A Partial Look at Ellen's Pantheon of (Mostly Old) Men
Because I have lots of other things I should be doing, I trawled through my well-stocked Pictures folder to bring you the celluloid lusts of my life thus far.
WARNING: Lots and lots of pictures. I make no promises that you will find many of these people attractive, but if you don't want to jump at least Pierce Brosnan and Liam Neeson, then I pity you ;).
Anthony Hopkins
Suckered in by: Shadowlands. I was 10, and it was the first non-Disney movie I saw in a theater. Then there was Zorro, and Silence of the Lambs.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Meet Joe Black - I had to turn it off or I would have died of boredom.
Sean Connery
Suckered in by: The Hunt for Red October.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Hearing him say "You're the man now, dawg!" in Finding Forrester.
Tom Cruise
Suckered in by: Interview with a Vampire. Never before, never after.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Pshaw, love? I was only after his pointy teeth and undead makeup.
Alec Baldwin
Suckered in by: The Hunt for Red October.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: That I'm still attracted to his despicable 30 Rock character.
Colin Firth
Suckered in by: Pride and Prejudice, natch
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Girl with a Pearl Earring. How can he and Scarlett Johansen be allowed to be so boring?
Gabriel Byrne
Suckered in by: Man in the Iron Mask
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: He and Anne Parillaud tricked me into thinking Man in the Iron Man was a good movie. Also, the fact that at 13 I belonged to a listserve dedicated to his worship. I think we called ourselves the HeartByrnes, or something equally vomit-worthy.
Liam Neeson
Suckered in by: Les Miserables
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: The unfairness of watching him die and Jar Jar Binks survive that god-awful Phantom Menace movie.
Pierce Brosnan
Suckered in by: Tomorrow Never Dies, but The Thomas Crown Affair was much more hot.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: I watched some episodes of Remington Steele.
Ian McKellan
Suckered in by: Gods and Monsters
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: None. He has excellent taste ;).
David Bowie
Suckered in by: Patrick's to blame, somehow! Perhaps it was The Labyrinth, but I think I liked his music before that...
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: The fucking Hunger. The dullest vampire movie I've ever seen. How did they manage to bore me with a love scene between Sarah Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve? Not even the nipples redeemed it.
Jeremy Irons
Suckered in by: Man in the Iron Mask, Lolita.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: There's just so much to choose from... For awhile it was the first Dungeons and Dragons movie. That was pretty abysmal, but then I saw Dead Ringers. Gynecological torture devices + amateur surgery + twincest = DO NOT WANT.
Alan Rickman
Suckered in by: Dogma. Never has a loin-less angel been so tragic. He elevates everything he's in, and has much better taste than most of the men on this list...
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Realizing I am very attracted to the man who played the Sheriff in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.
Jarvis Cocker (frontman of Brit band Pulp)
Suckered in by: Common People
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Complete humiliation when I had to karaoke to Pulp's cover of Le Roi de Fourmis in French class. Of course, that could be better blamed on the professor (yes! this was in college!) for forcing a French Talent Show upon us...
Geoffrey Rush
Suckered in by: Quills
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: The looks I get from everyone else when I mention him with that far-off look...
Jason Isaacs
Suckered in by: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Approving of someone who starred in that piece of anti-Brit, torture-porn movie The Patriot.
Edward James Olmos
Editorializes: Look at his hands in this picture. I'm a sucker for big...hands.
Suckered in by: Battlestar Galactica. Never before, probably never after.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Realizing I'm attracted to the man who played Jamie Escalante in Stand and Deliver.
WARNING: Lots and lots of pictures. I make no promises that you will find many of these people attractive, but if you don't want to jump at least Pierce Brosnan and Liam Neeson, then I pity you ;).
Anthony Hopkins
Suckered in by: Shadowlands. I was 10, and it was the first non-Disney movie I saw in a theater. Then there was Zorro, and Silence of the Lambs.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Meet Joe Black - I had to turn it off or I would have died of boredom.
Sean Connery
Suckered in by: The Hunt for Red October.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Hearing him say "You're the man now, dawg!" in Finding Forrester.
Tom Cruise
Suckered in by: Interview with a Vampire. Never before, never after.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Pshaw, love? I was only after his pointy teeth and undead makeup.
Alec Baldwin
Suckered in by: The Hunt for Red October.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: That I'm still attracted to his despicable 30 Rock character.
Colin Firth
Suckered in by: Pride and Prejudice, natch
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Girl with a Pearl Earring. How can he and Scarlett Johansen be allowed to be so boring?
Gabriel Byrne
Suckered in by: Man in the Iron Mask
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: He and Anne Parillaud tricked me into thinking Man in the Iron Man was a good movie. Also, the fact that at 13 I belonged to a listserve dedicated to his worship. I think we called ourselves the HeartByrnes, or something equally vomit-worthy.
Liam Neeson
Suckered in by: Les Miserables
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: The unfairness of watching him die and Jar Jar Binks survive that god-awful Phantom Menace movie.
Pierce Brosnan
Suckered in by: Tomorrow Never Dies, but The Thomas Crown Affair was much more hot.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: I watched some episodes of Remington Steele.
Ian McKellan
Suckered in by: Gods and Monsters
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: None. He has excellent taste ;).
David Bowie
Suckered in by: Patrick's to blame, somehow! Perhaps it was The Labyrinth, but I think I liked his music before that...
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: The fucking Hunger. The dullest vampire movie I've ever seen. How did they manage to bore me with a love scene between Sarah Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve? Not even the nipples redeemed it.
Jeremy Irons
Suckered in by: Man in the Iron Mask, Lolita.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: There's just so much to choose from... For awhile it was the first Dungeons and Dragons movie. That was pretty abysmal, but then I saw Dead Ringers. Gynecological torture devices + amateur surgery + twincest = DO NOT WANT.
Alan Rickman
Suckered in by: Dogma. Never has a loin-less angel been so tragic. He elevates everything he's in, and has much better taste than most of the men on this list...
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Realizing I am very attracted to the man who played the Sheriff in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.
Jarvis Cocker (frontman of Brit band Pulp)
Suckered in by: Common People
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Complete humiliation when I had to karaoke to Pulp's cover of Le Roi de Fourmis in French class. Of course, that could be better blamed on the professor (yes! this was in college!) for forcing a French Talent Show upon us...
Geoffrey Rush
Suckered in by: Quills
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: The looks I get from everyone else when I mention him with that far-off look...
Jason Isaacs
Suckered in by: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Approving of someone who starred in that piece of anti-Brit, torture-porn movie The Patriot.
Edward James Olmos
Editorializes: Look at his hands in this picture. I'm a sucker for big...hands.
Suckered in by: Battlestar Galactica. Never before, probably never after.
Worst Indignity Suffered for Love: Realizing I'm attracted to the man who played Jamie Escalante in Stand and Deliver.