deleting of livejournal, explanation
I'm deleting my livejournal, betraying 2+ decades (4362 posts) of dedication to a dumb bit.
My girlfriend is a a public figure that is frequently under attack by the right-wing media machine. She's been doxed multiple times, the lives of her family repeatedly threatened and has been on the front page of of Britebart more than 5 times.
She recently directed her debut short film and I appear in it strapped to a cross and sexually beaten at a fat girl orgy. I'm thrilled to be part of it but it isn't even finished being edited yet and the cult of trolls that stalk her have already been marshalling to destroy everyone involved. Being an early transition non-passing trans person especially means that I am setting myself up to take on her torments over this and I have already read my full (first and last) name and info posted on coordinated harassment threads with thousands of replies calling my girlfriend slurs.
Even if that wasn't a good enough reason, and it definitely is, I am releasing a film that I have high hopes for. The film is pro-trans and pro-Palestine, among other things about it so the two paths my life takes from here are that it is either a failure and therefore my life sucks because of it failing or it is a success and the dumbfuck army comes for me. In no version of my future life can there be anything else at this point, I suppose. In general, being trans means I no longer have the luxury of hopeless anonymity that defined the whole joke of this LJ, that is the hallmark and primary privilege of presenting as a boring cis white dude.
I suppose the LJ has never been a force for good in my life. 18 years ago or so my girlfriend and first love told me she was raped and I rather blandly posted about how unhappy that made me here. That sparked fuel for some haters to gossip about how I publicly talked was shit on someone. No one talked about the dude who'd been accused of rape or the girlfriend who was telling people he did it, I was villain of the week for that one and I guess I made my bed via this venue. Things were bad with that scene anyway but it was a convenient focal point for gossipers to go in on me about. Youth, I suppose.
Worse moment is history was when I was being abused by doctors and denied insulin and thyroid medicine while being pumped full of steroids and being attacked by my roommates. I imagine in that deeply hurt and medically out of control state I probably was posting especially dumb shit. Although I assume I was being hate read all along my main take away from all of that, once I was myself again, is that lots of people were reading my melt down and just gawking but nobody once reached out to me to offer help. Just knowing that I was close to death from abuse and that people who read this just stood back and let me suffer and nearly die was an ugly reality that changed how I see a lot of people and all of my readers. I felt like ya'll were basically implicate in my most vulnerable time of suffering when I desperately needed help and support and it became painfully clear that the people I had chosen to surround myself at that point in my life were horrible mistakes when it really mattered. And they really were. When it came down to it, most people looked the other way and the few who didn't weren't the ones who ever knew this stupid thing existed. I still feel gross to some of you about it, tbh.
I've never come out and said it but I always felt gross that my BFF from high school hate read this and by doing so passed judgement on me. I never asked him to but I felt that he did anyway and then decided I was a shitty person and what I had considered one of the most treasured, hopefully lifelong friendships slowly felt like the stuff we shared in real life was less important than a stoned, stream of consciousness rambling, post-modern exercise and that's one of those things that just fucking sucked. Maybe we drifted apart of other reasons but I know in my heart this was why and I just feel like it's so fucking shitty to hate read someone when you don't have to if it poisons you to them. Fucking gross.
I remember someone that I thought was a close friend who's name started with an A using my computer without my permission, finding it open and telling my close friends about it. One of the several really painful, shitty violations that person did to me for reasons I could never understand and don't even want to.
The only good memory I can even think of is that trust fund hipster dude I used to know named Joel who complimented a story I told when I was 25 here about working at a temp agency and not showering the night before and being super embarrassed about it. I'm struggling to recall anything else remotely positive but people have always been haters and fuck all of you guys. Fuck anyone who ever read this except Pam, who I think is the only person who ever got the URL through non-shady methods. I hate all of you, all of you were dicks to me and ya'll can suck my 8 inch girl dick. Thanks for nothing, losers. Rot in hell, all of you.