FRUSTRATION!!!
I'm am so damn frustrated right now and since I'm having a hard time finding more than one person to talk to, I'm putting it down here. Let's see...half the situations are all being seen from my perspective which we all know can be skewed. Number one, my friend...a close friend. She's in a very bad place right now and I really can't do much to help her. The intervention as the might say in nursing school is not going to meet my hypothesis. Maybe I'm having an issue with this because I was abused at a younger age, but I just want my friend to be safe and I surely don't want to lose touch with her after graduation. This would be a disaster...Second, my heart...Not doin' so hot. Still not strong enough to handle a pacemaker, and I'm going to have to get an implantable loop recorder...or so everyone thinks. I have made the final decision that I will not be having this device (about the size of a jump drive) inserted into my chest...absolutely not...so lots of personal decisions there. My family and friends will probably all be mad at me for not doing it but if there's a chance I could die anyways, leave me the fuck alone! Third, this boy, that I like, well things just got weird. Communication is failing and I'm scared about what will happen. Clearly I care for him a lot...Part of the problem...and I'm well aware, is that I'm a straight up bitch. After that cortisone shot (the drug that causes my mood imbalance) I became a beast without even realizing it and for that I am sorry. I've been working really hard to get well. Taking extra medication daily is helping. I want things to work out but only time will tell. Fourth, my mom just found out she will be chronically ill for the rest of her life with gout...she can barely walk right now. Since I was a baby my mom has been sick with various illnesses. I've taken for granted over the years that she was the healthy one compared to me especially and the rest of the family. My godmother once told me that the doctors didn't expect her to live this long let alone be walking. She said the moment she was told she could adopt a baby girl her life changed. She became stronger than her illnesses and proved everyone wrong by being the strongest woman I know. Because of this, I have always feared the loss of my mother. This is something a close friend of mine has experienced and I just don't know if I could survive that loss. Although gout is a treatable condition, it just proves to me that nobody is safe from the dreaded chronic illness. Fifth, I just spent the past ten weeks busting my ass for an A in a one credit hour course, and sixth my friendship with my friend Brandon is all jacked up. He really cares about me (for which I am lucky) and I really care about him. Friendship isn't working because other feelings are getting in the way. I really still want to be friends with this person...but I'm not sure whether that will work out. I'm graduating on Friday and Saturday, a place no one thought I'd make it too. I'm pretty proud of myself all things considered but I would never verbally admit that. I think I'm done blabbing now...Thanks for tuning in this time folks...the next entry prolly won't be for a while...I'll be moving soon! YAY! NEW CONDO...:)