could i be anything you wanted me to be?
its been quite some time since ive been here but you know what. i think its time for a resurrection of this time capsule.
im still in love and its amazing. best year ever. :)
currently im kicking myself because somehow ive let myself gain 30 lbs in the last year or so. its utterly distressing and freakin me out a little bit. Im at the point where im not really fitting comfortably into clothes that used to be somewhat loose on me. dont worry, i have no delusions about being "thin". its simply not in my family genetics. but I was ok and I was happy 30 lbs ago. I just want to get back to that and quickly. this whole thing is fucking with my head which has a precarious perception of my body image anyhow. its always been that way cause ive always been "heavy". what some might tackily refer to as "big boned". it took me a really long time to accept that i was beautiful because of my body and not despite of it. and its really buggin me out that im in this place again. its not cool and i havent felt this bad about myself and my appearance since freshman year of high school. this is ridiculous. absolutely ridiculous.
i have many points that i will be working on correcting during this dieting phase. first and foremost i really need to look hard and long at my less than stellar eating habits. i tend to binge eat, continue eating even after im full, eat in secret, eat when im bored, and i have no real concept of portion size. i think the aforementioned habits is whats really killing me and my waistline. i mean, im moderately active enough to maintain a figure if i ate like a regular person or a smart person but not like i do now. i look at this like when i first started working for UVL after working at the zoo for like 2 something years running around all crazy everyday. I think I gained 20 lbs in a month when i first started because i didnt adjust my eating habits in the slightest.
my food apprehension and abuse is what freaks me out the most about wanting to have babies. (dont worry, this is not a current plan, think far far in the future). im totally freaked out that im going to gain like 100lbs during pregnancy and never be able to get rid of it. just like my mom and BOTH of my sisters. seriously, that freaks me out. my sister weighs 269 lbs right now and is just finally starting to do something about it 2ish years after having her baby. my other sister has struggled with her weight constantly after having her four kids. and thats the sister that had always been active and healthy for her entire life. im the lazy bum that doesnt do anything, imagine how that would turn out. it would be awful and i would be a goddamn balloon person. uck.
im still in love and its amazing. best year ever. :)
currently im kicking myself because somehow ive let myself gain 30 lbs in the last year or so. its utterly distressing and freakin me out a little bit. Im at the point where im not really fitting comfortably into clothes that used to be somewhat loose on me. dont worry, i have no delusions about being "thin". its simply not in my family genetics. but I was ok and I was happy 30 lbs ago. I just want to get back to that and quickly. this whole thing is fucking with my head which has a precarious perception of my body image anyhow. its always been that way cause ive always been "heavy". what some might tackily refer to as "big boned". it took me a really long time to accept that i was beautiful because of my body and not despite of it. and its really buggin me out that im in this place again. its not cool and i havent felt this bad about myself and my appearance since freshman year of high school. this is ridiculous. absolutely ridiculous.
i have many points that i will be working on correcting during this dieting phase. first and foremost i really need to look hard and long at my less than stellar eating habits. i tend to binge eat, continue eating even after im full, eat in secret, eat when im bored, and i have no real concept of portion size. i think the aforementioned habits is whats really killing me and my waistline. i mean, im moderately active enough to maintain a figure if i ate like a regular person or a smart person but not like i do now. i look at this like when i first started working for UVL after working at the zoo for like 2 something years running around all crazy everyday. I think I gained 20 lbs in a month when i first started because i didnt adjust my eating habits in the slightest.
my food apprehension and abuse is what freaks me out the most about wanting to have babies. (dont worry, this is not a current plan, think far far in the future). im totally freaked out that im going to gain like 100lbs during pregnancy and never be able to get rid of it. just like my mom and BOTH of my sisters. seriously, that freaks me out. my sister weighs 269 lbs right now and is just finally starting to do something about it 2ish years after having her baby. my other sister has struggled with her weight constantly after having her four kids. and thats the sister that had always been active and healthy for her entire life. im the lazy bum that doesnt do anything, imagine how that would turn out. it would be awful and i would be a goddamn balloon person. uck.