Shortcut to Mushrooms
So I'm letting one aspect of LJ go. I no longer feel it's a two-way communication tool, for me. With the exception of Mum and Dad *waves*. I acknowledge that I have stepped back from the place I was, friendships-wise. None of those who stepped forward did so through LJ. So I prune my expectations to fit reality. I don't do it often and it's not some thing I enjoy, but there you go. *g* If you'll pardon the pun.
This may be the last post, it may not - that's not the point. It's strange to consciously be aware that most of the people who will read this have sod all context of my life in the last month. Times have changed. So, the context is that I'm very happy, vigorously challenging myself and preparing like mad for the next physical stage of my life. Having been notably ill this week my body is a little weak and my back is gently crying for some Yoga, but I'm moving in gently. Melbourne has let go, yet there's no definite spiritual pull to anywhere.
The following is some Stream of Consciousness stuff I e-mailed to a friend. I post it, largely, as an action in openness and honesty. The last paragraph made me think of LJ. Sorry. I'll do better (in my own eyes, for the self I choose to be), starting with communicating this in this truly imperfect form rather than delay and hope to do better, later. So, imperfectly: I love you as individuals but LJing isn't friendship to me anymore.
Hullo,
Life doesn't get stranger, it just gets strange in new directions.
Most of this week was spent being very ill. After a few days of running around on coffee and little sleep,yet not finding any satisfying relationships. I'd largely expected things to settle down socially, no demanding friendships, yet...I found I was wanting something. Some form or level of friendship that just isn't here(, right now, in a form I recognise). SO, of course, running my body hard with this undercurrent of "aloneness" still running and my body goes into "nurture me, somebody!" mode. *sigh* Yet it feels odd that, with all the freeing up that has gone on about "aloneness" that there haven't been some creative applications. Once the travel and group-belonging was done there seems to just be...negatives.
I feel resistance to my plans to go on the Harvest Trail, picking fruit for a few months. I get this feeling that it's not the most self-compassionate thing, yet I've got to do _something_ to change where I am. The strong, hard warrior in me thrills at the thought of burning everything and doing it simple and hard. The fact that such a simple project has been so low-action shows, to my frustration, how removed I am from an active mindspace. Yet it will bring wonderful lessons.
Going insane has helped, but I've mostly lost it this weekend, as I permitted myself to come back into the mind-organising in-charge-of-my-own-life space and then distracted the hell out of myself. In coming back to a self-centered awareness I feel...that I'm not in the right place. All the social rigging I have is not set for the weather conditions I am surrounded by. As I said today, "I feel that my life, my self, exists most truly in the spirit and conceptual realms a long, long way from here. What I _experience_ is banging it around and hacking bits off to make it fit into third dimensional space." Cutting away the friendship/social equipment feels sacreligious.
Part of me feels that it's Melbourne - that I should just walk away from the city - be gone by next week. It's one of my favoured options (presuming I have confidence in paying the rent for the period, but even that's closing in. Eight weeks only. Then it's either begone or wait for the housemates to make the first move.) I hope to be gone in two weeks, but I'm yet to make the first move. Waiting for Godot.
Waiting for fucking Godot.
Which brings me, by one of my more direct routes, to us. I've been feeling-and-manifesting Alone, Let-Down-By-People and Localised while working on Friendships and Leaving Everything Behind. (Not depressed, just struggling.) *sigh* Problem being that my reactions to my interactions locally make me act badly to friends generally. Sorry. I'll do better (in my own eyes, for the self I choose to be), starting with communicating this in this truly imperfect form rather than delay and hope to do better, later.
Oh, and tonight I refuse to accept that we go from religious to sacrilegious, spelling-wise. )"Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin sacrilegium, from sacrilegus one who robs sacred property, from sacr-, sacer + legere to gather, steal," BE DAMNED!)
Be well,
Shift
This may be the last post, it may not - that's not the point. It's strange to consciously be aware that most of the people who will read this have sod all context of my life in the last month. Times have changed. So, the context is that I'm very happy, vigorously challenging myself and preparing like mad for the next physical stage of my life. Having been notably ill this week my body is a little weak and my back is gently crying for some Yoga, but I'm moving in gently. Melbourne has let go, yet there's no definite spiritual pull to anywhere.
The following is some Stream of Consciousness stuff I e-mailed to a friend. I post it, largely, as an action in openness and honesty. The last paragraph made me think of LJ. Sorry. I'll do better (in my own eyes, for the self I choose to be), starting with communicating this in this truly imperfect form rather than delay and hope to do better, later. So, imperfectly: I love you as individuals but LJing isn't friendship to me anymore.
Hullo,
Life doesn't get stranger, it just gets strange in new directions.
Most of this week was spent being very ill. After a few days of running around on coffee and little sleep,yet not finding any satisfying relationships. I'd largely expected things to settle down socially, no demanding friendships, yet...I found I was wanting something. Some form or level of friendship that just isn't here(, right now, in a form I recognise). SO, of course, running my body hard with this undercurrent of "aloneness" still running and my body goes into "nurture me, somebody!" mode. *sigh* Yet it feels odd that, with all the freeing up that has gone on about "aloneness" that there haven't been some creative applications. Once the travel and group-belonging was done there seems to just be...negatives.
I feel resistance to my plans to go on the Harvest Trail, picking fruit for a few months. I get this feeling that it's not the most self-compassionate thing, yet I've got to do _something_ to change where I am. The strong, hard warrior in me thrills at the thought of burning everything and doing it simple and hard. The fact that such a simple project has been so low-action shows, to my frustration, how removed I am from an active mindspace. Yet it will bring wonderful lessons.
Going insane has helped, but I've mostly lost it this weekend, as I permitted myself to come back into the mind-organising in-charge-of-my-own-life space and then distracted the hell out of myself. In coming back to a self-centered awareness I feel...that I'm not in the right place. All the social rigging I have is not set for the weather conditions I am surrounded by. As I said today, "I feel that my life, my self, exists most truly in the spirit and conceptual realms a long, long way from here. What I _experience_ is banging it around and hacking bits off to make it fit into third dimensional space." Cutting away the friendship/social equipment feels sacreligious.
Part of me feels that it's Melbourne - that I should just walk away from the city - be gone by next week. It's one of my favoured options (presuming I have confidence in paying the rent for the period, but even that's closing in. Eight weeks only. Then it's either begone or wait for the housemates to make the first move.) I hope to be gone in two weeks, but I'm yet to make the first move. Waiting for Godot.
Waiting for fucking Godot.
Which brings me, by one of my more direct routes, to us. I've been feeling-and-manifesting Alone, Let-Down-By-People and Localised while working on Friendships and Leaving Everything Behind. (Not depressed, just struggling.) *sigh* Problem being that my reactions to my interactions locally make me act badly to friends generally. Sorry. I'll do better (in my own eyes, for the self I choose to be), starting with communicating this in this truly imperfect form rather than delay and hope to do better, later.
Oh, and tonight I refuse to accept that we go from religious to sacrilegious, spelling-wise. )"Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin sacrilegium, from sacrilegus one who robs sacred property, from sacr-, sacer + legere to gather, steal," BE DAMNED!)
Be well,
Shift