravaging him inside. There were still so many residual emotions to be dealt with, but for now, Wonshik was strangely tranquil.
"I'm still gonna woo you. Every single day." Hakyeon's shameless scheme amused Wonshik, pulled a hearty chuckle out of him. "We'll see about that."
"You look beautiful tonight, Shik-ah."
Wonshik only grinned shyly.
Refrained from telling Hakyeon that he was just as pretty as he remembered.
warnings: adultery, emotional abuse, alcohol use, sex, swearing
"You should stop," it was a whisper, really, not like he was actually terrified of him, but there was a sense of apprehension because it was almost certain he would lash out at him, "It's unhealthy, and you're hurting him. He can't draw the line, so it's your job to do it." Hesitance weakened the grasp on his shoulder, almost frail and lips tilted lopsidedly, shakiness tainting his tone. "I've grown fond of him, and I don't want to see him like this. Wrecked. Destroyed. Toyed with." Hakyeon's lips tightened at that, an eyebrow cocked accusatorily, a sharp smile and words pouring with venom.
"Grown fond of him? Don't tell me you have a pathetic little crush on Wonshik. You know he sees no one else but me." Each word was spat with acidity, glower almost intimidating. Jaehwan had to admit he wondered why they were friends in the instances Hakyeon was behaving like this.
"Don't be stupid." The hand clutching his shoulder had fallen and Jaehwan shook his head with a defeated expression on his face. Bitter. "Let him go. Stop beckoning him like a dog whenever you please." Hakyeon scoffed at that, the almost sardonic smile still pasted on his face. "I don't do anything he doesn't want me to. I bet you're just envious."
"Envious of what? That you're playing around with someone's feelings? That you're trampling on their dignity? Fucking hell, Hakyeon, he's a toy for you and that is not in any way alright for anyone. Stop messing with him and let him be happy!" Jaehwan snapped. Hakyeon's expression faltered for a moment, but nonetheless he remained impassive.
"Get out." He gritted out, fingers clenching in the fleshy top part of his palm, nails cutting into the skin. "Get out before I call security to get you out." Jaehwan cursed, adjusting the collar of his shirt that Hakyeon had just wrinkled seconds ago. "And I don't want you to see Wonshik anymore." A laughter erupted, and Jaehwan stabbed his finger into Hakyeon's chest, the chuckles dwindling and a somber smile stretched his lips.
"I am not one to be ordered. Maybe you can charm everyone else and tell them what to do, but not me, Hakyeon. I'm not surrendering to you. To me, you are the pathetic one." Each word was punctuated with a louder and louder voice, lips closing tight and with finality, leaving no room for Hakyeon to say anything more, stunned into silence. Anger brewed within him. Jaehwan was already gone.
He needed Wonshik.
The bouquet of roses and azaleas was resting at the edge of his desk, the pretty colors spilling downwards and he concentrated on it for a few seconds, mind whirling. Wonshik's groan of pain from below made him focus again, and he'd realized he was whining because he pounded into him too hard and his back must have hit the dense wood painfully. With a soft smile, he pulled out and slumped on the swiveling chair just behind, pushed the sweaty bangs from his forehead as he took a deep breath.
"Ride me, Shik-ah."
Wonshik was too drunk on pleasure to care if the chair was actually going to support both their weights, thighs sliding over Hakyeon's as he settled on his lap, swallowing hard before taking him in again, Hakyeon's nails raking down his back and the sides of his waist making him shiver. A cry fell from his lips, mouth lowering to bite onto Hakyeon's shoulder, the rows of teeth leaving deep, rosy marks that would sting and hurt and take long to fade. Hakyeon's reaction was only a deep, pleased grunt in his throat, eyes fluttering closed, satisfaction gushing through him as he released. The snaps of Wonshik's hips became desperate, a long continuous whine filling the room, one that made Hakyeon laugh, because the desperation was cute and he was so, so tempted to shove him away; but surprisingly he found himself kinder, shushing Wonshik's cries with his lips as his fingers wrapped around the hilt of his cock and stroked, giving him what he wanted.
"For you." Hakyeon slid the stem of the red rose through his fingers and Wonshik was reserved and baffled. Hakyeon giggled quite fondly at the expression adorning his face, befuddlement dressing his features when Wonshik slightly pressed the rose to his chest, slipping it through his fingers instead.
"You know.. " Wonshik began, body still languidly draped over Hakyeon's desk, sliding close, even though he was perfectly aware Hakyeon avoided intimacy after sex was done, "You're like a rose. Beautiful and thorny."
Hakyeon's smile dropped and his stomach clenched. "Should I feel flattered?" He asked, and Wonshik could detect a mild uneasiness slipped into his tone.
"It hurts so much if you hold it too tightly." Wonshik continued, a cigarette being held between his fingers before he brought it to his lips and let the smoke curl around them. "But you still let yourself be fascinated by the beauty, so enraptured you don't even notice the blood dripping down your hands." Hakyeon's expression shifted, blankness taking over and he slithered away, buttoned up his shirt and wore his jacket.
"Then you should let go." It was flat, and Wonshik hated the moments when he couldn't pry into Hakyeon's thoughts; it left him almost scared - he needed the littlest reassurance, but when it came to Hakyeon, things were nothing but complicated, a swirl of maddening thoughts and feelings.
"For some of us, it's too late." Wonshik chuckled bitterly before he closed his mouth over Hakyeon's, nails clawing at his shoulders as he discarded his jacket and flung it over the chair, popped the buttons open before he hungrily pressed him flush against the wall and fucked him just like that - he wanted him to limp, he wanted him to hurt. Quickening thrusts and labored breaths and desperate kisses.
Heart to heart talk wasn't something Hakyeon was good at. His fingers trembled around the cup of hot coffee, the trails of tears on his cheeks now dry, skin peeling coarsely and Hakyeon picked at it with his nails, clicked his tongue. "I look all ugly now." He complained, much to himself, letting the sweet and hot liquid surge through his parched throat. Wonshik took a glance at him, legs tucked underneath himself and let out a tiny sigh as Hakyeon leaned into him, sides pressed together intimately and his pulse soared.
Hakyeon was beautiful. He always was, the thorny edges of his soul never tarnishing the outward beauty; charming and incredibly gorgeous, breathtaking. A beautiful pain embodied. Wonshik was obsessed with it.
"Are you going to leave?" Wonshik inquired, having already prepared the silken sheets he knew Hakyeon loved, but nevertheless being ready for whatever outcome. Hakyeon rarely stayed over night. Tonight was no exception. "I have to take a shower, drive to the company for a bit and then home." Even though he expected it, it didn't hurt any less; it wasn't a straightforward rejection but it always felt like so, a churning pain emerging in his gut. "If you want other clothes, just search in the closet. You have left some here last time. They are clean."
Hakyeon hummed, staring at the inside bottom of his cup, coffee all guzzled and warmth pinching at his skin. He felt a tad better, cheeks pinkening with embarrassment because he'd just broken down, pathetically, but it was in front of Wonshik and he knew the other man would never mention it again.
Forgotten. Never happened.
Hakyeon dispensed with his clothes just there, in the middle of the room, hips sashaying just a little as he struggled to get out of the way too tight jeans, fingers clenching into the hem of his shirt to then throw it over his head. Wonshik watched, there was no bashfulness coating the actions of either of them, way too used to all of this; it was a limbo - being tempted, giving in - one that Wonshik feared he'd never get his way out of. He followed Hakyeon in almost automatic motion, clothes left haphazardly on the floor as he joined him into the cubicle, pressed fingers into his shoulders to soothe the worn out muscles, littered kisses over his chest, his scalp, his face.
Wonshik smoked the rest of the night, trying to smother the scent of Hakyeon that pervaded, stubbornly, even though he knew from the very beginning it was futile. Hakyeon was present permanently, branded in his heart, running on his mind.
Hakyeon pushed him against the counter and Wonshik almost squeaked, barely suppressing the sound sliding from his throat, fingers sunk in Hakyeon's shoulder blades and desperately trying to shove him away. Hakyeon kissed him, sucking on his lower lip before prodding at the seam of his lips with his tongue and slipping in, the intensity of it making Wonshik's mind reel - never mind that they were in Hakyeon's kitchen, never mind that his wife was just a few rooms away - Hakyeon's hands slid up his cheeks and kissed him harder, leaving him breathless in the aftermath, lips glistening as his chest heaved, legs turning to water. Hakyeon's lips curled into a smile tainted with playfulness, a smirk really, the racing of his heart making his skin tingle with excitement.
Hayoon slid in just as he was smoothing down the wrinkles on his shirt and glancing at how lovely the heat risen in Wonshik's cheeks looked.
"Honey, I think this shirt wasn't ironed properly." He whined, more mischievous than anything as he pointed at the creases and Hayoon furrowed her brow with a seemingly guilty smile twisting her lips. "Wonshik is leaving. I'm just gonna say good bye and come back, alright?" Wonshik petted her hair and the small smile she offered him made his heart sting.
He already had it figured it that Hakyeon was up to no good, but there was still surprise flashing on his face as Hakyeon slid into the car as well, a devious grin curving his lips, eyes glinting dangerously.
"Get your pants off."
Wonshik tilted his head, tightened his lips and his grip on the steering wheel.
"You're fucking insane."
He looked away, having no thoughts of succumbing but alas, his resistance bore no fruit. Hakyeon took matter into his own hands and with a scoff, unfastened Wonshik's belt and slapped at his thigh for him to rise just a bit, pants and briefs pooling around his ankles. Wonshik sighed as he turned to kiss Hakyeon, fast and bruising, and Hakyeon whimpered. He pulled down his pants and briefs and sat on Wonshik, back turned to him, the already clammy skin making the clothing stick to it. He keened as he lowered and Wonshik cursed at how was easily he'd been encased, stifling a grunt at the heat and slickness surrounding him.
"I prepared myself earlier." Hakyeon fizzled out his confusion, words spilled with delirious mirth as he started bouncing, supporting himself with his forearms atop the dashboard. Wonshik groaned, barely managing to choke out, "Hayoon will come." Breath warm against Hakyeon's neck, teeth grazing against the smooth, salty skin. "She won't. I will come." Wonshik could almost hear the smile in Hakyeon's voice, all of his other thoughts drowned out by Hakyeon's breathy, slightly high-pitched moans and he couldn't last long. Pleasure sated him and he growled against Hakyeon's back, nails dipping into Hakyeon's thighs. Hakyeon had laughed, fingers brushing at the base of his cock and curling around it, the pumps making his breathing heavier.
"Wonshikkie. So soon? You're cute."
Wonshik only keened, kissed over and over on his nape and slapped Hakyeon's hand away, prompting him to still, a loud gasp escaping his throat. Hakyeon arched forward, head hanging and eyes closed as he rutted into the hand, chasing his bliss fervently. He spilled in Wonshik's fist, almost sobbing as the pleasure rocked through him, body falling limp against a firm chest. His breathing calmed and as he glanced at the digital clock, he noticed with scarcely suppressed enthusiasm only ten minutes had passed. He felt the pain shoot up his spine and grinned.
"Go, Hakyeon."
Wonshik's voice was small, almost ashamed, urging Hakyeon to move with palms grasping at the sides of his waist. Hakyeon moved and messily pulled his pants up, almost failing to stand on his own legs the second he'd got out of the vehicle. He'd leaned on the windowsill, slicked tufts of hair tousled and Wonshik arranged them almost carefully, pushing the strands into place.
"Shik-ah."
Hakyeon called, beam still on his lips and Wonshik thought he was glowing, a shine in his eyes that made him look almost innocent and so, so elated.
"Kiss me."
Wonshik's pulse picked up again and his stomach turned - he despised moments like these, moments when he could tell how in love he was, how smitten and completely, utterly whipped, willing to do anything just to make Hakyeon smile, including having himself suffer. He pulled him close, palm cupping the warm cheek and kissed him tenderly, lingering until he could feel his chest constrict, the rush of air invading his lungs afterwards leaving him dizzy.
Hakyeon was unpredictable, adventurous sometimes. Wonshik would rather make love to him on a bed, but Hakyeon always got different, better ideas as he said. Wonshik complied with each of it, maybe because Hakyeon turned loving after a wild ride, and Wonshik relished that lingering affection. Needless to say, he was taken aback when it first happened, having long given up on it - Hakyeon snuggling against his chest, tawny skin shimmery with sweat and his mouth sweet against his, deep, soulful kisses that were so foreign to Wonshik. But then he only wished for more. For too much. Too much that Hakyeon wouldn't give. He could only deal with that much, the sickening burden to hide, the shortcoming of not having Hakyeon wholly to himself.
"I'm leaving." The morning was sunny and pleasant, sun rays spilling through the windows. Hakyeon was seated, pulling at his tie while looking at him with a piqued and curious expression. Beautiful, clad in a moulding suit and immaculately coiffed. He was serene, a calculated smile showing as he tilted his head.
"Where to?"
"Anywhere. Away from you." Wonshik replied, rushed, breathless.
"You'll come back to me." Hakyeon countered calmly, eyes however fiery and anger laying mostly dormant, for now.
"You are a fucking coward, Hakyeon." Wonshik spat, with more malice than Hakyeon thought he could ever muster. His eyes went wide. His collar was grabbed, a tight grip that hurt him. "You love me, too, but you are too fucking scared to get out of your bubble of pretend. You got too good at acting like you don't fucking care. That it doesn't eat at you inside. That you aren't fucking trapped." Wonshik loosened his grip and backed away. "I can't live like this anymore." His eyes watered.
"Get out." Hakyeon's teeth gnashed together. "Get the fuck out. Leave."
Wonshik did leave.
Jaehwan helped Wonshik get out of the country, Hakyeon found out. Hakyeon stopped talking to him, stopped talking to anybody. It burned at him, the need to know where Wonshik was, if he was alright, but he selfishly wished he was as miserable as he was, moping around as he was, wished he yearned for him as painfully as he was. What he refused to come to terms with surfaced in the most harrowing way.
Hayoon got pregnant. It wasn't his baby, obviously - he hadn't touched her since a long, long time ago. He found it in himself to crack a smile, a guilty smile that he was the sole responsible for the pain the both of them went through; if only he was less stubborn, and more courageous. Before she left, Hayoon told him she knew, and Hakyeon was impassive, surprise being out of the question. They had been so obvious. He wondered if Hayoon ever actually loved him. He hoped she didn't, he had done enough damage as it was.
The realization didn't come to him as fast as lightning, but slowly, hitting old wounds and opening fresh ones. He had been a coward. Maybe all of his life. Pouring out all of his worries to Wonshik, laying himself vulnerable; talking about the unbreakable rules in his home, and about how he broke the first one when he was fifteen and kissed a boy. How scared he was anyone would find out. How he suppressed any other similar urges - until Wonshik came along.
Sweet, yielding Wonshik who was the unfortunate one to have fallen in love with him.
It was a year before he got out of his stupor and decided to find Wonshik, just to ask for forgiveness, if nothing more was possible. He begged Jaehwan on his knees, humiliated at first, but he pressed on, eventually divesting any bit of pride. Jaehwan was ruthless. He was the only person who knew where Wonshik fled to, and he was solidly set on being unhelpful. Hakyeon cried by himself that night, body racked with loud sobs, powerless.
Jaehwan softened only after a couple months and endless attempts of Hakyeon's - no matter how malicious he had been, Jaehwan knew Hakyeon was not a bad person. He only wanted to make sure the persistence wouldn't wear off too soon and he wanted to feel his sincerity. Bit by bit, he managed to regain his trust. Hakyeon wept in Jaehwan's arms when he learnt about Wonshik's whereabouts.
Sweden was cold, but inviting. There was a comforting chilliness in the air and Hakyeon found himself smiling, stomach churning. Jaehwan told him the exact place Wonshik stayed at, but Hakyeon once again realized he was a coward, drinking himself to sleep for a fortnight before he actually managed to step outside again. As if fate was playing with him, it was an uncharacteristic day, luminous and warm, and his gut twisted at the thought of having to endure Wonshik leaving again. He didn't know if he could take it.
Wonshik's house was small and cozy-looking. It was eerily comforting, really, the atmosphere; people strolling around with smiles on their lips, delighted at the lovely weather. It almost made him smile, as well. He didn't know for how long he stood there. It might have been minutes, or hours. Immobile, his gaze burning into the door in front of him. Three gentle knocks came at last. And Hakyeon's heart sank to his stomach. Wonshik was beautiful, hair white as snow, his dwindling chuckle stopping the instant he saw him. He misssed that. He missed his loud laughter. He missed it so much, he thought he would burst into sobs right then and there. But what he got to say was too important to simply neglect like that. Before he could open his mouth, a guy emerged behind Wonshik and announced his leave cheerfully, said he would see him next time. Wonshik nodded weakly at that. Hakyeon ignored the unfamiliar guy's prying glances, trying to swallow the bitterness in his throat. It was alright. Wonshik was free. Free to do whatever he wanted, with whoever he wanted. But it didn't mean it didn't make Hakyeon sick to the stomach.
Hakyeon expected to get punched. He didn't expect a meek imploration.
"Please, leave." Wonshik didn't even look at him, already reaching for the doorknob, but Hakyeon was too desperate to let this chance pass up.
"I came here.. to tell you I was so fucking wrong. I did you so wrong." He choked up and Wonshik's attention shifted to him again. His body trembled as he fought off his own tears.
"I forgive you." Wonshik mumbled, eyes downcast again, nails sinking into his palm with how strongly he was holding himself back. It hurt. It still hurt. He still longed. "Now, leave."
Hakyeon was angry. It wasn't supposed to be so easy. He finally managed to lock gazes with Wonshik and he felt like throwing up. Everything coming back to him at once. Tears prickling at the corners of his eyes, throat burning, heart stammering. It was too much, felt at once.
"You came here because of us. Because it reminds you of me."
It was too confident, yet Hakyeon was almost certain of it. There was no other explanation. Flashes of fingers intertwined and happy smiles flew through Wonshik's mind. He cleared his throat; though he was seemingly composed, Hakyeon could feel the impending onslaught. He thought he had braced himself for it.
"Yeah," Wonshik didn't deny, tone firm, "it reminded me of us. How we walked hand in hand on this very road, do you remember, Hakyeon?" Hakyeon almost let out a happy sob at finally hearing Wonshik call his name again, "You were so affectionate. So open. So fearless." Wonshik's tone started to crumble, wavering as tears gathered. "I almost thought you actually-"
"I did," Hakyeon interrupted with a watery smile, "I still do. I still love you."
Wonshik's tears fell. He imagined he would hear this, one day, so many, many times he thought he envisioned every scenario possible - but this hasn't crossed his mind. And as pitiful as their situation was, his heart still pounded fast, shaking his rib cage. Tears and more tears cascaded down and he sank to the ground, Hakyeon coming down with him, holding him close, his body quivering even harder than his was, his tears getting soaked into his shirt.
Hours later, Hakyeon drank the hot, hot tea slowly, bloodshot eyes still stinging, but he felt inexplicably happy, his thigh pressed against Wonshik's.
"Just.. let me be around you. I feel like I'm going crazy." He confessed with a self-pitying chuckle, "Let me be your friend." Wonshik's lips twisted in a small, but somewhat solaced smile.
"Friends.. Yeah. Okay." He said softly, looking at Hakyeon with the same peaceful smile - it was incredible, not to feel the storm ravaging him inside. There were still so many residual emotions to be dealt with, but for now, Wonshik was strangely tranquil.
"I'm still gonna woo you. Every single day." Hakyeon's shameless scheme amused Wonshik, pulled a hearty chuckle out of him. "We'll see about that."
"You look beautiful tonight, Shik-ah."
Wonshik only grinned shyly.
Refrained from telling Hakyeon that he was just as pretty as he remembered.