(no subject)
A few questions I pose here to my own self concious.
I just need a place to gather my thoughts.
I do not hold myself exempt from any of the accusations herein contained.
Why do so many girls hate themselves (or worse, pretend to)?
and
Why the fuck can't I stop falling in love with them?
Seriously, these people play the pity card like it's a 21 in vegas. I'm done with pity. It needs to end, I could have a lot better of a life if I didn't tell every girl who says she's horrible "no you're not." I could spend those few breaths of air per compliment to tell myself that I'm wonderful, affirm faith in myself. Heck, with all the time wasted, I could probably have gained some actual self esteem, and I wouldn't have to fake cockiness every day of my life. If you're wondering why I feign self confidence, it's because I'm so sick and tired of people complaining about themselves to me. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone else. If you're going to complain about yourself, complain about yourself to the only person who can actually do anything about it; you. And then repeat after me "I unconditionally love and forgive myself."
Keep repeating.
It's the same reason I don't leave voicemails anymore. I hate having to check voicemails (Answering machines are an entirely different matter, but you hardly see those anymore.) so I don't make other people check them either. Who knows, maybe someone does want a message from me, maybe someone does want to hear my problems with myself. Regardless, I don't think these things should be said, and I'm asking the world to stop saying them to me.
I have a problem with caring. The people who do this the most to me are the people I care about, the people I love. I admit that there is no better feeling than being praised, and that is exactly what these people use me for. Now I really like the feeling of making people feel good. It brings me happiness to bring you happiness, but I'm going to have to stop entreating beggers. This goes for homeless people as well, if I start my day off with the decision to give someone money, I don't need you yelling "spare some change" in my face to remind me, it was my decision in the first place. People have gotten used to me being nice to them, they lean on it, they can always count on me for a white lie to make them feel better. I've got one who tells me repeatedly that mine is an opinion that she honestly trusts. No. Mine is an opinion that will make her feel better, because I haven't had the heart to do anything but cxompliment her since the end of freshman year. Now I have another, a much more sped-up model of the situation I continually find myself in. I started off insulting her, then started actually talking to her, she won my respect and I begin to compliment her. Immediately after she brings on a whole slew of problems she has with herself so that I can make her feel better about it all. Today our conversation began with "I suck." Having this rant already half-written, I (after a few words on why she sucked) told her to talk to me when she feels better, and left. I can guarentee you right now that the first thing she says to me next will be a complaint. From that point on I will begin to hate her. But I cannot bring myself to stop caring. My white lies grow increasingly bold as I take every nescessary step not to insult her, but inside I loathe her every being.
She will never know. She will call me the sweetest person she has ever met untill the day she dies.
It's a real pity, I found her extremely interesting...
once.
I just need a place to gather my thoughts.
I do not hold myself exempt from any of the accusations herein contained.
Why do so many girls hate themselves (or worse, pretend to)?
and
Why the fuck can't I stop falling in love with them?
Seriously, these people play the pity card like it's a 21 in vegas. I'm done with pity. It needs to end, I could have a lot better of a life if I didn't tell every girl who says she's horrible "no you're not." I could spend those few breaths of air per compliment to tell myself that I'm wonderful, affirm faith in myself. Heck, with all the time wasted, I could probably have gained some actual self esteem, and I wouldn't have to fake cockiness every day of my life. If you're wondering why I feign self confidence, it's because I'm so sick and tired of people complaining about themselves to me. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone else. If you're going to complain about yourself, complain about yourself to the only person who can actually do anything about it; you. And then repeat after me "I unconditionally love and forgive myself."
Keep repeating.
It's the same reason I don't leave voicemails anymore. I hate having to check voicemails (Answering machines are an entirely different matter, but you hardly see those anymore.) so I don't make other people check them either. Who knows, maybe someone does want a message from me, maybe someone does want to hear my problems with myself. Regardless, I don't think these things should be said, and I'm asking the world to stop saying them to me.
I have a problem with caring. The people who do this the most to me are the people I care about, the people I love. I admit that there is no better feeling than being praised, and that is exactly what these people use me for. Now I really like the feeling of making people feel good. It brings me happiness to bring you happiness, but I'm going to have to stop entreating beggers. This goes for homeless people as well, if I start my day off with the decision to give someone money, I don't need you yelling "spare some change" in my face to remind me, it was my decision in the first place. People have gotten used to me being nice to them, they lean on it, they can always count on me for a white lie to make them feel better. I've got one who tells me repeatedly that mine is an opinion that she honestly trusts. No. Mine is an opinion that will make her feel better, because I haven't had the heart to do anything but cxompliment her since the end of freshman year. Now I have another, a much more sped-up model of the situation I continually find myself in. I started off insulting her, then started actually talking to her, she won my respect and I begin to compliment her. Immediately after she brings on a whole slew of problems she has with herself so that I can make her feel better about it all. Today our conversation began with "I suck." Having this rant already half-written, I (after a few words on why she sucked) told her to talk to me when she feels better, and left. I can guarentee you right now that the first thing she says to me next will be a complaint. From that point on I will begin to hate her. But I cannot bring myself to stop caring. My white lies grow increasingly bold as I take every nescessary step not to insult her, but inside I loathe her every being.
She will never know. She will call me the sweetest person she has ever met untill the day she dies.
It's a real pity, I found her extremely interesting...
once.