Emily folds her arms, unimpressed. "I don't like surprises. Ever since mine and Katie's eighth birthday party where we had this horrible clown pop up from nowhere. I cried for about an hour, and Katie kicked him in the shins for upsetting me. Dad had to pay him extra."
ROFL. Dad had to pay him extra = genius (as is Katie with the shin kicking). BEST CLOWN STORY EVAAAAR. Now that that's well and truly out of my system (until, you know, I burst out laughing randomly at some point over the next few days remembering), fucking brilliant, in the genius sense where everything comes together and just leaves you a bit open-mouthed staring. Usually I know what's coming before it does (well, I have feelings about what's coming that are usually pretty accurate), but I was genuinely surprised by the end. Not that it doesn't make sense that they would end up together, just that I wasn't sure at all which way it would go; even with Katie and Effy meddling, I wasn't sure at all. All that tension, and then resolution, and Naomi's circumstances changing (which, we forget sometimes, especially at that age, that things can change and you aren't always stuck); all of it was just brilliant. I'm just fucking impressed, completely fucking impressed. (Which is why I can't stop swearing, I'm trying not to, but it's always my fallback when I can think of no other words.)
As mentioned by multiple people, the feels so natural, so much like something they would actually say it's a bit like watching the show. Dialogue is the thing I have the most trouble with, so I'm doubly amazed with what you've done here. And Emily, you've captured so many parts of her; sometimes she falls a little flat because it's easy to forget that she's this full person, that her whole journey is really about her being a full person with lots of different pieces. On the show, Naomi is the focus of mostly everything in Emily's story because she's Emily's main focus (and the show decided to tie her growth arc with her pursuit of Naomi), but she does have other qualities, other things about her; and you've showcased them so well and so organically, it leaves me a bit mush, you know?
You've also captured the relationship dynamic so incredibly well. Between everyone really, Naomi and Emily obviously are the spot light, but Effy's trying to help (and ultimately being supremely unhelpful because she doesn't really know how to help this time) and Katie's persistant badgering (and putting all the responsibility on Naomi which is LOL after Emily breaks up with Naomi in the first place) and browbeating is just fucking ace. Even the moment with JJ is just perfect and fits.
So, yeah, basically I wasn't sure if this could live up to Jengrrrl's hype, but it does and more. You know when you get like that saying, "Far exceeds expectations," on report cards and it's like, it doesn't really mean anything because you have no idea what was expected of you to begin with (or if those expectations were just set so low that it still doesn't mean anything at all); well, I was expecting a lot, I was expecting something pretty fucking awesome, and this far exceeds, okay? FAR EXCEEDS.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to leave such detailed feedback, it means a lot. ♥ And I'm especially pleased to hear that Emily's characterisation worked for you; when I was writing it I felt like a lot of her motivations or whatever were only implied, or weren't that clear, so I'm glad that she came across well. Again, thank you so much for your comments!
ROFL. Dad had to pay him extra = genius (as is Katie with the shin kicking). BEST CLOWN STORY EVAAAAR. Now that that's well and truly out of my system (until, you know, I burst out laughing randomly at some point over the next few days remembering), fucking brilliant, in the genius sense where everything comes together and just leaves you a bit open-mouthed staring. Usually I know what's coming before it does (well, I have feelings about what's coming that are usually pretty accurate), but I was genuinely surprised by the end. Not that it doesn't make sense that they would end up together, just that I wasn't sure at all which way it would go; even with Katie and Effy meddling, I wasn't sure at all. All that tension, and then resolution, and Naomi's circumstances changing (which, we forget sometimes, especially at that age, that things can change and you aren't always stuck); all of it was just brilliant. I'm just fucking impressed, completely fucking impressed. (Which is why I can't stop swearing, I'm trying not to, but it's always my fallback when I can think of no other words.)
As mentioned by multiple people, the feels so natural, so much like something they would actually say it's a bit like watching the show. Dialogue is the thing I have the most trouble with, so I'm doubly amazed with what you've done here. And Emily, you've captured so many parts of her; sometimes she falls a little flat because it's easy to forget that she's this full person, that her whole journey is really about her being a full person with lots of different pieces. On the show, Naomi is the focus of mostly everything in Emily's story because she's Emily's main focus (and the show decided to tie her growth arc with her pursuit of Naomi), but she does have other qualities, other things about her; and you've showcased them so well and so organically, it leaves me a bit mush, you know?
You've also captured the relationship dynamic so incredibly well. Between everyone really, Naomi and Emily obviously are the spot light, but Effy's trying to help (and ultimately being supremely unhelpful because she doesn't really know how to help this time) and Katie's persistant badgering (and putting all the responsibility on Naomi which is LOL after Emily breaks up with Naomi in the first place) and browbeating is just fucking ace. Even the moment with JJ is just perfect and fits.
So, yeah, basically I wasn't sure if this could live up to Jengrrrl's hype, but it does and more. You know when you get like that saying, "Far exceeds expectations," on report cards and it's like, it doesn't really mean anything because you have no idea what was expected of you to begin with (or if those expectations were just set so low that it still doesn't mean anything at all); well, I was expecting a lot, I was expecting something pretty fucking awesome, and this far exceeds, okay? FAR EXCEEDS.
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