Let's Do It Dialogue-Style!
Title: Let’s Do It Dialogue-Style!
Authors: obvious
Rating: I don’t know…R? NC-17 to be safe?
Summary: Remus and Sirius discover what “stimuli” they are “overly sensitive” to: dialogue-style.
Warnings: crack; bondage; whipping; food play; mysterious talents; multiple shiny, big and hard, hot and tight, and white and sticky objects; overuse of asterisks to show actions ; toxic amounts of crack and inside jokes
Genre: crack porn
Remus: *weeps*
Sirius: What's wrong? *glomps Moony*
R: *wails* the doctor *sob* the doctor said...
S: WHAT? What did the doctor say? Are you dying? You can't be dying!
R: *yowl* it's worse!
S: HOW? How could it be worse?
R: H-he said...*mumbles* I'moverlysensitivetostimulus.
S: What?
R: I'm overly sensitive to stimulus, okay? I faint when I see shiny things. *gobbles chocolate*
S: *eyes Moony* should you be eating so much sugar if you're so sensitive?
R: *looks at chocolate* No. Probably not. *looks at it again* But, you know, whatever. *eats more*
R: *starts cackling*
S: *backs away* is it that time of the month, Moony?
R: *scoots closer* you know this chocolate makes me really...energetic.
S: *still backing away slowly* Moony...
R: *licks fingers lewdly* yes, snuggle muffin?
S: *looks around frantically* I..I..have to...*grabs shiny chocolate wrapper*
R: Ahhh!! My eyes!!! I’m blinded and slightly turned on!!
S: *brandishes shiny wrapper* don’t worry, Moony! I'll soon rid you of this demon! Hold on to me! Don't let go! I won't let it shut down your instant messenger anymore! *starts exorcism*
R: What? Instant messenger?
S: *hand over mouth* did i say that? I think I'm possessed by one of the authors! Scary fangirls, shoo!
R: *clamps Sirius* he's MINE! Leave him alone!
S: Wait, I thought I was the one exorcising you.
R: Can't we both exorcise each other?
S: *looks pensive* Well, I am very bendy…
R: *rolls eyes* not like that!
S: *advances and wiggles lewdly* Oh, very much like that!
R: Wait! No-the demonic microphone! It will hear us having hot monkey sex, and then transmit this message into space, but backwards so it will give demonic messages and the universe will implode!
S: *pauses and considers* well, never, fear, all, these, extra, commas, and, unidentified, groping, hands, should, protect, us.
R: what groping hands?
S: *launches self on top of Remus and begins to molest him* These!
R: *squeaks uncontrollably*
R: No! Sirius! *runs away and falls quite coincidentally on the bed*
S: *grins* exactly where I want you!
R: *flails*
S: *molests*
S: I'll get you, you nasty demon!
R: oh...you've got me
R: yes! Like that!
S: you need punishment!
R: *swoons* punish me!
S: *pulls out whip*
R: *stares* um...
R: What are you planning to do with that?
S: *cackles madly* you'll see...or rather, feel…
R: what if I run away?
R: *tries to run away* you can't hit me! I'm too fragile!
S: We'll call it a scientific experiment to see how SENSITIVE you really are.
R: *eyes whip* I'm sensitive! I'm sensitive! I don't need testing!
S: *evil grin*
S: Then you'll get punished even more!
S: *whips out handcuffs* you were saying?
R: the handcuffs! They chafe!
S: *swings handcuffs back and forth*
R: Oo...shiny
S: just follow the handcuffs
R: yes...shiny- me likey handcuffs!
R: *holds out hands* can I touch?
S: *whips* bad remus!
R: *flinch*
R: NOOO! I'm SENSITIVE, damn it!
S: *pets* just relax, my little sailor moony…
R: *growls*
S: did you just growl at me?!
R: *allows himself to be petted*
R: just don't hit me again.
S: *subtly slips handcuffs around Moony's wrists*
R: *glares* I know exactly what you're doing. But I don't care cuz they're shiny.
R: *growls again* I'm the Big Bad Wolf!
S: is that so?
S: *looks* well, you're big enough, I suppose.
S: And you're certainly a wolf.
R: *growls*
S: hmm, but what about bad?
R: Yes! Bad!
R: *bares teeth*
S: *pretends to be scared*
S: ok, you're bad
S: it seems you do need Sirius's Special Punishment!
R: *stops mid-growl* What? Wait! That's not what I meant!
S: *not even listening* sorry, i can't hear you over all those clothes you are wearing.
R: well, why don't you take them off me then?
S: *drools*
R: and hurry up about it!
S: it's part of the punishment.
R: *narrows eyes* what do you mean?
R: *sighs*
R: Why are you so fixed on this "punishment" thing?
S: because stealing is a crime!
R: oh. I thought you were just a kinky bastard
S: well, that too.
S; and YOU are a thief!
S: *raises whip menacingly*
R: wait! No! What did I steal?!?
S: *blushes* ummm..
S: *shifty eyes*
S: my heart?...
R: *tugs against handcuffs* i stole- your heart?
R: Oh, are you overly sensitive too? I'll save you!
R: *gives mouth-to-mouth resuscitation*
S: *moans* oohh...
S: wow. That is pretty talented for being in handcuffs, while I’m standing up and you’re lying down…
R: *winks*
R: yes, well…I do have quite a talented mouth...
R: …among other things.
S: hmmm. Care to show me?
R: I would, but the damn writers still haven’t let us remove our clothing.
R: *undoes Sirius's clothing with his teeth*
R: well, that takes care of THAT.
R: *is proud*
S: *is very, very turned on*
S: *looks down at Remus* hey, wait a sec- you still have your clothes on!
R: *glances at self*
R: *ponders*
R: well, we must be fair…
S: I could whip them off of you!
R: I don't know if I'm THAT talented.
S: *confused*
R: sorry. The writers are in fits of giggles again.
S: Why do you have to be talented for me to whip it off you?
R: *seductive smile*
S: *eyes Remus up and down*
R: Honestly, Pads, being whipped is an art.
S: *smirks*
S: Wait. I thought you didn't want to be whipped?
R: *coughs* well, you see-the stimulus is actually a little different now..
S: *cocks eyebrow* Oh REALLY?
R: *licks*
S: *melts*
R: mmm...shiny.
S: dammit, Remus, we need to get your clothes off!
R: oh, woe is me! I am at your disrobing disposal!
S: *cracks whip*
S: Oh, you are SO getting taken advantage of.
S: right NOW.
R: *moans as the whip hits him* SIRIUS!
S: *pants* CHRIST, Moony, you're so HOT when you moan.
R: SIRIUS!
S: *cracks whip*
R: my shirt! It is in shreds!
S: Oh dear. Well, I can't have THAT. *rips shirt off*
R: but oh no! Now only my pants are on and I can’t wear pants with out a shirt! *flails*
S: You wear too much bloody clothing for my liking, Moony.
R: do you want me to start walking around naked, then?
S: Yes!
S: *reconsiders*
R: *wiggles lewdly*
S: well, no. Not really.
R: *looks sad* you make me sad.
S: because then EVERYONE would see you naked.
S: I'M the only one who gets to do that.
R: mm. I love it when you're jealous.
S: Really? *cocks eyebrow again*
S:*is jealous* Am I turning you on?
R: *pants uncontrollably* you have no idea!
S: *eyes widen*
R: *growls more*
S: *moans*
S:*whips again* like I said-bad Moony!
R: *snarls*
S: oh, fuck it! *rips off pants*
R: *pouts* I thought you were going to whip me?
S: *whistles*
S: mmm. Moony cake!
S: *dives*
R: *is dived on*
S: or should I say...Moony cock.
S: oh…um, I got distracted.
R: Am I that shiny?
S: No...I get distracted by big, hard things.
R: well, we all have our weaknesses.
R: *ponders* is that why you like my feet?
S: no, your feet are all lovely and soft.
R: so is something else unless you hurry up!
S: but I like them anyway.
S: *evil grin* you see, my other weakness is you.
R: *continues to writhe*
R: *is sekritly a closet romantic*
S: *is turned on by a hand cuffed writhing Remus*
R: *is turned on by the whip- I mean, Sirius*
S: Remus, why do you keep staring at that whip instead of my...manly wonder?
R: Oh, just FUCK me already!
S: *is turned on by a forceful Remus* if you insist…
S: *manly thrust*
R: * moan moan, gasp gasp*
R: *girly scream*
S: *moans* I forgot to tell you...
R: *gasp* what?
S: I also have a weakness for hot, tight things.
R: ohhh, you animal!
S: *moans*
R: *cocks own eyebrow* hit me, baby, one more time!
S: *bigger manly thrust*
R: *screams*
R: *comes*
S: *spends inordinately long time thinking about Remus's face as he comes*
S: oh god, not sticky white things too!
S: *pant* that's my other weakness...
R: *howls*
S: oh god! The howling! *comes as well*
R: *wriggles*
S: *grunt*
R: Mmmm.
S: you are one big bad wolf.
R: but I'm also rather GOOD *winks*
S; I like you better when you're bad.
S: hmm…although I believe there is a punishment for being too good as well...
R: is it shiny?
R: or sugary?
S: *leans in* shinier than handcuffs…
R: *is turned on again*
R: shinier than HANDCUFFS?
S: *grins*
S: *is turned on by Remus being turned on*
S: shinier than chocolate wrappers!
R: *begins to moan again*
R: God, Sirius, I'm going to come again without you even touching me!
S: But I LIKE touching you.
S: *strokes*
R: *is stroked*
R: *screams*
R: wait-this isn’t fair! I’m still in handcuffs!
S: so?
R: they chafe
S: I'll make them better.
S: *strokes more*
R: *moans*
S: *replaces them with ties*
R: oo. Soft.
R: not shiny, though.
S: and silky- I know how you love that too
S: *performs quick Shinus charm*
S: see? Shiny!
R:*is hypnotized* ooo shiny!
R: *stares*
R: *rendered incoherent*
S: *takes advantage of incoherent Remus again*
S: it's ok that you can't talk, moony. There are better things for you do be doing with your mouth.
R: *nods feebly and begins to mouth molest Sirius*
S: *grins* exactly!
R: *molests Sirius*
S: wait...you're still tied.
R: so?
R: but not for long!
S: what?
R: *breaks bonds and ties up Sirius*
S: *gapes*
S: *is tied*
R: *climbs on top of Sirius*
R: you have been behaving worse than me.
R: *licks*
S: *moans*
R: *licks some more*
R: *bites*
S: *screams*
S: Oww....that felt amazing...
R: *waggles eyebrows* you know what else feels amazing?
S: *shudders*
S: *can't think because moony is on top of him*
R: *whips out pot of melted chocolate*
S: hey. Pay attention to ME.
R: *draws swirly designs on Sirius's stomach*
S: *moans* lick me!
S: *begins to twist* Jesus, moony!
R: *shushes*
R: art takes time.
S: *moans even louder*
R: Rome wasn't built in a day, you know.
S: *is turned on by Romans*
R: *adds finishing touches*
R: There! *beams*
R: My masterpiece!
S: *impatient*
S: um, no offense, moony, but I’m sort of dying here…
R: nonsense. You've just been born!
S: Um...I beg to differ.
S: *glares*
R: I'll make so much money!
S: you’re going to sell me?!
R: just think, Sirius, you could be hanging in the Louvre next to the Mona Lisa!
S: *grumbles*
S: I am not some common whore work of art!
S: I'd rather be hanging right here in your BED, thankyouverymuch.
R: *sighs and looks dejected* well if you don’t like my art...
R: *wipes eyes*
R: you're bursting my bubble!
R: raining on my parade...
R: *pouts*
R: party pooper.
S: *sighs* Remus! Come on!
R: *shakes head*
S: please?
R: Uh uh.
S: then you leave me no other choice
R: *rolls eyes*
S: begins to lick extra chocolate off*
R: I'm soo scare- Sirius, what are you doing?
S: mmm. Chocolate.
S: *ignores question and moans*
R: *is turned on by Sirius licking himself*
R: you bastard!
R: *faintly* you're ruining a work of art!
S: *snorts*
S: Oh come on, Moony, I don't need to be covered in chocolate to be a work of art.
R: *ponders and decides Sirius is right*
S: *wiggles*
R: *pounces*
S: *considers* though...the chocolate is rather nice. Doesn't it look good?
R: indeed it does.
S: why don't you have some? *wriggles more*
R: *begins to growl*
S: *is unable to be physically turned on any more*
S: Ohh, yessss, Moony, eat me!
R: *licks lips*
R: *licks all over* mmmm, you taste fantastic!
S: *losing coherency* mm..rre..muuss!!
R: But where's the cream filling?
S: *comes*
R: Oh! There it is!
R: *gulps*
S: You swallow?
R: *lick lick*
S: Oh godddd...
R: *smiles smugly*
S: it’s only fair now if I return the favor.
R: *cocks his own eyebrow*
S: *snaps tie bonds*
R: *lies back looking debauched*
S: *pounces*
R: *groans*
S:* ravishes*
R: *moans*
S: *bites*
R: *comes violently*
S: *licks*
S: I see what you mean about the cream filling.
S: It's the best part.
R: *falls asleep*
S: Moony?
R: *snores*
S: *cuddles*
S: *in a singsong voice* ohh, Mooooony...
R: *mumbles* mm...Sirius...mmm.
S: Yes, love?
S: *looks down* moony dearest, you are still wearing socks
R: mmmm...shiny...
S: *looks at moony*
R: *is fast asleep*
S: *takes off Moony's socks*
S: *puts on his socks*
S: *sticks his feet between Sirius's legs*
S: *screams*
S: COLD!
R: *jerks awake*
R: What? What's wrong?
S: COLD FEET!
R: I thought you liked my feet?
S: oh, yeah *ravishes feet*
R: *moans*
S: *comes x100*
R: *comes x101*
R: I win!
S: *comes xInfinity*
S: BOO-YAH.
R: *comes xinfinity + infinity*
S: *slumps against the pillows* and I'm spent.
R: *curls up against Sirius*
S: *falls asleep*
R: *falls asleep too*
*James walks in*
J: *screams at the massacre which is the room*
J: Oops
*Peter joins him*
P: *falls over dead*
R and S: *snore, oblivious*
J:*drags out body*
The writers: *grin happily*
The readers: *wonder what the hell they just read*
The writers: *pats* it’s okay. The men in white coats will be here soon to take you to a nice, padded room where you can bang your head against the wall as much as you want.
The readers: *bang heads against wall*
Men in white coats: *whisk the writers away*
The writers: wait, what?