Heather is________________.
regret...what happenes when you feel it. what do you do when you know you cant change the past? it effected your future and now you dont know how to handle it. its your responsibility to cope with it. but how do i cope? how do i live with the thought of my past actions? help me, i need guiedence
well things have been better in the present....sorta but not rele. i think amy and i have some strange tropical disease. amys not doing well at all. i hate when she gets stressed out and stuff. it gets me so upset. :(
i have suspicions about a few things...their wierd...very wierd.
today i went to a family reunion. i didnt know like anyone there lol so i brought katie along :) car rides with that girl totally rock. it was crazy her and i kept getting compliments from a couple of poeple...it was wierd.
bleh i have work tomorrow.
man o man kim commented on my myspace on how much she loved me
" i love you like i love playing my tenor at a comp. when its dark outside and hear the rest of the marching band playing with me and i love you like i love when we get our scores from our last show and they are higher than last weeks and everyone is hugging and close to crying and everyone is super thrilled!!! thats how much i love you"
it makes me miss the competitions soo bad lol just the feeling of setting up on the field, having inspirational talks, doing warm-ups then marching on the field hearing all the poeple around me that i love doing what we love and hearing all the poeple in the crowds then marching off the field knowing that we just owned that field and kick major butt...uh!!! then hearing the scores!!!! and the bus rides...man o man i cant wait until the competition season starts...
another thing iv been missing alot lately is dancing. like real dancing. none of that club crap. i hate the fact that i get so shy that i dont show anyone any of the dances i make up, when i dance alone i feel the the world is at the tips of my toes. and i know im doing great at that very moment. but if im in front of my friends, or an audience, or my sister, especially my sister...i cant do it. most of the dance skools iv been going to in my life SUCK! their song sucks and the dances suck and no matter what song they pick i cant get any feeling into it. my dancing is equivelant to my emotions. i dance the way i feel. idn i guess maybe in my mind im where i want to be in dancing but also i know i can get further with it...just the fact that their are dams blocking my way. and the fact that when im in front of an audience i feel that they expect so much, and i feel i give them so little. i wish someone could hide a camera in my kitchen, just to see the way i dance. oh...how much they would learn about me.
iv been very day dreamish lately. idn i think its that time again....no not the time of the month lol the time where its like i start being all wierd and then like every couple i see im like "awwwwwww their so cute!!! I HOPE THEY DIE!!" yeh that sorta thing. lol its wierd i know but im sure you go thru it too sometimes.
wow i didnt think i was going to write this much
but anyway ugh i hate this. there are so many things i want to do in life ( dance, teach, nurse, phsycologist ) and like i wont be able to get there. my grades sucked so much throughout my life. so i wont be able to get into any of the colleges i want im prob gonna end up at some skool where all there is is weed...haha apposed to what other skool but yeh anyway like idn i always wanted to be like my sister....i geuss cause shes my hero and everyones always like "live up to your sister", but like sometimes im just not my sister and poeple dont get that. i want to be like her, cause shes gonna be the child that succeeds shes going to be the one that does everything she wants. but KJHGKJGLJHGHJGJKH FCUK i dont know i wont be able to get where i want to be. hell i cant even rele get a job at the moment..even tho i hvae one but its only seasonal. i turn 16 in october. i have a little bit over a year to save up and buy a car and everthing. and like i cant even rele get a job being as i want to be in dance, which will be apart of my future and its my independant salvation, and marching band, which i cant leave becuase thats my only dependant salvation. but without a job i cant save up money to get into college to study dance. either way i lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
welp im gonna go....tears are building so im gonna go read some harry potter.
toodles
well things have been better in the present....sorta but not rele. i think amy and i have some strange tropical disease. amys not doing well at all. i hate when she gets stressed out and stuff. it gets me so upset. :(
i have suspicions about a few things...their wierd...very wierd.
today i went to a family reunion. i didnt know like anyone there lol so i brought katie along :) car rides with that girl totally rock. it was crazy her and i kept getting compliments from a couple of poeple...it was wierd.
bleh i have work tomorrow.
man o man kim commented on my myspace on how much she loved me
" i love you like i love playing my tenor at a comp. when its dark outside and hear the rest of the marching band playing with me and i love you like i love when we get our scores from our last show and they are higher than last weeks and everyone is hugging and close to crying and everyone is super thrilled!!! thats how much i love you"
it makes me miss the competitions soo bad lol just the feeling of setting up on the field, having inspirational talks, doing warm-ups then marching on the field hearing all the poeple around me that i love doing what we love and hearing all the poeple in the crowds then marching off the field knowing that we just owned that field and kick major butt...uh!!! then hearing the scores!!!! and the bus rides...man o man i cant wait until the competition season starts...
another thing iv been missing alot lately is dancing. like real dancing. none of that club crap. i hate the fact that i get so shy that i dont show anyone any of the dances i make up, when i dance alone i feel the the world is at the tips of my toes. and i know im doing great at that very moment. but if im in front of my friends, or an audience, or my sister, especially my sister...i cant do it. most of the dance skools iv been going to in my life SUCK! their song sucks and the dances suck and no matter what song they pick i cant get any feeling into it. my dancing is equivelant to my emotions. i dance the way i feel. idn i guess maybe in my mind im where i want to be in dancing but also i know i can get further with it...just the fact that their are dams blocking my way. and the fact that when im in front of an audience i feel that they expect so much, and i feel i give them so little. i wish someone could hide a camera in my kitchen, just to see the way i dance. oh...how much they would learn about me.
iv been very day dreamish lately. idn i think its that time again....no not the time of the month lol the time where its like i start being all wierd and then like every couple i see im like "awwwwwww their so cute!!! I HOPE THEY DIE!!" yeh that sorta thing. lol its wierd i know but im sure you go thru it too sometimes.
wow i didnt think i was going to write this much
but anyway ugh i hate this. there are so many things i want to do in life ( dance, teach, nurse, phsycologist ) and like i wont be able to get there. my grades sucked so much throughout my life. so i wont be able to get into any of the colleges i want im prob gonna end up at some skool where all there is is weed...haha apposed to what other skool but yeh anyway like idn i always wanted to be like my sister....i geuss cause shes my hero and everyones always like "live up to your sister", but like sometimes im just not my sister and poeple dont get that. i want to be like her, cause shes gonna be the child that succeeds shes going to be the one that does everything she wants. but KJHGKJGLJHGHJGJKH FCUK i dont know i wont be able to get where i want to be. hell i cant even rele get a job at the moment..even tho i hvae one but its only seasonal. i turn 16 in october. i have a little bit over a year to save up and buy a car and everthing. and like i cant even rele get a job being as i want to be in dance, which will be apart of my future and its my independant salvation, and marching band, which i cant leave becuase thats my only dependant salvation. but without a job i cant save up money to get into college to study dance. either way i lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
welp im gonna go....tears are building so im gonna go read some harry potter.
toodles