I need a map for my life
I'm in a phase of life right now where I am feeling utterly and completely lost. I can see the general direction I want to be moving in but I can't seem to find a comfort zone. Let me explain by backing up and talking about our trip to Colorado, which is what triggered this new agenda.
We had a great time. Our time there felt very short as it takes an entire day to travel there and back. Keep this in mind as I will later add it to the Negative (-) list that I'm sure will end up becoming an ongoing discussion with myself. We only had two days in Boulder before we left to go on the annual camping trip up in the mountains. The time in Boulder was not enough. Some of our friends were not too pleaseed that we were there for such a short period of time. What I did realize each time I re-connected with our various friends was that the connections I made there with people are so much stronger than anything I can even imagine now.
Our first morning there, Aaron and I were eating breakfast just the two of us. Sitting outside, at Foolish Craigs, on Pearl St. Looking up at the Flatirons. I was still digging my heels into the ground when he sat back and said "This feels like home". I replied with "No. This does not feel like home. Not at all". That all changed by the end of the day. As I went on to meet up with old friends I did feel like I was at home. The instant connection as if no time at all had passed. The absolute LOVE for Boulder. It's the most amazing town I've ever been in. The vibe. The buzz. The comfort. The weather. The complete strangers that dish out compliments and "How's your day going?". It's amazing.
Friends of ours recently had a baby. They are also both originally from Rochester. Aaron and Jay actually grew up together (I may have had negative posts regarding them in the past but I've worked really hard to move past and through those feelings that's an entirely other story). Anyway, Jay's mom was visiting during our trip as well. She is planning on staying with them for about a month to help take care of the baby. It got me thinking about why I had to move back to NY so badly. I had to move back here (NY) to be closer to our families. I did need that. I DO need that. I was just too broken being that far away. The thing is, we are still too far away from our families. This is Long Fucking Island. Not at all where we want to be. It's still a HUGE pain in the ass to get home. Either a car ride that could take anywhere from 7 to 10 hours, or a plane trip which also takes just as long to get to the airport and the cost etc. Jay's mom is retired so she can stay there that long. Yes. My mom is also retired. She has been for many years. In fact she's enjoyed her retirement, as she should, by travelling to many wonderful places. She's also been a constant support to my sister and her husband with their kids. Why couldn't she travel out to CO and do the same for us?
I'm terrified to have this conversation with my mom (and my sister for that matter). They wanted me to get "Home" more than anything. I know that maybe they even helped to influence me in my decision to do so. Ultimately, it was completely my decision for us to move. Aaron never wanted to leave CO. He loved every aspect of living there. Neither of us are happy here. It's just not the place for us. It's not. Between us we are initializing "Operation GT-FOOLI" (Operation Get The Fuck Out Of Long Island). As this is not something I can discuss with ANYONE in my day to day life this journal is going to have to be my place to vent and work through all of this.
I know I'm all over the place right now too and for that forgive me. So it hit me while we were there that we should be living in CO. It does make sense for us. My parents both grew up in the Albany area. Somewhere along the way they decided to move from there to Rochester. Why? For a better life? For themselves? Their future children? Wouldn't we be making the same decision?
Then you factor in cost of living. While we were living in CO we thought it was outrageously high. We couldn't believe the cost of rent and never imagined being able to afford a home there. Moving here has certainly opened my eyes on that front. It is disgusting here. The cost of living is shameful. And what for? What do you get here? For an average of $350,000 you might be able to find a mostly rundown older townhouse or condo. Add on to that an average of $8,000 (often times more) a year for taxes. Oh and you get to sit in traffic and feel stressed out all the time. The actual cost of a townhouse or condo is about the same in Boulder but I took a poll over every single one of our friends while we were there. The response to "How much are your taxes?" was always the same "$1,000" (My choking. Literally choking) "A year?" Yes. $1,000 a year. Holy shit the majority of people here pay just about an additional $1,000 a month in addition to their mortgage. That pretty much sealed the deal for me. Done. All that with the added bonus that IT'S BOULDER. You walk out your door to anything. Or perhaps you ride your bike. Ahhhhhh. So wonderful.
Part of me says "I feel like such an asshole" I made us move. But I got over that really fast because to be honest I never would have had hindsight if we hadn't of left. Hindsight can be a bitch but it sure does tell you a lot in situations such as these. Also, employment wise our move was crucial for both Aaron and myself. Moreso for Aaron. What he has learned, what he has gained, what he has done here is amazing. The words alone to be added to his resume are going to take him far. Not to mention the actual growth he's made both professionall and personally. My job has definitely (I hope) opened up a couple more doors for the future. I can not possibly go back to my previous job there - it was pure hell. I wouldn't have traded the time we've spent here in terms of how many times I have been able to get home to see my family and also our friends in this area.
This is the part of the story where I start to freak out and worry that I'll just curl up in a ball and wait for life to pass me by. I really, truly went through serious emotional hell in CO over being that far away from our families. It was something I never though I could live through at times. Am I seriously crazy for thinking I should do that again? Do I just need to approach the move this time from a different perspective? Do I need to just make a stand and say this is where we are meant to be and the distance is not the end of the world? Can I do it? What if we move back and I'm still in anguish? What then? We can't just keep moving.
At this point I feel like I have so much more to say on this topic but I needed to just get the basics off my chest. I'm sure I'll be rambling on in upcoming posts regarding this and for that I apologize ahead of time. One thing I can add to my positive (+) list: maybe there was a reason I never changed my LJ name! Ha.