This Is Supposed To Help
I hate the way guys make me feel. I really, really do. I hate being led on and I hate being hurt. I know hating those things isn't out of the ordinary, but it seems like those are the only emotions I feel when it comes to guys. I thought maybe I had found someone different. Cut from a different cloth, he said. Not your typical guy, he said. Well he lied, I said. He's no different from every other guy that solely wants to have sex with everyone he meets. I want to throw up. Right there, the thought of him sleeping with others while sleeping with me makes me want to vomit. I haven't cried over a guy in quite some time. I feel naive and unable to control my feelings. All these men I've liked that end up making me feel like shit are all in their late 20's and basically almost 30. Am I so wrong to want to invest myself in another person, and only in them. I don't want to date someone while also 'exploring my options.' I feel like an absolute idiot, and Kelly said writing about it would help me; so here ya go livejournal, work your magic. Or don't. I don't understand why he would go to the trouble to give me his number (something he was SO nervous about doing) and then proceed to go on dates/hang out for 3 weeks if he didn't want something more. I really didn't expect to be this hurt. I am though. And it aches more than I can explain right now. I thought there was a lot of potential there - lots of room to grow and have fun. I put myself out there when I should have held myself back. I should have explored my other options too, but I didn't. I want to scream and cry, but most of all I want to ask him WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING? He understands if I'm not comfortable with the fact of him sleeping with others, because I have to ' be true to myself' he says. He doesn't want anything serious because he also must 'be true to himself' he says. I say that information would have been helpful after the 1st or 2nd date. It's not a competition between me and the other guys, he says, because he doesn't want a relationship at all. Hm, well what am I doing then? Friends? I don't sleep with friends. I don't hold hands in public with friends. I don't kiss my friends on the mouth for long periods of time. I don't give my friends head.
Yet again Jack, you're naivety and stupidity has gotten you hurt once again. Have a day to think it over, he says. What am I to conclude? Ok, we can keep sailing this sea that has already hurt me, or I can abandon ship and attempt to swim again. Maybe I'll just drown - I hear it's a lot like falling asleep.
In the end I guess it doesn't really matter. He'll never realize what he lost, and I'll never realize what I gained.
Yet again Jack, you're naivety and stupidity has gotten you hurt once again. Have a day to think it over, he says. What am I to conclude? Ok, we can keep sailing this sea that has already hurt me, or I can abandon ship and attempt to swim again. Maybe I'll just drown - I hear it's a lot like falling asleep.
In the end I guess it doesn't really matter. He'll never realize what he lost, and I'll never realize what I gained.