Here's the full letter, as written to Mr. Stuart Bangs.
An Open Letter to Mr. Stuart Bangs
Dear Sir,
What follows is a record of the events which took place on the night of Friday, January 20, 2006, and should provide insight into the monetary disputes that came forward as a result. I find it very unfortunate that you have decided to be technical in the settlement of this dispute, but I’m willing to oblige. You bought a total of 60 beers, in 12 packs, at a rate of nine dollars each coming to a 45 dollar total value and 75 cents per can of beer. Ten people including yourself were at the party and you were charging them 5 dollars a head for drinking. This would have been a good deal for you seeing as 5 dollars a head would make you 45 dollars from everyone else and you would have drank for free. Andrew, however, did not drink, therefore you now have to put in five dollars towards the beer as well. This is still, admittedly, not a bad deal. However, one of those twelve packs, which you have laid claim to be your property from henceforth, did not get opened, so we are down to 48 beers for 36 dollars. Giving you a total profit of 4 dollars, and free drinks. Over the course of the night, it has been fairly estimated, you drank eight beers. Now, for the rest of us, we are down to 40 beers which totals to a cost of 30 dollars. Kevin Goulart paid you 15 dollars for his beer and the beers of his friends. Derek Naggengast paid ten for himself. I paid five. This covers the 30 dollars worth of beer that was not consumed by and no longer belongs to you. Now you claim that you are owed a minimum of five more dollars, but preferably ten more for the drinking of the two girls Kate and Julia judging on your rate of five dollars a head. This would give you a five to ten dollar profit and is unacceptable. The girls have claimed, with reliable witnesses, to have only drunk 3 beers between them. A cost of two dollars and 25 cents. I myself, in two rounds of beer pong only drank three beers, also totaling to $2.25, therefore I will be a gentleman and include their drinking in the five dollars that I gave you.
Now, if this monetary dispute has not been properly resolved, then I have another suggestion. I will give you the 45 dollars for the sixty beers if you give me the remaining beer that is in my refrigerator, the five dollars I gave you, the ten dollars Derek gave you, the 15 dollars that kevin gave you, and the six dollars that you owe for the leniently estimated eight beers that you drank. From now on, if you wish to make a profit in my house, I offer another simple solution. We will give you the money for the beer plus 5 dollars and you will allow us to work out the money for the guests to pay. In return for the five dollars extra, you will not be welcome to this establishment, nor will you ask anything more of us to do with that beer. If it is your wish to find a place where you get to turn a profit and not clean up after yourself, than I suggest that you continue with your search.
Thank you for your time and patience,
The Proprietors
Dear Sir,
What follows is a record of the events which took place on the night of Friday, January 20, 2006, and should provide insight into the monetary disputes that came forward as a result. I find it very unfortunate that you have decided to be technical in the settlement of this dispute, but I’m willing to oblige. You bought a total of 60 beers, in 12 packs, at a rate of nine dollars each coming to a 45 dollar total value and 75 cents per can of beer. Ten people including yourself were at the party and you were charging them 5 dollars a head for drinking. This would have been a good deal for you seeing as 5 dollars a head would make you 45 dollars from everyone else and you would have drank for free. Andrew, however, did not drink, therefore you now have to put in five dollars towards the beer as well. This is still, admittedly, not a bad deal. However, one of those twelve packs, which you have laid claim to be your property from henceforth, did not get opened, so we are down to 48 beers for 36 dollars. Giving you a total profit of 4 dollars, and free drinks. Over the course of the night, it has been fairly estimated, you drank eight beers. Now, for the rest of us, we are down to 40 beers which totals to a cost of 30 dollars. Kevin Goulart paid you 15 dollars for his beer and the beers of his friends. Derek Naggengast paid ten for himself. I paid five. This covers the 30 dollars worth of beer that was not consumed by and no longer belongs to you. Now you claim that you are owed a minimum of five more dollars, but preferably ten more for the drinking of the two girls Kate and Julia judging on your rate of five dollars a head. This would give you a five to ten dollar profit and is unacceptable. The girls have claimed, with reliable witnesses, to have only drunk 3 beers between them. A cost of two dollars and 25 cents. I myself, in two rounds of beer pong only drank three beers, also totaling to $2.25, therefore I will be a gentleman and include their drinking in the five dollars that I gave you.
Now, if this monetary dispute has not been properly resolved, then I have another suggestion. I will give you the 45 dollars for the sixty beers if you give me the remaining beer that is in my refrigerator, the five dollars I gave you, the ten dollars Derek gave you, the 15 dollars that kevin gave you, and the six dollars that you owe for the leniently estimated eight beers that you drank. From now on, if you wish to make a profit in my house, I offer another simple solution. We will give you the money for the beer plus 5 dollars and you will allow us to work out the money for the guests to pay. In return for the five dollars extra, you will not be welcome to this establishment, nor will you ask anything more of us to do with that beer. If it is your wish to find a place where you get to turn a profit and not clean up after yourself, than I suggest that you continue with your search.
Thank you for your time and patience,
The Proprietors