(no subject)
I have been talking with the ex a bit. She sent me an email several days ago saying how much she missed me. I think we are trying to get through this and remain... well, something. What? I'm not sure. I know her relationship with Ross is more than she has let on. There's just too much evidence to ignore. A lot of it is probably false correalation that's been built up in my head, but she doesn't want to talk about it, which is itself part of the "evidence". I'm a pretty good judge when somebody is lying to me. If anything, I can thank my relationship with Amy in highschool for giving me that bit of skill.
So why am I even bothering to talk with her? Part stupidity, maybe. Probably a lot of "love" or whatever it is this is called. Stupidity, maybe. I keep blaming myself for her inaction. I don't know why. I think I'm feeling that she won't talk with me about stuff because I approach things the wrong way, putting her on the defensive. I guess I'm waiting for an opportunity when we're further apart from it all, so I can bring it up casually.. or maybe just hoping she'll tell me how she feels about it all (whatever that might be)or if I'm right, come clean or get caught. Although, technically she has already been caught.
Earlier this week, I had told her we could hang out today. This morning, I woke up from a dream basically reminding me how insecure she's made me, and how nothing has really been resolved. It was sort of my brain's way of saying, "You stupid, stupid man. Cancel your plans, now!"
But I didn't, and she came over for a few hours. I had a great time with her. A really magnificent couple of hours. But she's gone now, and I can't escape thinking about her over there tonight. I don't know.
I tell myself that I really don't care what relationship she has with that drunk. The time that she spends with me is all that matters. The only problem is that I've been feeling for a while (now more than ever) that I'm the one she's cheating on him with, not vice versa.
I'm sort of messed up in the head. I do stupid things. What I like about myself is the ability to acknowledge this. The ability to recognize a lot of my deeply rooted psychological problems, even if I am not able to adequately deal with them, yet.
Right now I'm taking about an hour break from a productive 4 hours of music composition, itself scattered with several smaller breaks. I've gone through a lot of the unfinished tracks I've amassed over the years, and have found quite a few which are actually quite brilliant. I impressed myself. I've been working today on re-sequencing one in particular, and also on finishing up this Brittney Spears-Miss Kitten-Rage mashup I've started.
There was a long period of time where I would abandon a song almost as quickly as I started it. Partly, I think it was because I spent too much of my day in a stoned blaze (for which I've given up the reefer until certain musical and personal goals have been met--it's been a little over 2 months), but a lot of my inability to finish had to do with my rush toward completion. I so wanted to get that sound down in my head which I just knew would be the next "big thing", and often times my blitz toward the finish line left a lot of areas unconsidered, a marginal representation of my original idea.
I really am no longer concerned with that next "big thing". In fact, what has truly inspired me to see the potential genius in a lot of those older songs I'm opening is my current indifference on where the song will get played, or even by whom. I don't care if it isn't a "club" track. I don't care if you like the song.
What I've finally realized is that the only important thing is whether or not I enjoy the experience. I know I have good taste, and I know yours might be questionable, so I no longer send around half-finished songs to get abandoned after less-than-eager reviews. I've been listening to some of my better CDs from nearly a decade ago--Squarepusher, Smashing Pumpkins, LTJ Bukem, namely--and they all still sound so fresh. I'm not in a rush. The collection of songs I am finishing at the moment will probably stay sealed until I've had a chance to take some video editing classes, or the initiative to mess around with the software myself, so I can truly portray the entirety of my vision. I'm not worried that they'll sound dated when compared to the next new thing.
Maybe it's the same with the ex. Maybe our problem is and has been a rush toward some sort of "finish line" when really, there isn't one. I don't know. With her, my brain is a mess. But at least now I am remaining self-aware. I have made her no commitments, nor have I bound myself to her, nor do I expect any of that from her. We aren't defined, and perhaps that's for the best.
I just have to make sure that I take the time I have with her for what it is, that I remain as honest with her and with myself as possible, and trust that she's doing the same, and beyond that stay focused on building myself into everything that I can be right now, "future" be damned.
So why am I even bothering to talk with her? Part stupidity, maybe. Probably a lot of "love" or whatever it is this is called. Stupidity, maybe. I keep blaming myself for her inaction. I don't know why. I think I'm feeling that she won't talk with me about stuff because I approach things the wrong way, putting her on the defensive. I guess I'm waiting for an opportunity when we're further apart from it all, so I can bring it up casually.. or maybe just hoping she'll tell me how she feels about it all (whatever that might be)or if I'm right, come clean or get caught. Although, technically she has already been caught.
Earlier this week, I had told her we could hang out today. This morning, I woke up from a dream basically reminding me how insecure she's made me, and how nothing has really been resolved. It was sort of my brain's way of saying, "You stupid, stupid man. Cancel your plans, now!"
But I didn't, and she came over for a few hours. I had a great time with her. A really magnificent couple of hours. But she's gone now, and I can't escape thinking about her over there tonight. I don't know.
I tell myself that I really don't care what relationship she has with that drunk. The time that she spends with me is all that matters. The only problem is that I've been feeling for a while (now more than ever) that I'm the one she's cheating on him with, not vice versa.
I'm sort of messed up in the head. I do stupid things. What I like about myself is the ability to acknowledge this. The ability to recognize a lot of my deeply rooted psychological problems, even if I am not able to adequately deal with them, yet.
Right now I'm taking about an hour break from a productive 4 hours of music composition, itself scattered with several smaller breaks. I've gone through a lot of the unfinished tracks I've amassed over the years, and have found quite a few which are actually quite brilliant. I impressed myself. I've been working today on re-sequencing one in particular, and also on finishing up this Brittney Spears-Miss Kitten-Rage mashup I've started.
There was a long period of time where I would abandon a song almost as quickly as I started it. Partly, I think it was because I spent too much of my day in a stoned blaze (for which I've given up the reefer until certain musical and personal goals have been met--it's been a little over 2 months), but a lot of my inability to finish had to do with my rush toward completion. I so wanted to get that sound down in my head which I just knew would be the next "big thing", and often times my blitz toward the finish line left a lot of areas unconsidered, a marginal representation of my original idea.
I really am no longer concerned with that next "big thing". In fact, what has truly inspired me to see the potential genius in a lot of those older songs I'm opening is my current indifference on where the song will get played, or even by whom. I don't care if it isn't a "club" track. I don't care if you like the song.
What I've finally realized is that the only important thing is whether or not I enjoy the experience. I know I have good taste, and I know yours might be questionable, so I no longer send around half-finished songs to get abandoned after less-than-eager reviews. I've been listening to some of my better CDs from nearly a decade ago--Squarepusher, Smashing Pumpkins, LTJ Bukem, namely--and they all still sound so fresh. I'm not in a rush. The collection of songs I am finishing at the moment will probably stay sealed until I've had a chance to take some video editing classes, or the initiative to mess around with the software myself, so I can truly portray the entirety of my vision. I'm not worried that they'll sound dated when compared to the next new thing.
Maybe it's the same with the ex. Maybe our problem is and has been a rush toward some sort of "finish line" when really, there isn't one. I don't know. With her, my brain is a mess. But at least now I am remaining self-aware. I have made her no commitments, nor have I bound myself to her, nor do I expect any of that from her. We aren't defined, and perhaps that's for the best.
I just have to make sure that I take the time I have with her for what it is, that I remain as honest with her and with myself as possible, and trust that she's doing the same, and beyond that stay focused on building myself into everything that I can be right now, "future" be damned.