Feb 12, 2006 22:07
i hit a wall today... i reallized something about myself... i've been here before. i know this stress. this is the level of stress where your entire life spirals downward because of one particular event that you see yourself never recovering from. this event eats at you day in and day out until you kill yourself, unless someone stops you. story time. when i was younger i had a girlfriend tell me that she was pregnant after we broke up... the level of stress that followed was so great and tore at me so bad that eventually it came time to cut my losses and get out of life... my mother caught me and paniced... 72 hour emergency evaluation and sometime later i was told that life was worth living and that she was just fuckin with me... ever since then i have never known that kind of stress... if she had been pregnant my life would have been over. today i reallized that all the time i have been telling myself, friends and family that it was getting better i have been lying... the pills have been helping the lies but i was still lying to myself and saying that its a phase that will go away... it wont... i need her. she is the other half of me that i cant live with out... the catch 22 is that i dont think i can ever forgive her for this pain. i feel like i am losing grip. not just in the cry for help way but truly slipping away from normal rational thought. i am totally calm and i have reallized that my life is over. its strange to think that one person can have that sort of control over another. one decision can start, end or drastically change a life. though i dont really think that this should hang on her head. i suppose with councelling and pills that are prescribed to me i could beat this but i dont care about myself that much... i dont think that the world is gonna miss me very much and that really hurts...