Sorry, I just need a moment
We all know I've been blogging on my own blog for a while, but I need to use this forum of fantastic women who read this for just a small moment to vent about something extremely selfish...
I'm tired of my brother's death hanging over everything. EVERYTHING.
It's a horrible thought, and I hate that I think it, but the few moments of my own life when I'm not harping on it myself, is when someone else has a breakdown and apparently can't be left alone (which is good) or something like that.
my mother called and left me a message saying it's a long story but she's down the cape and not coming back till tomorrow. so i of course call needing to know the story. which i don't get, i just get "i had a breakdown about chris."
i know you all know that i'm just being a terrible person and that i know my mom really needs her breakdowns (in the same way she needs to have sex...and soon...or i'll kill her) and that i'm glad she's working through stuff.......
but selfishly, and ugl-i-ly, i was having a pretty good day and it just kicked me in the gut to hear she's not doing well. and, that i was calling her about my birthday and had no idea any of this was going on this morning so i feel like an ass because i didn't know and i'm babbling about my birthday which my mother doesn't even want to celebrate in the first place (that's a whole other issue).
sometimes i think i really am a terrible person. I'm ashamed of myself in the way that makes my ears get red.
I am just tired of chris being everywhere and not being able to escape him. i've tried escaping him my whole life, and i embrace him now...i really really do. but does it have to be every second of every day? it's fucking depressing and i'm getting slightly annoyed because i hate being depressed.
crap.
sorry, needed to say something to someone. i don't want to burden it all on jackie right now b/c she's certainly got her own shit...shit that's actually important and worrysome and valid. i'm just being a selfish prat.
I just want a moment w/o death. that's all. just one moment.
I'm tired of my brother's death hanging over everything. EVERYTHING.
It's a horrible thought, and I hate that I think it, but the few moments of my own life when I'm not harping on it myself, is when someone else has a breakdown and apparently can't be left alone (which is good) or something like that.
my mother called and left me a message saying it's a long story but she's down the cape and not coming back till tomorrow. so i of course call needing to know the story. which i don't get, i just get "i had a breakdown about chris."
i know you all know that i'm just being a terrible person and that i know my mom really needs her breakdowns (in the same way she needs to have sex...and soon...or i'll kill her) and that i'm glad she's working through stuff.......
but selfishly, and ugl-i-ly, i was having a pretty good day and it just kicked me in the gut to hear she's not doing well. and, that i was calling her about my birthday and had no idea any of this was going on this morning so i feel like an ass because i didn't know and i'm babbling about my birthday which my mother doesn't even want to celebrate in the first place (that's a whole other issue).
sometimes i think i really am a terrible person. I'm ashamed of myself in the way that makes my ears get red.
I am just tired of chris being everywhere and not being able to escape him. i've tried escaping him my whole life, and i embrace him now...i really really do. but does it have to be every second of every day? it's fucking depressing and i'm getting slightly annoyed because i hate being depressed.
crap.
sorry, needed to say something to someone. i don't want to burden it all on jackie right now b/c she's certainly got her own shit...shit that's actually important and worrysome and valid. i'm just being a selfish prat.
I just want a moment w/o death. that's all. just one moment.