The Daily Shit - Monday, June 29th 2009
I was inspired to try my hand at doing some news parodies. I was amused at some of the ideas I came up with so I figured, why not? Likely some of those will ride the line of good taste. :) Be warned about that (this one does!). If I enjoy it enough I'll continue to do more. :)
Disclaimer: This is a parody. It is certainly not real. God, and whatever else there is, help us if it was!
US Congressman Jack C. Sparrow proposed a controversial health care reform that may end up as an addendum to the up-coming bill that’s headed for Capitol Hill next week.
The senator held a press conference in response to an out-standing amount of opposition from the aged, infirm and possibly soon to be sickenoughtogotohospitals.
“We are facing a public health crisis in this country that cannot be ignored!”, Sparrow said while on the steps of Shady Acre’s Nursing Home, “It is attribute to the constant influx of the sick, diseased and nearly dead to public and private hospitals across the United States. There are not enough nurses, doctors and dedicated health care professionals to go around.”.
After a lengthy lecture on the importance of prunes being a very important part of a healthy seniors diet the Senator went on to say, “My addendum to this bill will give these overworked and very important Americans a day off every week by making it mandatory to close all hospitals on Wednesday’s. We will make a provision to allow the loitering of hospital patrons as they form lines outside the hospital to receive care the following day.”. The congressman went on to assure that all life support units would be kept online and the maintenance crews would be allowed to work that day so all floors would be properly waxed for the start of business on Thursday.
We interviewed Cathy Cuttle, a bystander to the press conference that’d been walking her pure-bred poodle Fifi. “This is an outrage! I spent a whole night waiting in line for the release of the new Harry Potter book and now I have to do the same for Surgeon’s General Hospital?”, she loudly declared, “It was enough to have all these poorly dressed wizards and other assorted weirdoes scaring my children while waiting those twelve hours. Now I have to deal with the wait in a line of the dieing, injured and possibly bleeding; some on stretchers reaching out in a delirium to my children going ‘Help me, please..’ in a hoarse voice with the stench of death on it? No way am I agreeing to this!”
Another local resident had a different perspective on the subject, “I have to wait in lines at the grocery store all the time because I can only go during the busiest hours.”, commented Joe Lee Rancher, “I even have to pay them after the wait.”, he paused and then went on to say, “But I end up paying the hospital anyways since my insurance really blows, so I guess it makes sense.”
Sen. Jack Sparrow went on and on and on extolling the further virtues of his proposal; extending the possible positive effects his addendum would bring to the country, “This will save federal and local governments millions on energy and labor costs, cut the spread of disease within the hospital by limiting the excessive amount of people in and out on Wednesdays preventing further health care costs to all. All of this will put money back in the tax-payers pocket where it belongs.”
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In other news the President of the Maryland Yacht Club, J. J. Chambers, declared 'No more free rides for sea water!' today on those very same steps at the Shady Acre’s Nursing Home immediately following Jack Sparrows press conference.
“Every day I get more and more reports of sea water stowing away on personal Yacht’s across the entire state! More than a thousand gallons of it every day in Annapolis harbor alone!”, said Mr. Chambers as he shook his salt-worn fist, “I encourage all Yacht owners to keep a pail handy to toss that water right out the moment you notice it!”
Senator Sparrow offered his, and a few of his fellow congressman’s assistance, to the Yacht club with Mr. Chamber’s ambitious bail-out plan. The yacht club President graciously declined, “I know you distinguished gentleman have more important things to do: drafting and pushing through 1200 page bills while half of congress is on vacation.”. Mr. Chambers seemed dismayed and went on to say, “That must be a gratuitous amount of work! Those vacationing politicians should be there to pull their part of the weight!”
For more information on the Maryland Yacht Club’s initiative, visit their homepage at: www.richbastardsinmarylandwithboats.com
Disclaimer: This is a parody. It is certainly not real. God, and whatever else there is, help us if it was!
US Congressman Jack C. Sparrow proposed a controversial health care reform that may end up as an addendum to the up-coming bill that’s headed for Capitol Hill next week.
The senator held a press conference in response to an out-standing amount of opposition from the aged, infirm and possibly soon to be sickenoughtogotohospitals.
“We are facing a public health crisis in this country that cannot be ignored!”, Sparrow said while on the steps of Shady Acre’s Nursing Home, “It is attribute to the constant influx of the sick, diseased and nearly dead to public and private hospitals across the United States. There are not enough nurses, doctors and dedicated health care professionals to go around.”.
After a lengthy lecture on the importance of prunes being a very important part of a healthy seniors diet the Senator went on to say, “My addendum to this bill will give these overworked and very important Americans a day off every week by making it mandatory to close all hospitals on Wednesday’s. We will make a provision to allow the loitering of hospital patrons as they form lines outside the hospital to receive care the following day.”. The congressman went on to assure that all life support units would be kept online and the maintenance crews would be allowed to work that day so all floors would be properly waxed for the start of business on Thursday.
We interviewed Cathy Cuttle, a bystander to the press conference that’d been walking her pure-bred poodle Fifi. “This is an outrage! I spent a whole night waiting in line for the release of the new Harry Potter book and now I have to do the same for Surgeon’s General Hospital?”, she loudly declared, “It was enough to have all these poorly dressed wizards and other assorted weirdoes scaring my children while waiting those twelve hours. Now I have to deal with the wait in a line of the dieing, injured and possibly bleeding; some on stretchers reaching out in a delirium to my children going ‘Help me, please..’ in a hoarse voice with the stench of death on it? No way am I agreeing to this!”
Another local resident had a different perspective on the subject, “I have to wait in lines at the grocery store all the time because I can only go during the busiest hours.”, commented Joe Lee Rancher, “I even have to pay them after the wait.”, he paused and then went on to say, “But I end up paying the hospital anyways since my insurance really blows, so I guess it makes sense.”
Sen. Jack Sparrow went on and on and on extolling the further virtues of his proposal; extending the possible positive effects his addendum would bring to the country, “This will save federal and local governments millions on energy and labor costs, cut the spread of disease within the hospital by limiting the excessive amount of people in and out on Wednesdays preventing further health care costs to all. All of this will put money back in the tax-payers pocket where it belongs.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news the President of the Maryland Yacht Club, J. J. Chambers, declared 'No more free rides for sea water!' today on those very same steps at the Shady Acre’s Nursing Home immediately following Jack Sparrows press conference.
“Every day I get more and more reports of sea water stowing away on personal Yacht’s across the entire state! More than a thousand gallons of it every day in Annapolis harbor alone!”, said Mr. Chambers as he shook his salt-worn fist, “I encourage all Yacht owners to keep a pail handy to toss that water right out the moment you notice it!”
Senator Sparrow offered his, and a few of his fellow congressman’s assistance, to the Yacht club with Mr. Chamber’s ambitious bail-out plan. The yacht club President graciously declined, “I know you distinguished gentleman have more important things to do: drafting and pushing through 1200 page bills while half of congress is on vacation.”. Mr. Chambers seemed dismayed and went on to say, “That must be a gratuitous amount of work! Those vacationing politicians should be there to pull their part of the weight!”
For more information on the Maryland Yacht Club’s initiative, visit their homepage at: www.richbastardsinmarylandwithboats.com