"Chapter Four:" So many things left undone...
I've just felt very apologetic lately. Here goes.
To Josh:
Sorry for not being the best friend I like to think I am. Not much of a conversationalist anymore, not good with whatever moral supports you're needing, and certainly not nearly the drinking buddy you'd like. I'll work on it, buddy.
To Steve (Cheryba):
Sorry for all the shit you get, man. You're a good guy, and damn entertaining. I'll work on that, too.
To Jason:
I don't know. I can't think of anything, but I've probably fucked with you enough to make an impression. Sorry about beating on your brother's drums, too.
To Drew:
Your whole environmental thing is as admirable as annoying, man. Sorry if I don't get that across when I'm ragging on you. I'll try not to offer you anymore cigarettes, too. Keep fighting the good fight.
To Jess:
Wow, I guess this is a big one. Sorry for everything. Plain and simple. I wish things could've been different, or ended better, and I know it's my fault that they're not/it didn't. You're a better person than I would've originally given you credit for, and you didn't deserve what you got. I wish I could make it up to you without complicating the situation any further.
To Hughes:
Damnit. I'm sorry about everything, Hughes. I always thought you understood that me picking on you was just my way of letting you know I like having you around. You were more than just my girlfriend's friend to me, and I wish we could've stayed friends. You were always good for a talk, and I guess I didn't think about that, or took it for granted, or something. Sorry about that.
To Lauren:
Sorry for sticking you between two of your closest friends. I have this knack for not thinking past my own immediate future, and I wish it hadn't turned out so badly for you. My sincerest apologies. Thanks for coming to Dashboard with me.
To Elisse:
Sorry for complicating your life. I didn't want to put you at odds with your family, or strip you of your circle of friends. Like I said, I wasn't thinking, and maybe it would've been better if I hadn't kissed you. Regardless, you deserve your friends back, and the affections of someone much better a man than myself.
To my mom:
I love you. I give you shit all the time, and you can be a real bitch, but I love you. Perhaps the only constant in my life all these 18 years, you did what you had to do, and I'm a better person for it. Don't ever stop, no matter what I say. Sorry about all the smoking, and the occasional drinking, too.
To Dan:
I know you're not gay, don't worry. I just get pissed off easily around potential 'father figures,' and that's just me. It's nothing personal.
To Elyse (stepsister):
Sorry for never paying you back for Lauren's ticket. Make a note, I'll get you that twenty-five bucks before you leave for Germany. Thanks for making the transition into this whole 'mixed family' scene easier.
To Chris:
Fuck, I haven't done anything to you. Still, if I did and I just forget, I'm sorry.
To Megan:
God, you can be the biggest bitch sometimes, but you're my sister, and I've got your back if you need me. I love you, too. Have fun in Sweden.
To Lawrence John Kelly II:
You're probably not the bastard I tell everyone you are. You probably had a hard life, and a harder time being a father than I took into account. You did scar me, and I still am very upset with you, but I doubt you did it on purpose. Sorry about never picking up the phone when you've called, but I just don't want to let you back in yet, if ever. Don't take it too hard. Hopefully your just and loving God will see in you what I won't let myself.
To Erin:
I'm sure I loved you, but somehow I managed to fuck that up. If you still hate me, or whatever, that's cool. I feel like I'm at the point where I can discuss that time of my life, perhaps even with you, without breaking down or flipping out. Say hi to Jon for me, even though we've never met.
To Kristen:
Sorry about your head. I only pick on you because I know you can give as good as you take, and that's the fun little twist in our friendship. Stay cool in Delaware.
To Nicole:
We really need to hang out more. Sorry for saying that time and again and never capitalizing on it. Sometime soon, I promise.
To Angie:
Dinner, soon, I swear. Sorry for flaking on that.
To Eddie:
If you want to wear your collar up, that's your bit, man. You're just as cool either way.
To Chickaly:
I'll shut up more often from now on, I promise. Thanks for keeping me in check this last year or so. Tell Matt he's one lucky S.O.B. for nabbing you, and make sure he knows it, too.
To Steve (Reilly):
Sorry for getting you temporarily addicted to alcohol at my 'birthday bonanza.' Despite all the emo jokes and that shit, you're a cool kid, and fuckin' smart beyond reason. Good luck wherever. And sorry for sticking you at the bottom.
To Katie:
We don't talk enough. I'll get on that. I mean it. Keep your chin up, and all that crap.
To Alie:
Thanks for inadvertently getting me deeper into the Saddle Creek sub-culture, and also Damien Rice. Sorry for not keeping in touch much after the fall of Dashtabs. You're the coolest kid I know that side of the Atlantic, so don't go changing. Look me up if you're ever in Pennsylvania. I mean it.
I think that's it for now.
To Josh:
Sorry for not being the best friend I like to think I am. Not much of a conversationalist anymore, not good with whatever moral supports you're needing, and certainly not nearly the drinking buddy you'd like. I'll work on it, buddy.
To Steve (Cheryba):
Sorry for all the shit you get, man. You're a good guy, and damn entertaining. I'll work on that, too.
To Jason:
I don't know. I can't think of anything, but I've probably fucked with you enough to make an impression. Sorry about beating on your brother's drums, too.
To Drew:
Your whole environmental thing is as admirable as annoying, man. Sorry if I don't get that across when I'm ragging on you. I'll try not to offer you anymore cigarettes, too. Keep fighting the good fight.
To Jess:
Wow, I guess this is a big one. Sorry for everything. Plain and simple. I wish things could've been different, or ended better, and I know it's my fault that they're not/it didn't. You're a better person than I would've originally given you credit for, and you didn't deserve what you got. I wish I could make it up to you without complicating the situation any further.
To Hughes:
Damnit. I'm sorry about everything, Hughes. I always thought you understood that me picking on you was just my way of letting you know I like having you around. You were more than just my girlfriend's friend to me, and I wish we could've stayed friends. You were always good for a talk, and I guess I didn't think about that, or took it for granted, or something. Sorry about that.
To Lauren:
Sorry for sticking you between two of your closest friends. I have this knack for not thinking past my own immediate future, and I wish it hadn't turned out so badly for you. My sincerest apologies. Thanks for coming to Dashboard with me.
To Elisse:
Sorry for complicating your life. I didn't want to put you at odds with your family, or strip you of your circle of friends. Like I said, I wasn't thinking, and maybe it would've been better if I hadn't kissed you. Regardless, you deserve your friends back, and the affections of someone much better a man than myself.
To my mom:
I love you. I give you shit all the time, and you can be a real bitch, but I love you. Perhaps the only constant in my life all these 18 years, you did what you had to do, and I'm a better person for it. Don't ever stop, no matter what I say. Sorry about all the smoking, and the occasional drinking, too.
To Dan:
I know you're not gay, don't worry. I just get pissed off easily around potential 'father figures,' and that's just me. It's nothing personal.
To Elyse (stepsister):
Sorry for never paying you back for Lauren's ticket. Make a note, I'll get you that twenty-five bucks before you leave for Germany. Thanks for making the transition into this whole 'mixed family' scene easier.
To Chris:
Fuck, I haven't done anything to you. Still, if I did and I just forget, I'm sorry.
To Megan:
God, you can be the biggest bitch sometimes, but you're my sister, and I've got your back if you need me. I love you, too. Have fun in Sweden.
To Lawrence John Kelly II:
You're probably not the bastard I tell everyone you are. You probably had a hard life, and a harder time being a father than I took into account. You did scar me, and I still am very upset with you, but I doubt you did it on purpose. Sorry about never picking up the phone when you've called, but I just don't want to let you back in yet, if ever. Don't take it too hard. Hopefully your just and loving God will see in you what I won't let myself.
To Erin:
I'm sure I loved you, but somehow I managed to fuck that up. If you still hate me, or whatever, that's cool. I feel like I'm at the point where I can discuss that time of my life, perhaps even with you, without breaking down or flipping out. Say hi to Jon for me, even though we've never met.
To Kristen:
Sorry about your head. I only pick on you because I know you can give as good as you take, and that's the fun little twist in our friendship. Stay cool in Delaware.
To Nicole:
We really need to hang out more. Sorry for saying that time and again and never capitalizing on it. Sometime soon, I promise.
To Angie:
Dinner, soon, I swear. Sorry for flaking on that.
To Eddie:
If you want to wear your collar up, that's your bit, man. You're just as cool either way.
To Chickaly:
I'll shut up more often from now on, I promise. Thanks for keeping me in check this last year or so. Tell Matt he's one lucky S.O.B. for nabbing you, and make sure he knows it, too.
To Steve (Reilly):
Sorry for getting you temporarily addicted to alcohol at my 'birthday bonanza.' Despite all the emo jokes and that shit, you're a cool kid, and fuckin' smart beyond reason. Good luck wherever. And sorry for sticking you at the bottom.
To Katie:
We don't talk enough. I'll get on that. I mean it. Keep your chin up, and all that crap.
To Alie:
Thanks for inadvertently getting me deeper into the Saddle Creek sub-culture, and also Damien Rice. Sorry for not keeping in touch much after the fall of Dashtabs. You're the coolest kid I know that side of the Atlantic, so don't go changing. Look me up if you're ever in Pennsylvania. I mean it.
I think that's it for now.