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[bouncyweee]

I realized something a couple weeks ago.

I was perusing the reference section of the bookstore, aimfully searching for a wedding organizer: a binder of some sort that has spaces created for recording all the steps you have to take to plan a wedding. And I realized I am that girl-- the one getting married, the future BRIDEZILLA. Of course, my

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I should be doing homework

[shnickie]

I don't know what the difference is. Matt and I had a conversation about it (after reading your blog). We're sitting here, making plans that involve our lives coinciding over the next couple of years. You know, moving in together, grad school, that sort of thing. Which is setting ourselves up for the next couple of years, with the intention of setting our lives up together for the next couple of years after that, "phases of life" after that ... and so on, and so forth.

But the word marriage comes up, and all of a sudden there's that feeling of, "wait, what did I just say? No, too soon, too much." Everything that goes with it, not bothersome, but the word ... it triggers something.

And maybe it is that formal declaration, in front of people. Because as Matt said, people make private declarations all the time. In the brilliant words of a softer world:

"I know I said I'd love you forever, but come on. What are you, new?"

Maybe it's that now other people expect something of you now, other people will be disappointed in you if you fail.

On the happier side, why you are so excited. It's that you're not afraid of failing. It's exciting because you're ready to make that declaration, you have been for a while now. It's that stupid feeling of wanting to scream from the roof tops that you are 100% madly in love with Shoghi, for everything that he is ... and the day you get married you get to. You get to declare what you feel and want to say every single day (and we tell you, "yes yes, that's very nice."), because to you he is THAT amazing, that you want to share you life with him ... and now not only does everyone have to listen, they are there to listen, they want to listen. More so, while you and Shoghi have been creating a life together for sometime now, living together and what not, it's making a promise to each other. One thing we lack in American culture is ritual, rights of passage, they're all so fuzzy. We take them lightly, as we chose to, but maybe deep down we want them as well, because they do mean something. It's acknowledging that this thing you share is bigger and more important than just the two of you. Marriage rituals haven't been recorded in every culture in the world so people could get tax breaks.

I think I blathered at you a bit about how Paulo Fierre said that a true "word" has action and reflection. Without both, the word falls short, and with both "the word" is the creator. By making this declaration you are creating, because you have both action and reflection. Maybe that is also why marriage seems like such a joke in our culture now, because it's lacking both of those qualities for a lot of people when they make the decision. The second a celebrity couple gets together within months it's, "when is HE going to pop the question." But you're doing it for the right reasons, and you know it, and that feel fucking great.

Anyway, It's good you're excited, you should be. I love you both so much.