(no subject)
Well, most of you know and im sorry if i havent contacted you its just been pretty hard.
Life has a fucked up way of turning out and throwing you a curve ball. I know that its probably for the best and that something could have been seriously wrong, or the timing wasnt right, or the stress was too much or whatever, but that doesnt lessen the blow just the same. I'm definetly not looking for sympathy i just needed somewhere to vent and write. I can talk to Karmen, but i know that he is trying to deal with everything himself as well as try to be strong for me so i guess he has a little more on his plate.
Monday nite, I had some bleeding and at first i was just like...oh its just spotting itll be okay, i called 408link and they said pretty much the same thing....but i just had a bad feeling about it. I tried to call karmen but he had left work already and he didnt have his cell phone and he was going out for supper with his mom that nite. And i didnt want to alarm her so i waited and then Karm called, I told him not to worry just to get home soon. He got home and i still had the awful awful feeling, so Tess took Kayla and we went to grey nuns. K this is one thing that pisses me off. I tell them that im 11 weeks pregnant and that i have bleeding and stuff...but "oh sorry cuz youre not at least 20 weeks (or whatever they said) we cant take you in right away you just have to wait like everyone else" I understand but still when youre in that situation its friggin maddening. So they finally get me in, make me pee in a cup and all that wonerful stuff including the nice robe that exposes your bum. The doctor comes in and talks to me draws me a diagram on my bed sheet and everything, says he'll get blood taken and be back to do what is like a pap smear but to check to see if my cervix is open or closed. This is after the doctor had explained more things that it could be, such as some of the placenta ripped and then he said that the baby could survive without half a placenta so that gave us some hope. He came back examined me and stuff and said that everything looks fine and that im measuring where i should be. Sigh of relief...grrr i wish that i wouldnt have gotten my hopes up.
I had an ultrasound scheduled for tuesday anyways because there is twins on both sides of the family and we just wanted to make sure that there is only one. The technician that did the ultrasound didnt really say much to me the whole time so i knew somethign was up, and then when she said she had to go get the radiologist to look at the pictures i knew..i mean i knew! He came in and looked didnt say much, pretty well took a deep breath and told me the words that echo in my ears. "unfortunatly the baby isnt measuring where it should be, and there is no heartbeat, the baby is measuring at 6 weeks, you're supposed to be 11 weeks...So in other words your body is miscarrying the baby" I lost it, the technician asked me if i wanted her to go get my husband and asked his name...i couldnt even say karmen...i had to try 3 times to say it. Karmen walks in and i had to try and tell him, that was seriously the hardest thing that i have ever done.
So we went and picked up kayla didnt say anything to his parents and went to woodbridge farms with kayla. Man if i didnt have her this would be sooo much harder...its hard but she is so amazing. Went for lunch after my eyes werent puffed out to all hell.
Came home, had a phone call from my obstetrition (bad spelling)they explained things better to me...well sorta, tried to nap but couldnt, karmen and kayla did so i went for a walk...mostly cried...and walked.
Yesterday was the worst part...other than being told that we lost the baby, like every time i would stand or walk (i know this is sick and disgusting but i gotta write it and get it out) I would get clots that i could feel coming out, so i would go to the bathroom and these huge clots would come out and its the most horrible thing in the world cuz i know that its either the baby part of the baby or something to do with the baby, and its the most excrutiating thing to think. I tried not to think it but i couldnt help it.
Things are getting better today, its like a one step at a time thing. Karmen has until monday off...Kevin called him yesterday and said that they didnt want to see him back in that shop until then. We did get some good news yesterday tho which was kinda bittersweet, Tammy called and told us that when she registered the lot (where our house is gonna be build) in our names that the stupid caveat had been lifted off...so everything is free and clear!!! We are going into the builder today to remove conditions and get the blue prints to look over and then we can start building like soon! Im excited but its gonna be shitty in a way cuz i was so excited about decorating the nursery and everything, but now its gonna be a spare bedroom. I think that all of the house still will keep me busy and hopefully my mind off of things. we're SO having a housewarming party..i dont care how cold it is out. One of the hardest people to tell was tammy, we told her last nite when we went to go pick up the land title...i could hardly get the words out.
I am so thankful that we have the friends and family that we do, i know that we'll get through this, and we will have another baby, but its just hard right now. We have 87% chance of having a normal full term pregnancy next time, when is next time? after we get settled into the house i think. I am not getting pregnant while there is any type of constant stress i think.
Im looking forward to michelles "party" tomorrow i think its just what i need.
but ne ways i gotta get going and get on with the day.
like i said im not looking for sympathy i just needed to get this all out.
Life has a fucked up way of turning out and throwing you a curve ball. I know that its probably for the best and that something could have been seriously wrong, or the timing wasnt right, or the stress was too much or whatever, but that doesnt lessen the blow just the same. I'm definetly not looking for sympathy i just needed somewhere to vent and write. I can talk to Karmen, but i know that he is trying to deal with everything himself as well as try to be strong for me so i guess he has a little more on his plate.
Monday nite, I had some bleeding and at first i was just like...oh its just spotting itll be okay, i called 408link and they said pretty much the same thing....but i just had a bad feeling about it. I tried to call karmen but he had left work already and he didnt have his cell phone and he was going out for supper with his mom that nite. And i didnt want to alarm her so i waited and then Karm called, I told him not to worry just to get home soon. He got home and i still had the awful awful feeling, so Tess took Kayla and we went to grey nuns. K this is one thing that pisses me off. I tell them that im 11 weeks pregnant and that i have bleeding and stuff...but "oh sorry cuz youre not at least 20 weeks (or whatever they said) we cant take you in right away you just have to wait like everyone else" I understand but still when youre in that situation its friggin maddening. So they finally get me in, make me pee in a cup and all that wonerful stuff including the nice robe that exposes your bum. The doctor comes in and talks to me draws me a diagram on my bed sheet and everything, says he'll get blood taken and be back to do what is like a pap smear but to check to see if my cervix is open or closed. This is after the doctor had explained more things that it could be, such as some of the placenta ripped and then he said that the baby could survive without half a placenta so that gave us some hope. He came back examined me and stuff and said that everything looks fine and that im measuring where i should be. Sigh of relief...grrr i wish that i wouldnt have gotten my hopes up.
I had an ultrasound scheduled for tuesday anyways because there is twins on both sides of the family and we just wanted to make sure that there is only one. The technician that did the ultrasound didnt really say much to me the whole time so i knew somethign was up, and then when she said she had to go get the radiologist to look at the pictures i knew..i mean i knew! He came in and looked didnt say much, pretty well took a deep breath and told me the words that echo in my ears. "unfortunatly the baby isnt measuring where it should be, and there is no heartbeat, the baby is measuring at 6 weeks, you're supposed to be 11 weeks...So in other words your body is miscarrying the baby" I lost it, the technician asked me if i wanted her to go get my husband and asked his name...i couldnt even say karmen...i had to try 3 times to say it. Karmen walks in and i had to try and tell him, that was seriously the hardest thing that i have ever done.
So we went and picked up kayla didnt say anything to his parents and went to woodbridge farms with kayla. Man if i didnt have her this would be sooo much harder...its hard but she is so amazing. Went for lunch after my eyes werent puffed out to all hell.
Came home, had a phone call from my obstetrition (bad spelling)they explained things better to me...well sorta, tried to nap but couldnt, karmen and kayla did so i went for a walk...mostly cried...and walked.
Yesterday was the worst part...other than being told that we lost the baby, like every time i would stand or walk (i know this is sick and disgusting but i gotta write it and get it out) I would get clots that i could feel coming out, so i would go to the bathroom and these huge clots would come out and its the most horrible thing in the world cuz i know that its either the baby part of the baby or something to do with the baby, and its the most excrutiating thing to think. I tried not to think it but i couldnt help it.
Things are getting better today, its like a one step at a time thing. Karmen has until monday off...Kevin called him yesterday and said that they didnt want to see him back in that shop until then. We did get some good news yesterday tho which was kinda bittersweet, Tammy called and told us that when she registered the lot (where our house is gonna be build) in our names that the stupid caveat had been lifted off...so everything is free and clear!!! We are going into the builder today to remove conditions and get the blue prints to look over and then we can start building like soon! Im excited but its gonna be shitty in a way cuz i was so excited about decorating the nursery and everything, but now its gonna be a spare bedroom. I think that all of the house still will keep me busy and hopefully my mind off of things. we're SO having a housewarming party..i dont care how cold it is out. One of the hardest people to tell was tammy, we told her last nite when we went to go pick up the land title...i could hardly get the words out.
I am so thankful that we have the friends and family that we do, i know that we'll get through this, and we will have another baby, but its just hard right now. We have 87% chance of having a normal full term pregnancy next time, when is next time? after we get settled into the house i think. I am not getting pregnant while there is any type of constant stress i think.
Im looking forward to michelles "party" tomorrow i think its just what i need.
but ne ways i gotta get going and get on with the day.
like i said im not looking for sympathy i just needed to get this all out.