(no subject)
I'm all but ready to go.
The packing is nearly complete and schooling stuff is getting figured out.
I won't be living in a mod, nor will I be an RA.
Peggy wants me in Nyman, as an RD.
Okay, then. I'm starting to not care where I am or how it all works out once I get there.
I totally dislike Bank of America and it bothers me that I have to use them for the next year or so.
Pook.
My hair is so thick and that astounds me sometimes, considering how much I shed when I'm in the shower and/or when I brush it.
Is it possible to maintain this sort of extreme when it comes out by the handfulls all the time?
I miss people.
Like Elizabeth and margarita and even Than and Em and ryan and stuff.
I miss home.
Dad asked me today if I was only hanging around so that I could take them to the airport.
I said no, but I can see how it would seem like that and the more I think about it, the more I wonder, too.
It's been good to spend time with mom more this week and to connect a bit with her new kids.
My family is growing all the time and I can barely keep up.
The fights with dad have been more frequent these days.
He thinks I'm lazy and dumb with money and he's right and I think he dislikes the very core of who I am and sometimes is only a father to me because Barb "makes him" and even then he does it grudgingly.
The problem with parents is that the child is inevitably too much like them and too different from them in all the wrong ways. It's like I picked up all the best and worst in my parents and they love me and hate me for that. They see my faults because they have them, too. And they try to fix them in me because they can't fix them in themselves. But it's not their job to fix me. That era ended long ago and now it's time to be a support regardless of the fact that I am imperfect.
Dad says he's going to emotionally support me in anything I choose to do with my life.
Unfortunantly, he hasn't a clue how to do it and can't see that he stinks at it.
Look at Angela. She's creating a beautiful life for herself and her family.
He looks down on her for the life she's living and cannot value who she is or the choices she's making.
And I am realizing that there's nothing I can do to please him ultimately.
No matter what I choose to do, if it's not EXACTLY what he would have me do, it's wrong and he cannot accept it or respect it.
I am figuring out that who I am and what I do will never, EVER be good enough for him.
That sucks. That seriously stinks because for the first time since I was too young to know better than to overlook it, I care about his opinion and desire his love and acceptance.
And I know now that I will never get it to the extent that I need it.
And it hurts and there's nothing I can do.
He says he'll be there for me.
I will believe that when he's still there after I decide to go on a mission...
Which is back in my realm of options again. I'll explain that personally to any who are curious enough to ask.
And oddly, (though not really that odd, if you think about it) the greater the choice is and the more value it has to me, the more meaningless and insignificant it is to him.
There's a way to judge what's right- if dad thinks it's crap, it's probably pretty amazing.
dangit.
I'm off. I'll come back maybe again before I leave and update.
Lauren
The packing is nearly complete and schooling stuff is getting figured out.
I won't be living in a mod, nor will I be an RA.
Peggy wants me in Nyman, as an RD.
Okay, then. I'm starting to not care where I am or how it all works out once I get there.
I totally dislike Bank of America and it bothers me that I have to use them for the next year or so.
Pook.
My hair is so thick and that astounds me sometimes, considering how much I shed when I'm in the shower and/or when I brush it.
Is it possible to maintain this sort of extreme when it comes out by the handfulls all the time?
I miss people.
Like Elizabeth and margarita and even Than and Em and ryan and stuff.
I miss home.
Dad asked me today if I was only hanging around so that I could take them to the airport.
I said no, but I can see how it would seem like that and the more I think about it, the more I wonder, too.
It's been good to spend time with mom more this week and to connect a bit with her new kids.
My family is growing all the time and I can barely keep up.
The fights with dad have been more frequent these days.
He thinks I'm lazy and dumb with money and he's right and I think he dislikes the very core of who I am and sometimes is only a father to me because Barb "makes him" and even then he does it grudgingly.
The problem with parents is that the child is inevitably too much like them and too different from them in all the wrong ways. It's like I picked up all the best and worst in my parents and they love me and hate me for that. They see my faults because they have them, too. And they try to fix them in me because they can't fix them in themselves. But it's not their job to fix me. That era ended long ago and now it's time to be a support regardless of the fact that I am imperfect.
Dad says he's going to emotionally support me in anything I choose to do with my life.
Unfortunantly, he hasn't a clue how to do it and can't see that he stinks at it.
Look at Angela. She's creating a beautiful life for herself and her family.
He looks down on her for the life she's living and cannot value who she is or the choices she's making.
And I am realizing that there's nothing I can do to please him ultimately.
No matter what I choose to do, if it's not EXACTLY what he would have me do, it's wrong and he cannot accept it or respect it.
I am figuring out that who I am and what I do will never, EVER be good enough for him.
That sucks. That seriously stinks because for the first time since I was too young to know better than to overlook it, I care about his opinion and desire his love and acceptance.
And I know now that I will never get it to the extent that I need it.
And it hurts and there's nothing I can do.
He says he'll be there for me.
I will believe that when he's still there after I decide to go on a mission...
Which is back in my realm of options again. I'll explain that personally to any who are curious enough to ask.
And oddly, (though not really that odd, if you think about it) the greater the choice is and the more value it has to me, the more meaningless and insignificant it is to him.
There's a way to judge what's right- if dad thinks it's crap, it's probably pretty amazing.
dangit.
I'm off. I'll come back maybe again before I leave and update.
Lauren