(no subject)
I was already depressed, so this coming up is probably hitting me worse than it should. A few times this week, I've been described and recommended as a kind of surrogate boyfriend: a guy to call on when an actual romantic interest isn't available or interested in an activity. I think that in each case, the intention was to say that I'm nice, polite, good at stuff and interested in things some other guys aren't or won't admit to, and that's all well and good, but now it's hitting me as "you're not good enough to be happy, but you're useful enough to be used." And it sucks, because I don't feel like anybody actually feels like that about me but me, so I then feel guilty for assigning my own bit of self-loathing to what was probably, in reality, innocently meant by the other people involved, and finally I feel stupid for the whole mess. I used to enjoy dancing because it's fun, and eventually I realized that some women I was dancing with were dancing with me because their husbands or boyfriends don't or won't dance, and it kind of tainted dancing for me. Now I don't dance very often, and every once in a while when I let myself, I feel a heavy sense of loneliness afterwards.