(no subject)
I'm so...overwhelmed. I don't even know if I'll post this, it's not like anyone's really around to read it. I just need to talk. I don't know who to turn to anymore, it sounds so cliche, but I feel so alone. I'm sitting here right now, trying not to let myself cry. Partially because Dad's sitting across the room from me, partially because everytime I start to cry, it takes so long to stop. I don't know why this was different, but it was. Everything was different with him, it was like I was wearing a pair of rose coloured glasses. People say I'm too young to have spent so much time and effort on a relationship that was just going to end, it was just a highschool thing, but it meant a lot to me while it lasted. I mean, I'm not stupid, I knew it wasn't gonna be forever, it WAS just a highschool thing, I didn't think we were going to get married, or fall in love. But then we did. And it fucking tore my heart apart. Don't try and tell me it wasn't true love, that I'm too young and don't know enough to know what true love is. There was something real with him, and it got into me. The time I spent with him is a blur, yet at the same time I remember every little detail. It's so hard to write that, because a million thoughts are flying through my head, about all the times we were together, and I want to scream, and cry, and be angry and sad. I remember every kiss, every car ride, every phone call, and text. Everytime he drove for 30 minutes from Summerside to see me at the cottage. The times he'd drive me home, and it would be 11:56, so he'd park at the end of the road and refuse to give me up, because we still had four more minutes that we could be together. The time we went for a walk on the beach, and he told me he loved me, and I said "Do you promise?" And he said he promised. And then he screamed it. He screamed "I PROMISE! I LOVE YOU CHARLOTTE!" and he really meant it. I'm crying now. Full out tears, rolling down my cheeks, and I'm not wiping them away because I figure it would be more obvious if I kept wiping my eyes. I'm sniffling like crazy, and I'm trying to be quiet, but I'm trying so hard not to break down, I'm finding it difficult to breathe. I wonder if Dad genuinely just doesn't notice, or if he does, and he just doesn't know how to respond, so he chooses to pretend I'm not instead. When I told Mum he had broken up with me, that first time, when this whole thing began, I don't know if she cared. I didn't even want to tell her, but I started crying as soon as I began to talk, so I had to. It's bad when you don't want to tell your mum something like that, they should be the first person you go to. But I didn't, because I knew I wouldn't get what I needed. And I was right. When I told her the response I got was "Well I can't say I didn't see it coming." She's my mother, I wanted her to let me cry, to hug me and tell me he was an idiot for giving me up. But instead, I got that, so immediately I tried to stop crying, and suck it up and tell her I was fine, it didn't matter, that wasn't what I wanted to talk about. So that was it. And I thought it was over, but we couldn't even go twelve hours without talking to each other. We weren't just boyfriend and girlfriend, we were bestfriends, we were beyond close. The next day we talked, we cried, it hurt. The day after that, he came to my house, we went for a drive. We talked, we cried, it hurt. We couldn't be away from each other, he talked about how he felt about me, how it was killing him being without me, he wanted to get back together. We did..but it wasn't the same. A few days later, we just ended up breaking up again. But we couldn't stay away from each other, we'd just spent the last ten months never even going a day without talking to each other. We said we were going to be friends, we couldn't just stop seeing each other completely, even if we weren't together. We still talked every day, he phoned me or texted me every morning, during my free, after school, on his way to work, on his break, on his way to the gym, or guitar, or mitch's, or home. We still hung out on the weekends, mostly alone. We ended up holding hands, and kissing, and cuddling. We were with each other so much, and we still cared about each other, he asked if I wanted to try and see each other. Not necessarily going out, but we might as well have been. We were seeing each other, we agreed that it meant we would not see other people, or flirt, or anything along those lines. This was a step to maybe getting back together, if things worked out. We had been doing fine as "friends", not so much just friends, as we were more or less together without the title. We never fought, yet we managed to be the same as we were when we were going out. Once again, up my hopes went, along with my happiness, and everything else in my life. But I couldn't help it, ever since we had broken up, Bailey and him had been talking so much, after Bailey had always gone on about how she didn't like him when we had been together. She wouldn't even hang out with us when we were dating. But she decided to be friends with him now. Why? I was so jealous, I couldn't help it, anyone would have been. He just got fed up with it, and one night we got in a fight, worse than any of the innumerable fights we had when we were together. It was over, and I felt like it was all my fault. Maybe if I had just controlled my jealousy, we could've worked things out. I know it was all because of me, it was him too. He shouldn't have been giving me reasons to be so jealous. And down went my hopes, and my happiness all over again. Yet after that, we still talked, he still called, and texted, maybe not quite to much, but it still went on. Still called during my frees, and when he drove to and from work. Then he went away to Quebec for March Break. It was so hard, it was the first time we weren't going to be able to talk to each other. Then the first night he was gone, he called me. And the next day, he texted me, even though it cost him ten cents a message because he had gotten rid of texting on his phone. The day after that, he called again, and then after that he'd send me texts, asking me to go on MSN and talk to him. He asked me if I missed him, and I didn't know how to reply, and I didn't want to feel stupid. I asked the same question back, and he said "Of course I do hun." Why did he have to call me hun, it just made my heart do a backflip. Then a day went by without talking to him, it was so hard, I tried so hard not to text him, I knew I shouldn't. And I didn't, it was so hard, but I did it, and I was proud of myself. I figured after that, it'd be easier, and I guess it was, somewhat. Then he came back, he called me the night he came back, just to say hi, tell me that he was back. And then I saw him the next day, at Brookvale, and we talked, and we acted like friends, and yet again, I was so proud of myself. That was at 12:30 on a Sunday. After he left Brookvale, we didn't speak for the rest of the day. He didn't call or text Monday, and I didn't want to succumb and seem needy, so I refused to call or text him. Finally on Tuesday night, I gave in, and texted him, asking "So are we just not going to talk to each other anymore?" He asked why I would think that. I told him it was because he had always made it clear before, when we were together, that if he ever didn't want to talk, he wouldn't call me. After I said that, he called me. It was hard, and I ended up starting to cry, and told him I had to go. After that call, we didn't talk for the entire week. I was having a hard time with it, but I once again, I refused to contact him. On Friday, I find out he's seeing someone. Fucking seeing someone. I felt like I'd been stabbed in the back. Except what I was feeling hurt more than that, and I would have felt any kind of physical pain over what I felt then. I broke down in the middle of school, crying, I could barely move, I couldn't talk. Stephanie, a youth worker at our school, she hangs out with us on our frees, took me to her office, and let me just cry, and yell, and be angry. I stayed in there for two hours. I finally stopped crying, with great difficulty, but I did stop. And I thought I felt a little bit better. I went out on Friday, to a party. And at 11:30, I get a phone call. Guess who. He chose that night, of all nights to call me. I mentioned the girl four times, and he still didn't tell me about her. I asked him why he called, and he said, we just haven't talked in awhile, I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to scream when I heard that. I was civil during the conversation, and it ended quickly..I wished it hadn't, because it still breaks my heart not being able to talk to him every day, every hour, whenever I want. I wanted to scream at him, ask him why, why was he with someone already, why was he doing this to me, why wasn't I good enough. When we were going through our two month long break up, there were a few times, during heated discussions, he'd say "Why are you still trying, I don't understand, I can see that I'll just never be good enough Charlotte." Why did he say that to me. I wanted to ask him why didn't he care, didn't he care? Was he doing it on purpose. Why wouldn't he tell me, why did he let me hear it from other people. Why did he keep breaking my heart over, and over, and over, wasn't once enough. And why her. She was nothing like me, she used to be into drugs like crazy, last year she quit school, she and her boyfriend only broke up a few weeks ago. She's back in school now, and not so into the drugs, but she still smokes, she still drinks a lot. The drugs ruined her, she used to be cute, she's not attractice at all now. What does he see. Tonight, I saw on her facebook, fucking facebook, I hate it, pictures she had taken of him. They were together, they were close, she's not supposed to be close to him like that. Pictures of him, close to him, him wearing the shirt I bought for him. It broke my heart all over again, yes, one more time, on top of the thousands of times it's broken in the past three months. It's broken over and over and over, it's shattered. I just want to get away from it all, away from here, away from them. I wish I was graduating now, I can't concentrate on anything, I'm either thinking about him, the hurt, or leaving. But then I realize, what am I leaving. I'm going to UPEI. I'm going to Charlottetown. I'm not leaving anything. And he's going to UPEI. He's going to Charlottetown. And it's because of me. I pushed him to apply, he didn't think he would get it, I had faith in him, I helped him do it. And he got in. He's going there next year. I'm going there next year. He went to get his second tattoo last Saturday. I was supposed to go with him. She was with him. I was supposed to go with him to see Harry Potter when it came out, we were supposed to go together to the Aero Smith concert, he was supposed to come with me to prom, he was supposed to take me to get my first tattoo. I can't do anything without him being there, in my mind. I hate it, but I don't want to let go. I want to let go, I don't want to. I want him to be my bestfriend again. This isn't even half of what I want to say, have to say, need to say. It's just all I can say. The rest is so ...so. It's so much. I can't get it out. It's pain, it's anger, it's confusion, I feel lost. I feel broken. A lot broken. I will post this. It was good to get it out, but I still feel. I just feel, the feeling is seeping out of my body, and it's too much to keep. Saying this got stuff out, but not clicking "Post" would be keeping it in, for me. I can't keep it all in anymore, it ripping me apart. I'm not the same anymore. I can't control myself, I'm not happy. I'm so unhappy. And no one notices, or if they do know, rather than let me talk about it, they change the subject. They don't care. I don't have friends like I'm supposed to have friends. They're there to hang out with, they're there to have fun, they're there to help me get my mind off it. But they aren't there to help me forgive, and stop the hurt, and ..heal. I don't know anymore. I just..don't know.