"my passive-aggressiveness can be devastating."
all of this is finally breaking up my writer's block. i'm at my dad's and journal-less, but i've forgotten for a month or so how it feels to feel like this, and i want to write it out.
i feel like writing in here is a glorified way of talking to myself, and i know it should all be directed at someone else anyway. (but...) i can't help it. its a natural reaction to think out loud this way.
nicaragua and panama were amazing. a lot of what i needed. i was at my aunt's tonight, looking at pictures from there, and i almost cried at the first picture of little marbelis. i'm so glad so much of that stuff was captured, like the welcome day, because i had forgotten so much of it. she has a picture of roberto blowing bubbles on the last day of vbs. i'm so glad i got to see all of this...
i've been sick on and off since getting home, though. today was the worst - i left work early and came here and laid around all day. i hate this feeling, like its a wasted day. i hate sitting and waiting, i hate that i let myself do that. even though i know its just tricking my ego, i remind myself how i feel so much better to have chilled, and i'm glad i went to aunt sue's and saw those pictures, so i feel like today was good in that way.
all kinds of problems with don as well, which escalated this morning. i doubt anyone can tell, but i'm really keeping my mouth shut more than it wants me to.
i really let myself get happy lately though, i must say. july has been good to me, mostly. a year ago tonight i was seeing oar, and then leaving in the morning for chicago. so, thats strange. but really this month is the first complete one where i've felt better about everything that kind of plagued me for the first half of this year (!! whoa. to realize that.) and i know things can't go on that way forever, so really to have one bad day should be expected. and i should be fair and say that no one is perfect, and circumstances rule our lives, and nothing is anyone's fault if they have good intentions, etc, etc. its just hard, when things build up, to have them take a step back. i guess, more specifically, this is about kyle, and don, and my job that at one time i loved, and probably subconsciously this is still partly about noelle, and my mom, and a lot of things that i guess i've seen sliding today.
i can keep saying its okay, its okay. but until its tomorrow i won't really believe that it is. i can be irrational and i can suck in that way.
i feel like writing in here is a glorified way of talking to myself, and i know it should all be directed at someone else anyway. (but...) i can't help it. its a natural reaction to think out loud this way.
nicaragua and panama were amazing. a lot of what i needed. i was at my aunt's tonight, looking at pictures from there, and i almost cried at the first picture of little marbelis. i'm so glad so much of that stuff was captured, like the welcome day, because i had forgotten so much of it. she has a picture of roberto blowing bubbles on the last day of vbs. i'm so glad i got to see all of this...
i've been sick on and off since getting home, though. today was the worst - i left work early and came here and laid around all day. i hate this feeling, like its a wasted day. i hate sitting and waiting, i hate that i let myself do that. even though i know its just tricking my ego, i remind myself how i feel so much better to have chilled, and i'm glad i went to aunt sue's and saw those pictures, so i feel like today was good in that way.
all kinds of problems with don as well, which escalated this morning. i doubt anyone can tell, but i'm really keeping my mouth shut more than it wants me to.
i really let myself get happy lately though, i must say. july has been good to me, mostly. a year ago tonight i was seeing oar, and then leaving in the morning for chicago. so, thats strange. but really this month is the first complete one where i've felt better about everything that kind of plagued me for the first half of this year (!! whoa. to realize that.) and i know things can't go on that way forever, so really to have one bad day should be expected. and i should be fair and say that no one is perfect, and circumstances rule our lives, and nothing is anyone's fault if they have good intentions, etc, etc. its just hard, when things build up, to have them take a step back. i guess, more specifically, this is about kyle, and don, and my job that at one time i loved, and probably subconsciously this is still partly about noelle, and my mom, and a lot of things that i guess i've seen sliding today.
i can keep saying its okay, its okay. but until its tomorrow i won't really believe that it is. i can be irrational and i can suck in that way.